When You Fail In Love...

(Image is my own)

They tell us that, should you fail, then simply try, try again... But when that lesson applies to matters of the heart, sometimes it is easier said than done. When another person's emotions are involved, when you begin to form a life with another person, when "you" becomes "we," how does one simply "try again" should it all come to an end?

My first experience with this failure in life, was when I fell in love with an alcoholic. Of course, when this happens, one is usually not aware of that information at the time--I think, if most people had the option to date an alcoholic, they wouldn't take it! However, I never saw that... I saw a gentle giant. I saw a man who, despite towering over others, never once tried to use his size to his advantage. I saw someone whose heart would smile anytime he was able to be of help. I did not fall in love with the alcohol; I fell in love with the person.

Even after starting a relationship, the issue did not make itself known until a few months into dating. At first, it was simply a matter of, "I enjoy having a few drinks!" and at first, that is all it ever was. Nobody wants to admit that they have a problem, least of all an addict. I never realized that it was simply a facade... Nobody, not even his family, could be bothered to warn me about how bad it would get. The drunken slur, punching holes in walls, the inability to walk, the sickness that came with it... I had my boyfriend for all of 3 months before the alcoholism began to consume him.

By the time it started to get bad, I had already started a life with this man. I lived with him and his family, we made dinners together, we had just celebrated Christmas... Yet, I believed in "for better or for worse"--I could not abandon him during his time of need. So, I did everything within my power to help him. I attended his addiction meetings with him. I stayed up with him during the nights and days he would have terrible withdrawls. I attempted to compromise with him, even providing him with my finances while he was unable to work.

Despite my efforts, I was only greeted with hostility and abuse. I was constantly told that I "did nothing for him," that I was the one at fault for his problems. I still had to witness him blubber like a baby every time he fell into a depressive alcoholic state. Walls were still punched, doors ripped off their hinges. At a certain point, it became obvious that, despite how much I loved him, I could not "cure" him...

Eventually I had to walk away from the relationship; I was losing myself in the process of trying to keep him. It was completely unhealthy. Although I viewed it as a "failed relationship" for the longest time, because I wanted so desperately for it to work, I know I cannot continue to beat myself up over it. I could not allow myself to become destroyed in order to fix a broken man. To this day, I still wish him nothing but the best. I truly hope he is able to conquer his demons someday.