When the Darkness Resided in Me

Rejection is something all of us would have gone through at one point of our lives or another. In one form or another. The feeling of being rejected always gives us negative emotions. It’s another thing how prolonged their existence can be. Sometimes, rejection leaves us with more consequences; at other times, with more lessons. Sometimes the rejection overwhelms us ,at other times we learn to land above the tumbled expectations.

However, rejection is not always that lurid and conspicuous. Instead, sometimes it is quite subtle and abstruse. Such a rejection doesn’t bring negative consequences at once. Nor one or a couple of incidences are enough to display the impact. Nevertheless, if we have been rejected in the same way over and over again, the subtle form of rejection is more dangerous than being rejected altogether straight away. It is like slow poisoning making you feel more nugatory and weaker each passing day.

This kind of rejection is a case in close relationship- the ones from which there is no escape. Ironically, they accept you as their integral part. They never want to quit you. They claim to love you. In fact, they do. They care for you, but………….in the way they think is the best. They refuse to understand your uniqueness. Their eyes do not see the needs behind your wishes. There ears are shut for the moaning of your sobbing desires.

Mostly, such a rejection does not transpire with an intention to reject but it either ensues out of ignorance of your needs or simply because the other person fails to understand what and why matters to you.

I don’t remember if I have ever been rejected straight away, but yes, I have faced this other form of rejection. It was like my whole personality has been infected. Like there is a termite on the wood which slowly and gradually make you hollow from the inside.

When I encountered the oafish rejection of my benign and rightful desires time and again, a fear developed in me. The fear of being rejected. I started to avoid expressing my wishes because every time when my demands dismissed without giving any importance, I felt worthless. To avoid these feelings of worthlessness, I adopted the method of keeping my feelings and wants to my own self. Enclosed in a shell.

The memories of rejection and the fear of being rejected while your hankerings are alive in your heart is painful and emotionally draining. I felt the immense pain. To keep my sanity intact I had to do something and what I did…….. I killed the feelings. I no longer felt hurt. There was no pain anymore; but it was not merely the pain that eroded. All the emotions were abraded. There was no sensation for happiness or sadness, no anger or pleasure. Nothing at all. I had become emotionally blank. It was like total darkness.

This is perhaps the state what is called apathy. You become stone hearted for your own self let alone others. I had become one. I was devalued in my own sight. My wishes, my desires, my wants had become worthless for me. In fact, I started feeling like I was a culprit having them in my heart. I became a person with low self-esteem and shattered self-image.

All this doesn’t mean that my life or the relationship had nothing to appreciate. It certainly had but I was no longer able to feel the pleasure. My feelings were dead. And this all was due to subtle rejection. The actual rejection was merely the initiator. The real culprit was the fear of being rejected that inculcated in my heart.

How I regained my self-esteem and emotional sensation back is a long story with multiple stages. Some fireflies were sent to my way. Some miracles happened. Some doors were opened. At this point, the more important thing to know is that what I learned after coming out of that horrible phase.

I have got the realization that we all are humans. Our loved ones and significant others may reject our wishes simply because they do not have the understanding of what may be important for us. It is only God who knows us the best. Firstly, pray to Him for opening up ways to you and give you peace. Secondly, it is important to not devalue yourself because someone else is not giving you the value. Thirdly, keep on expressing your self and presenting your demands in different ways. Silence only create distances while conversation makes the partners understand each other despite primary difference.