Coming clean with myself. Getting things off my chest.

I've not had a decent write up in a long time and this is due to me having a change in my life. I have been very mysterious about it and I am not sure why. I have told lots of people already to get it off my chest and everytime I post here I am always wanting to just say it out right so I will stop being an idiot about it. I think I am being one since I am constantly edging around the subject.

In the next three weeks things will really move along and I think in the next year I will be adventuring to where ever the road takes me and when that ends I am not so sure what will happen to me in terms of life in general.

Divorce.

What a taboo of a word. For me it is. Even though I have had lots of family go through it in my life. Now I am experiencing it. Every time I tell people they always tell me it is normal and these things happen. Well first off I am embarrassed and ashamed this has happened. I can say with confidence I blame myself for the whole outcome. I do not have a mistress or had any other woman as a side chick. That has not been a goal in my life and I for one do not see value in something like that since it is just a drain in time and energy. One woman is plenty work already if I wanted to keep her. Now I am not so sure. In fact I am not wanting to have even anything remotely close to a desire to get find one now and maybe in the future.

Confused I am constantly looking back to see where I went wrong. My friends all say it took two to get to this position, I agree but do not agree. I strongly feel I could have done more on somethings and less on other things. I am left thinking I have failed in this part of my life. I am not sure I have moved on. I packed most of my clothes out of my cupboard. Four boxes so far. I did not think I had that much and probably more since I still a few more to go. Finishing with the boxes I felt accomplished but sad I accomplished something like this. Getting ready to leave. I am still here in the house I had called home for a very long time and thought I was going to be in till death do us part. I guess life had other things installed for me. Or more aptly I had other plans in my life I had no idea I had the idea.

Next will be to go through the things around the house so I can move on. Pots, pans, utensils, plates and anything I think I will need in the future. I have no more home. Where I end up will be determined by me going around wandering and hope it will not hit me hard when I finally leave through the front door. This melodramatic post is taxing to say the least. It is a test I had made for myself.

Where will I end up? Only time will tell. Only the steps I take one at a time will determine if I stop and falter or continue with no hiccup. Faltering will not mean the end since I know I will just get back up but that will leave me with scratched knees and bruised hands. Even the notion of work has me all riled up, I have taken a year off just to search for something. Myself? Perhaps. A new meaning in life? Maybe. I leave my kids with her and I will move ahead. I am selfish because I know if I stay and hang around I will just go crazy and end up doing something worse than leaving for a long walk. Away from them.

Both are scared for me I think. My oldest is very clingy and keeps asking if I am OK. I reassure her that I am but it seems my eyes do not hide the conflict I bury inside me. This melodrama feels like a romantic drama movie where the characters are all sad and there is hope just beyond reach. They have to move forward just so they can be there to grab at something to keep them afloat. I feel like them. Except no tears stain my cheeks. I feel like my chest is constricted. I am not sure if I am sick or something.

Time feels like an eternity yet it is ticking away like a run away train on a sloping mountain careening the train into a blizzard obstructing my vision. I can neither see far or get a sense of where I am in the tracks. There are no more indicators telling me the tracks ahead are fine. I am left to the winds of time to carry me to some destination I hope does not swallow me into a pit but a sunny destination helping breath easy and find what it is I am looking for.

So much work into this existence and now I have only myself and my things. I hope where I store most of my things will not mean someone will just come along and steal them. Wasted time and effort. Even when I tried so hard not to lose anything I had in my hands. At this moment it does not feel like sands in my hand. It does not feel like pebbles rolling away. Then again it could be this fog in front of me blocking my vision on what I have in my hands or losing at my hands.

Anyway, I'll end it here and this has been kind of good I guess since I have taken this thing out of my head for today. Who knows what I will be like tomorrow.

I'll just breath and pretend to live normally, unaffected and calm.

Till next time.

I am posting it in this community for the simple fact that I am heading to the Philippines think and wander when I walk out that front door.