Peel the onion
"When pestered with questions, memory is like an onion that wishes to be peeled so we can read what is laid bare letter by letter" — Günter Grass
If I asked you right now, who are you, what would you answer? Not your gender, not what you do for work, or the position you occupy in your household. Who you are. As for me, I've never been sure of what or how to respond to that particular question. It's not exactly that I don't know who I am (which I might not know yet, being honest). It's just that I wouldn't know how to express it to another human being.
What would be truly important, in my humble opinion, is for us to be able to answer that question to ourselves. Do you know who you are? I think the society we're living in is making it increasingly harder to find out. We're fed up with all these lies, bombarding us from everywhere, just to move the wheel of the algorithms. And, if you're keen enough, you might have realized that the machines we've built now learn a zillion times faster than us, poor humans.
Looking back, I'm confronted with the terrible reality of not knowing who I am anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did. I can't merely be the scattered pieces of a thousand broken glasses, can I?
That quote comes from my intro post. I came to HIVE not knowing who I was anymore, and I'm proud to say I've done some progress, even though I could not explain it to you. Most of the work has happened backstage, where you would never take a peek. In the privateness of my chaos. In the beauty of the light, too. And yesterday, I came across a piece of advice that I think will mark a before & after for me. I wish to share it with you, in case you're still wondering how you would answer the question I mentioned above.
How to find out who you are
There's a therapist whose work I've been tracking for a while now. He specializes in advising people on how to form safe, secure, loving bonds. It's only natural that the first step before truly loving someone is to truly love yourself, and how could you if you don't even know who you are? So, a lot of his patients often ask for some advice on how to find out who they are. And what does he say?
If it's challenging to find out who you are, find out who you're not.
I can't say this would work for everyone, but I'm more than willing to give it a try. I've decided to start journaling, a little bit every day, about all the things I've been conditioned to believe but aren't truly me. For example, I've always thought that having a college degree is a synonym of success, and I've mortified myself for being this old and not having it. But do I really need to get a degree just because society tells me so? Even though it's not something I want to pursue later in life? I love learning, and I'll do it accordingly to my interests. Yes, I'll probably get the damned paper from a college. And when I do, it'd be in a career I love.
I intend to reflect on all of the beliefs I've made up throughout my life, about myself and all the choices I've made. Slowly, bit by bit, I'll remove what feels incongruent to who I really am, and everything that lights me up will stay. For example, I know for sure I want to be a mother. The thought of having a family, and doing it right, lights me up. I don't know if I'll ever get to fulfill that dream, but I'm 100% sure it's part of who I am. In this process of writing down everything I am not, peeling away the layers I don't want to keep carrying, I hope to become aware of who I really am at my core.
What are your thoughts on this? Would you try journaling to find out who you are? Perhaps you're already pretty sure and don't need to delve into it. Either way, I'd love to know.
Günter Grass, one of my favorite writers, was a German novelist, poet and sculptor, with an artistic vein that allowed him to process and understand the events of his life. The outbreak of World War II happened during the last of childhood years, and it was only in 2006 that he wrote his memoirs from that terrible time. Peeling the onion. I found his work admirable; having the courage to disclose to the world the worst things you've had to do, in the spirit of finding out who you are, it's truly something to look up to. I'll quote him again, to leave you with his message for posterity. I hope you find it as valuable as I did.
When pestered with questions, memory is like an onion that wishes to be peeled so we can read what is laid bare letter by letter.
Source of the image:
📷 by mart.production
I'd like to thank you for reading this. I hope my words resonated with you in some way. If they did, or even if they didn't, I'd like to further connect with you, so I invite you to drop a comment and I'll answer it as soon as I can.
Peeling the onion is very suitable for this type of series. I find the first half of it very reminiscing of Robert Bolt's A Man for All Seasons play, it is also a book and a movie. Basically questioning Is there a part of you that is you, not your appetite, not your desires, doesn't want or reject, a part of you that is just you from which you cannot retreat?
Another reason why the title is perfect is that you seek to know something that existed before things started happening which created layers over who you are (or anyone really), an oversimplified example would be that you are a loving person but someone's betrayal led to a more pessimist look. Looking forward to future installments.
Hi there,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I'm not familiar with Robert Bolt's work, but from what you say it sounds worth a read. I'll look it up.
I wish I had the answer to that question. Not to say to others, but to myself. And what would happen if that part of me that it's just me, and from which I cannot retreat, is not something I like? That would explain a lot. And why wouldn't I like it? So many questions, so little time.
I'll do more of these, I hope. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to comment! I appreciate it.
Nope. Take it from someone who holds both bachelors and masters degrees, you don't need to attend college to succeed. In fact getting a masters degree was one of the worst decisions I've ever made in life. Unless you've got a really good reason for going after that piece of paper, don't bother.
!PIZZA
Hi there! Sorry for the late reply. It's been a hectic week for me.
I appreciate your insight on the matter, from your own valuable experiences. Society insists so much on the importance of that piece of paper, any piece of paper, that it's hard not to be influenced by that. What I do know is that I wish to write, really write, for the rest of my life. I'll focus on pursuing that professional goal.
Thank you for stopping by!
Do whatever you need to do to achieve that goal :) Maybe it means getting that paper, maybe not. Just don't get so bogged down with pursuing and achieving that you forget about the writing part ;)
PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@brandt(1/6) tipped @beautifulwreck (x1)
Join us in Discord!
Intriguing...
Well, in all honesty I am a person of a hundred personalities... never really delve in to knowing who I really am. Looking back, was there ever? Looking forward do I need to? Never really cared to know.
Unsure of the answer why that is the case... all I know it is not on the top of my list that I need to know.
but,
There is comfort in knowing that a single person in the whole world knows who I am, for who I really was, or who I'll ever be... and that person will carry the journal that is me, till the bitter end.
Hi there! Sorry for the late reply. It's been a hectic week for me.
Hmmm, I'm not sure I understood what you mean. You say you have a hundred personalities and that you don't delve too much into the question of who you really are, yet you affirm that you're the only one who knows your true self.
I'm lost. Haha. Thank you for stopping by!
I love analogies. I really relate to them. I haven't finished exploring it yet, but something that I hear the other day that rocked me: We are subject to the tyranny of our memories. (Jordan Peterson) I am sure I will putting out a post on it because I have been thinking on it so much. I love when we find things that resonate. I too, write things down. It helps me to think things through.
Hi, Becca! Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I like some of the ideas of Jordan Peterson, and the phrase that you mention sounds about right. Our memories can enslave us if we let them. I'd rather have control over my own life, and so I use that influence to ensure that I become the kind of person I really want to be. Not that one who simply submits to the horror of life and uses it as an excuse.
I look forward to reading your post on the matter! And it's nice to know that you use journaling as a self-improvement tool as well.
Thank you for stopping by!