When the living leave us
When the living leave us
they sprout wings,
and from the chambers of our hearts
they depart,
leaving vacancies, amongst other things
to be filled
and explored.
When you live on the other side of the world, far away from your family, every time you see someone, you know it may be the last time you see him/her.
You know it, and yet, when it turns out to be true, it’s still so hard to believe.
Why do you do that?
Why do you ask me why?
As if there were meaning
to any of this.
My grandfather passed away earlier this week. You couldn’t have asked for a better way to go. He was 91 and, up until a month ago, he was still walking around, still driving, still eating with friends.
But, he was rapidly slowing down.
Realizing his situation, it seems that he decided he was ready to move on, and after making the final decision, with family around him, he sat in a chair and within two days he had passed on.
the night you died
you weren’t the only one
who went away
and never fully
returned
Despite seeing him last summer, I had really hoped to see him one more time because I wanted to him to meet his newest grandson, who bears his middle name.
I had hoped to, at least once, bring these two together, to have a picture of the two of them together like I have pictures of my grandfather with my other children. But what can you do.
The three poems above were written about others moments of loss that I’ve had and observed in my life. I’ve posted them here because they share a common theme, and also, in some ways, because they stand in contrast to my grandfather’s passing, which was really, in many ways, ideal. There won’t be any lingering traumas like there were for my grandmother when her second daughter passed away after a very nasty battle with breast cancer (poem three).
Sorry for your loss. I bet he would have loved to see his new grandson.
Thank you. I know he would have, too. But if he weren’t strong enough to sit up and hold him, he probably wouldn’t have been very happy about that.
There were able to meet via video chat. That will have to be good enough.
I'm so sorry. It's very difficult to lose someone you love, even when you know it's coming. Were you able to record their virtual meeting?
All these poems hit hard, but that last one I know very well.
Here's one I wrote recently
Grief
That’s a strong poem. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, we took a picture of my son next to the screen and were able to record their final online meeting. My grandfather died about twelve hours later.
A few days earlier, when he was still quite energetic, my grandfather watched as we fed my son mashed rice, fruits, and vegetables. Apparently after that, my grandfather was inspired to eat a pretty hearty portion of mashed potatoes, which was nice to hear because all of the food he ate the previous day amounted to one bite of meat and a single baked bean.
It’s funny, when you add all the little things up, put them together in reverse, and assign meaning to them, it seemed like putting my son and grandfather together face to face was important.
They met last year while my son was in utero, but we hadn’t decided on his name at that point in time.
When we finally chose his name, we struggled to find kanji that would work for it. Then our friend suggested a very old kanji that most people aren’t familiar with these days. It essentially means successor. It seems funny to give your third child a name that means successor and not your first child, but that’s the way it worked out. Then I decided to give my grandfather’s middle name to my son as a way of doing what we did with my other two children.
We live in Japan and my grandfather had visited and spent time in Japan in the 60s or 70s. These aren’t really much as far as connections go, but just the same, somehow I feel like these two are connected and had hoped they would meet.
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I'm sorry for your loss. It is impressing that how fit your grandfather was until the last one month.
I lost my mother this spring. She was one of the most close family members together with my grandma. They left and I notice some kind of "vacancies" as you wrote. On the other hand I feel them quite often when I bake bread (I use my mother's baking tins), when I wear my watch (it's passed down by my grandfather to my mother and to me), when I sew clothes (I learnt it from my grandma) etc etc.
I appreciate these connections and memories they left to me. They enrich my life.
I wish you take time to digest your feeling. Life is beautiful :)
Thank you. That’s a very thoughtful comment.
I’ve been remembering a lot of things and feeling very blessed to have spent so much time with him when I was younger.
I’ve tried sharing those memories with my older children, but I feel like, with huge technological changes life has brought us over the past twenty years, and the cultural and language barriers my children and I face, they can’t begin to imagine what I’m talking about.
I wonder if you ever feel that way raising a child in a different part of the world from the one you grew up in.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
Your story about your son bearing your grandfather's middle name.... We are the same as you. When my grandfather passed away, my second son was not yet born, so they could not meet. But my second son's name contains one kanji character of my grandfather's name.
It’s nice to be able to honor and pass on the memories of loved ones by using names and kanji characters.
Thank you for your condolences.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and it always sucks when you live so far away from your family, it is unavoidable that one day you will loss some one you love without being able to say good bye to them.
Not sure about the Japanese, but the Chinese would call 91 a good and happy death in that it's a blessing to live to that age so one shouldn't feel too sad about the death. It sounded like your grandfather lived a great life and he was ready to move on to a better place. May he rest in peace.
91 years of healthy, vigorous life is an incredible blessing and, I would guess, a long life by any standard.
You’re right. He was ready to move on and he did so on his own terms. For me, I was just really hoping to introduce him in physical person to my new son at least once, and was in the process of making arrangements to do so. Unfortunately, it took longer than expected to get my son’s passport.
Thank you for your condolences.
Sorry for your loss. My condolences. My grandmother died shortly after I moved to Japan. She suffered from serious Alzheimer's so she didn't know who I was anymore. My grandfather lasted longer. I didn't have kids yet, but I always entertained the idea of him lasting until he could meet my children. He couldn't wait though and died about 11 years ago. Interestingly, my wife became pregnant only a week or two after he passed away. Due to the timing there, a lot of older Japanese told us our son was my grandpa reborn. Silly superstition, but also kind of a nice and comforting idea.
Anyway, again, sorry for your loss.
My grandmother, the wife of my grandfather who just passed, died a few months before I came to Japan, so the opposite of you, but also with serious Alzheimer’s.
My grandfather experienced her illness and I didn’t ever want that to happen to him.
Apparently, some time within the past six months he began having Alzheimer’s hallucinations that would leave him very confused and panicked. When I spoke to him last week, he was crystal clear and knew who everyone was around him. Two months ago, he dropped by my brother’s house with his girlfriend and walked himself around the property, smiling at my brother’s new projects.
Whether he somehow choose to let himself go, or his time just came, I don’t know, but it’s a blessing that he was able to pass away peacefully and before his hallucinations became worse.
That’s interesting about the timing of your wife’s pregnancy. As much as I don’t fully believe in the meaning of those coincidences, I still enjoy them and find comfort in them. I wrote about it in a separate comment on this post.
Aw, you too....
Interesting superstition!
When Sister #3 was dying of stomach cancer, she kept holding out for the birth of her granddaughter. Kelly fought so hard and we kept hearing "this is it, this time it's the last battle," but she hung in there until the baby came - three weeks early! - and Kelly never managed to open her eyes and SEE the baby, but she twitched as if in response to hearing that the baby is safe and right here in the room. Ten hours later she died. Her daughters believe Kelly's spirit is especially (imbued?) in this baby. Reincarnation? Nah. That baby has her own soul. But we all love to believe that when a loved one dies, their spirit lives on - in our hearts, in our personalities - we are formed, shaped, influenced, by family members.
Ohhhh you express it so well - even if a loved one is almost age 100, it's hard to let them go.
And this!
"When you live on the other side of the world, far away from your family, every time you see someone, you know it may be the last time you see him/her. You know it, and yet, when it turns out to be true, it’s still so hard to believe."
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Lost one grandpa when I was age 5, the other at age 12.
Now my dad is 89 and fading away.
He and my mom have buried three daughters... 3 outta 5 ...
The first one may have died swiftly (we hope) but for four months she was missing, and the Not Knowing is worse than knowing. We are actually fortunate that her body was found. Too many other cold cases go on for decades with no body ever found....
Second sister battled leukemia for 27 years (more than half her life), and the last five years were brutal, on dialysis, and watching her become bedridden...
The third one fought a horrific and painful battle with stomach cancer. It lasted for months.
Now our dad has been staying alive long beyond what anyone might expect, and I wonder why some people last so long when death would be a release from their suffering.
A friend told me he is terrible at condolences. When his classmate's dad dropped dead suddenly and unexpectedly, Andy said, "That lucky SOB," because the father did not suffer that long, painful demise. I assured him I too might have said something as shocking as that... we can be careless with words....
But you, @boxcarblue, have a way with words, as you already know, and I'm confident your spoken words are also thoughtful (not blurted out the way mine all too often are).
Funny thing. That same friend Andy.
He really hoped his dad would live to see the next grandson...
But that is another long, sad story, and you don't need to hear it.
Just - you nail it!
You speak for all of us.
Wow. It sounds like you have lived through a lot of heartache and difficult times. I can’t begin to imagine would it must be like as a parent or a sibling to deal with a missing person case.
I wish I could say that I’m a good speaker, but I’m not. It takes me a while to compose my thoughts. Often, when I should speak, I don’t, or can’t, because I don’t have the right words at the right time, and my silence is considered rude or inappropriate.
Since coming to Japan and learning to bridge cultural differences and cultural expectations, and maybe just from becoming older and more experienced, I’ve come to understand when it’s better to say something, anything really, rather than remain quiet and in search of the right words.
Thank you for sharing your stories with me.
Wow, do I ever relate to this:
Except, far too often, I do blurt something out. Always regrettable. If you can find a safe platitude or innocuous comment - YOU GO!! - and I need to remember the Mortification of Silence along with saying the "safe," neutral, helpful things, not the terrible "OMG, how awful, your dad is dead" type of outburst.
Cultural differences and expectations - yes!
Americans are known for being blunt, with not enough of a social filter.
Going back to those 1800s Henry James novels...
Thanks for the kind words and oh-so-relatable confessions.
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