Mixed feelings | The best phase of my life VS sudden urge to complain
Greetings fellow grumpy hivers
Today I feel like getting stuff out! This will probably be a much different post (note to self - or maybe not. Let's leave that an open discussion) because I need to let my anger/frustration/impatience out. The funny thing though, is that in my journey to self-discovery and personal growth, I learned that I don't know how to fucking do that.
So, I've decided to try posting on this community and maybe for the first time in my life just feeling free and safe in letting my anger out. In my mind right now I'm thinking - oh, maybe anger is too much strong a word, I'm so blessed in so many different ways. BUT, I'll stay firm to my commitment in trying this way of dealing and see how it feels afterwards... That sounds reasonable!
However, I seem to be in a writer's impasse so I'm just gonna give you a little bit of context to what I'm ranting about and then try my best shot at complaining mercilessly. I promise to try be brief!
So lately, life in general has been going pretty well. My career has improved, and I have regained an old life goal of working with babies so the feeling of accomplishment has been much more present. Personally, I and my boyfriend are getting along nicely, communicating our needs to each other a lot more and respecting each other individualities. More recently, we've started to search for our new house which we are going to buy. We've started looking and visiting houses since January and I realise it's a long, time-consuming process. Nevertheless, we are excited about discussing the future and how we want to shape it! Do you see my problem?
New goals achieved, new and exciting accomplishments are just around the corner! How can I complain when life is going so smoothly?
Well, I don't have a fucking idea but hell I'm gonna try!!
A different perspective of my surroundings
I'm feeling frustrated because there's a house we really liked and did a proposal that got denied. We had a similar experience with another house we liked a month ago but in that case, it was a little bit over our budget so we were more prepared for the possibility of a refusal.
I'm the impatient one in the relationship while my boyfriend is a lot calmer and more logical (note to self - pretty standard right?) . The most recent house that we didn't get is within our budget but my boyfriend offered less than the owner's proposal. He's playing out a strategy to do the best deal possible and trying to save a little money for some construction work we would like to do. We've talked a lot about it, and it's logical to do this given the market's prospects right now. We are also being advised by his father who has experience in the real estate business.
But damn I'm getting so impatient!! I'm in this hellish state of paused projects and anticipating the change that's coming. The change of settling into a new routine, new habits and advancing in my life goals. So, yes, I'm suffering from anticipation and I don't like it! I just want it over and I'll use any means at my disposal!
Now, everything in the house I currently live in is starting to look very small and the little things are pissing me off. We live with 2 cats and the house is starting to look crowded. Each day, after dinner, my cats fight over the best place on the couch. In the end, they just end up snuggling together anyway.
Don't be fooled by their cuteness!! Jinx (the 3 colour cat) is a little prick that loves to do an annoying miau like she's in heat for like 30 min to get attention and then when we try to pet her she runs away to rub her face on every furniture of the house. She won't stop until you go after her for a while, always dodging our attempts to pet her.
Loki (the black one) is a cute jester. He will love you, ask to pet him frequently in the cutest way or with the cutest miau in the first moment you move to get out of bed in the morning. But every fucking day at dinner time he will come to my and my bf's computer desks and start throwing everything on the ground. Pencils, plates, glasses, bite paper off. Always on dinner time and the moment we both sit on the couch to watch a series at night. Every day.
And did I mention my bf likes to leave things unorganized and randomly placed? Those two are the perfect combination. My bf and his bad short-term memory leaving pencils and stuff all over his desk and Loki coming every night and throwing them off. Other aspects are bothering me more, and I will try to name them by house areas.
The light in the kitchen that doesn't work so we have to go inside and light a small lamp every night. Usually, my boyfriend exits the kitchen without turning it off and most of the time I have to remind him to go back and turn it off. We have way too much cooking stuff for the storage space we have available, so things are getting messy and I hate having things unorganized and hard to access. The fridge is old, small, hard to clean and does a lot of noise.
Thankfully our living room is a nice open area. However, at the time we didn't have much money so we took the few pieces of furniture we had and placed them together with some of the owner's house (rented apartment). So nothing matches, the house is an old construction with an old style furniture. Both my I and my bf play some online games on the computer so each one has it's desk. We had to manage the space we had left so I have a small corner that I have to squeeze in every time through the couch and sit on my old and uncomfortable chair that makes my neck hurt more. And the couch was destroyed by my cat's nails so it doesn't look pretty at all.
Nothing big either. My bf has more clothes than me so he gets most of the wardrobe space and I get 4 little drawers and a few hanging spaces. I have to fold my clothes in a very particular way so they all fit which I don't like to do at all. The consequence is often having a big pile of clothes to fold accumulated which I don't like to see either. To top it off, since the room is a bit narrow, for I to pass on and off my side of the bed I can only walk side to side. My legs don't fit walking forward because of the space between the bed and the wall and I've had enough of it.
I dream of the day I can enjoy a little air on a balcony of some sort. We have no outside space and the house's windows are old and very energy inefficient. Now in the winter, our house gets bloody cold because of the old construction and poor energy efficiency and having a heater on for too long has taken a toll on our electricity bill this month. On Summer it gets too hot and we can't leave the windows open without supervision because our cats are curious beings who like to explore. Either I close them in one room together and hear them complain for a 1h to let the house breathe or I leave it always just a little bit open so they can't get through and hear all the traffic and people talking on the street as a side effect. My final dream would be a dishwasher machine and we currently can't install one because of lacking space. I'm tired of doing every dish and cooking utensils by hand in a tiny sink space.
Final notes 💭
Well, I think I got it all out! I'm still fighting against my urge to delete it all and just shut these feelings and thoughts down as I realise there are a lot of different realities in this world. I feel ungrateful when I try to admit these feelings to myself.
Thankfully, I found this much-needed community and as I said in the beginning, this was kind of an experiment to see how I felt if I expressed them in a judgment-free space. I'm not sure how I feel yet... And I don't even know if I succeeded at ranting anyway or if this post is that much different than my usual content (note to self - probably not) !
I will leave that to your judgement 😉. This was fun and I wanna thank you for bearing with me until the end 🤗!
P.S: My cat has just thrown my boyfriend's watch to the ground and came to me afterwards asking to pet him. Oh, he's gone and has pushed the same things to the ground again. Great 🙄.