Sigh... Small Cities...



Sigh... there is something that I really dislike about humans in general. And it is these stupid power games that they play with each other. Mostly, I'm pretty oblivious to it all... I tend to like doing my own thing, and then I get bored and move on and do something else... there is very little in my life that becomes so all-consuming that I have to dominate. Well, at least I think it is like that... I think I just don't really identify myself as my job/hobby/anything... I'm just a me, and that has sorts of lots of bits and pieces to it.

However, there are times when you just get dragged into shit... usually, it is just by existing. The inadvertent comment or choice that means that other people think that you've "chosen" a side... when it is just pure chance or nothing at all.

Sadly, in a smaller city with entrenched interests... well, that sort of thing is just more likely to happen...

As a returning newcomer to the local music scene... I've found that many things have change in the 20 or so years since I was last here... some things are exactly the same, there are the more entrenched older players... and there are the incoming chaos of newcomers.

What makes things tricky for me is the fact that I was once here... twenty years ago, as a student... and now I'm returning, not as a student any more. Internally, I don't really think I'm that different... but other people think that I'm very different. In some ways, it is quite disconcerting, that sort of impostor syndrome that I've heard so much about...

... anyway, I now find myself caught in the middle of a bit of a stupid power-play where I just want nothing of it from both sides. But it is one where there is the opportunity to perhaps help build something really nice... or to fail miserably. But to even try, means that I might be off-siding some people.

My wife says that this is going to be inevitable, and that I can't always go through life without thinking that I'm going to be able to have everyone like me... and I guess that is true. But why does it have to be like this? As far as I can see, the problems on both sides of this particular problem aren't that bad... and eminently resolvable... and no-one is acting with ill-will or malicious intent.

Sigh... I'm just a violinist, I like playing violin... I am pretty okay at it (at least, no-one throws rocks at me...). All this other crap is just beyond me... I know that I should stay oblivious to it, and perhaps I will just stay that way... and just accept that some decisions that I make will just end up off-siding people... but perhaps that will be just temporary and that I can work to make the realise that I'm on everyone's side... well, I guess it would be more along the lines of "no-one's" side... I prefer to just make things work, and then leave it at that.

Is that possible? It feels like such a small request... and I think it would definitely be possible... in the musical leadership roles that I've had before in the past, I have been trusted and respected (I think...)... both as a leader and mediator, and more importantly, as a musician and violinist.

... arrrrghghghghghg!!!! Sometimes, I just think that people are just the worst part of anything!

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Sadly I think that especially in the last couple of years, people are intentionally being divided and guided into the idea that life is not about nuances and balances but is black and white. You are either for or against something! That’s going to play out in many different areas of life unfortunately but it also seems like it’s playing out in the situation you are in. I despise that shit because life is most definitely about nuances and very little is black and white. Hopefully you can find your way through the noise and maybe change some peoples minds!


I get that feeling as well, it is sad to see that there is some interest and profit to be made from dividing people... but I guess that has always been human nature, but now those who are in it to "win" have managed... and don't care about the cost to others.