Is it ok to not be ok?
I have written lots lately about the pit I am feeling inside. I had always thought writing about these things to be negative for me since it is talking negatively about life and what I am feeling deep inside. It is not as depressing as some peoples feelings. I have always thought there are far more dark gloomy people around the world than myself. After all I am always laughing and smiling. Even when I feel the dread overcome me by myself. I manage to smile to myself. I don't need a mirror to see myself smile. I feel it. Most times this lifts me up.
But lately. I just can't shake it off. It seems like it is stuck on me like I had just sat on a used chewing gum on my new jeans. I try to pry it off. I really really do. I am talking to myself trying to convince me I am ok. I tell everyone around me I am ok. I smile and give a big grin. Yet deep inside. I feel like I am fake. Like I am tasting the sickness in my mouth. It tastes like iron. It's not because I am staunch. In fact I feel like crying. I want that deep cry me a river kind of cry. But nothing falls. There is no drip from my eyes.
I want to drown my sorrows. Even though I know too much is not good for me. I think this will lift up my spirit. Because of spirit. I laugh so hard I am almost hopeful tears would stream out, since laughing is a sign of joy and there are instances in the past where I have had tears of joy. Yet still they do not fall. I really hate trying to convince myself I am not ok. Since it is not like a cut in my arm from a knife or a burn from a fire raging around me. I am not mad. I feel ashamed. There is a sense of foreboding. Like the eyes have finally opened up and everything I had taken for granted are all just washed away. Even when I am holding onto it with my hands. It is there, yet it is gone. All at the same time.
It's not hard they say to shift your perspective. All you do is hang upside down. Yet when I try my head feels like its about to explode form the blood rushing into it. But that is nothing new since I am for most of these days have had a constant headache. Like there is something gripping my neck from the back and just trying to squeeze the life out of me. Some of you will not read all of this and some of you who will ask yourself. What am I talking about. I think I am ok with that. I think I am ok. I think therefore I am.
I think therefore I am. I should seriously stop it at this moment. I should. I really really should. Just stop. Just give up. Everyone tells me to be strong. To be mindful and strong. Is that why I keep tasting iron in my mouth? Maybe... or maybe I am just imagining it like how I thought I was holding things with my hands real tight. Maybe the grip behind my neck is me squeezing tight, trying to hold on to everything I have just lost.
Anyway. I best let me go for now. I think I need to just sit here and think about what to do next.
See you around.