My relationship with my parents | Cross culture question

pexels-photo-3730980.jpeg
Source

The relationship between parents and children can be really amazing and it can also be complicated. For me, I wouldn't say I had the best childhood but I can say for sure that my parents did everything possible to ensure that I had the best kind of life, even though they aren't the most educated they still made sure to show me the right path to follow.

What role do/did your parents play in your life?

Fear gripped me all over when my dad walked up to me that evening and stood directly in front of me. I couldn't look up at him, I just held the pencil so tight and focused on the assignment I was battling with for hours. It was simple addition and subtraction but I still couldn't get the hang of it. I guess I was a dullard afterall, because every other seven year old seem to be really good at maths.

After some few minutes, my dad finally spoke. He said, "what is 7 + 3?, are you telling me that at this age you don't know how to do simple addition?, I wonder what that your teacher is teaching you". His voice was loud and I knew he was upset and, kpow!, a slap hit me hard on my back. I cried in agony but then my dad motioned me to quiet down.

He took a chair and sat close to me, asked my sister to get an empty paper. When she did he started to draw long lines and asked me to count them, first he drew 7 long lines, then he added 3 more,then he asked me to count everything together. I did shakily and to my surprise, it was 10. I didn't know of this technique, we then did it over and over again till I could do it by myself.

Then a question got me stuck, it was subtraction, the worst of all of them. He tried the same technique but I still couldn't get it. He stood up, I almost fell thinking he was going to hit me. But instead he walked outside and brought back a lot of little stones, laid them on the table and asked me to pick up 20, I did, after laying them on the table, he asked me to remove 5 stones,I did that too. After that, he asked me to count what I had left, I did and that was it.


There's no way I can recount everything my parents have done for me. It's too much for me to say, and way too much that I can't remember some. I could remember my mom recall how she used to use her mouth to suck out catarrh from my nose when I was still a little baby because I surely couldn't do it. I certainly can remember her changing my diapers and cleaning up my faeces but it happened.

My parents have helped me to be the man I am today. They ensure I got the best out of life even if they couldn't afford everything. I didn't go to the best of schools but they ensured they instilled in me more knowledge. My dad was always so passionate about us being educated. For someone who didn't get past high school, he was always going through our assignments and guiding us on how to be the best.

They were and are still are my guardian angels. They taught me some of the best morals and took me on the path of spirituality. Before I even found my feet, they were there to protect and provide for me, now they guide me and ensure I still stay on the right track. Without them I wonder how my life would have been like. I can remember my mom always holding me close to her chest and saying words of prayers, blessings and anointing me. Everyday, their love has been the foundation on which my life has revolved.

Has your relationship with your parents changed over the years

Well, I would say it has because I'm not the same person I was years ago. Over the years, especially being a teenager has been really challenging for me and also for them. Those were the years I really longed to be able to talk to my parents about what I was experiencing, the changes that were coming with this growth was something I couldn't quite grasp.

But then it was hard to communicate with them because I didn't know what to expect. Most times Nigerian parents don't even let you explain yourself before they start to crucify you. I just didn't know how to approach them and they certainly didn't make things easy for me. They were always complaining about this or that or that and it really made me distance myself more. I was quieter for most of my teenage years, I found solace in my own company and also in social media.

I'll spend hours on my phone doing nothing in particular, it just made me feel better and my dad actually hated it. It hated seeing any of us idle especially when you're fiddling with your phone. So we ended up having lots of arguments and I think I almost hated him. I just couldn't understand why the old man was bothering my life. Then I started to leave the house to go be with friends just to have temporary peace of mind. But then it was worse anytime I got back home.

I just couldn't hear the end of it, of how someone's son was doing better academically or had gained admission into the university. It was always one story after another and I was always painted to be unserious and hopelessly lazy. Nothing I did was ever satisfying, there was always a flaw, either it wasn't done properly or I didn't use the right technique, really got me pissed.

I think the whole thing started to change when I gained admission and went far away. They saw me less now and each time we spoke on phone there's always a certain enthusiasm. Being in the university actually opened me up to life more, I experienced new things and met lots of people. It opened my eye and I began to understand them more than I used to. It certainly wasn't easy parenting a child and I know how we kids can be really frustrating.

I think the relationship grew from disgust and partial hate to a certain type of respect. They started to treat me like a grown up, there was no longer the usual outburst and incessant ranting. Now, it was more of a negotiation, whenever I do something that they don't like, they hold a meeting where we get to address those issues. Recently though I also opted for us to talk about their own attitudes and it was funny that they didn't even realize that they were being inconsiderate at times.

Is there anything you wish your parents would do or would have done differently?

Yeah, they're a few things I wished they would have done differently. I know most times children can be so ignorant and insensitive at times but then instead of resulting into violence or the use of harsh treatment, they would have used dialog instead. It was always common that whenever we did something wrong, instead of giving us chances to explain or defend ourselves, they just lash out at us.

There were days when I had to pay for crimes I didn't commit and there was no way I could defend myself. Sometimes, they just jump into the conclusion that we're being stubborn for no just reason. I think it's part of the reason why we were distant from them. The fear they instilled in us became a big barrier to share with them some of our experiences.

Another thing is the issue of comparison, I hated it and I still do. Recently I let them know that each human is unique in his own way and there's no way you expect that because this one did something the other is supposed to be able to do same. That's a wrong mentality, the fact that I can dance doesn't mean @khaleesii can also dance too. It makes no sense to compare, and they were always fond of doing that.

Without even knowing it, it made me feel less of myself, insecure, almost worthless. I'll go out and think less of myself in front of others because I was already getting used to the you're useless words, I started to feel it and live it. It killed my spirit and my confidence, I started to feel like I couldn't do anything I wanted because I just couldn't do it, it wasn't good at all. They would have just found other ways to motivate us to do more, maybe by promising us gifts or others stuffs so we'll step up our game.

Lastly, I wish they had known how much those insults really got to us. It really affected my psychology, like the comparison, it affected my confidence and killed the relationship we had. Most children start to find comfort in other people who tell them sweet things, they start to become prone to being taken advantage of. Luckily for me, I found friends who helped me build myself, who exposed me and bring out my true potentials.

How are you similar to your parents

I really don't know how to answer this question because they'll actually be some similarities that I wouldn't be too aware of or which aren't quite noticeable. Ok, I remember that I used to have anger issues like my dad but then I fought it early. Now whenever I get angry I just leave that place immediately and go for a long stroll. It actually clears my head immediately and I become a lot calmer than before.

I most say I very wall took after their intelligence. My dad and mom are very intelligent people and I must say it rubbed off me really well. I did really well in secondary school and then in the university I still dey try. I know the work they put in though to make me smart even if it was hereditary, I was almost becoming a block head.

My parents are really friendly people but they hardly have a lot of friends, they keep their circle small. I think I also took after this, I have a lot of acquaintances but keep my circle. For someone who's quite popular in school you'll think I have tons of friends but on a contrary I can count my friends. Apart from that I think I took after their good looks. My dad is a pretty handsome man and my mom is quite pretty. Even though people say I'm the ugliest in the family I still think I got their good looks, lol.

I think they're a lot more things that I can't really recall or I don't even know exists. I know my parents tend to give to others and they're really patient. My dad will borrow someone money and would still be so so considerate when asking for the money back, sometimes he'll just even forget about the money, hehe, I don't know why but I behave like that too sometimes.

How are you different from your parents

I think it'll be hard to really tell how I'm different from them until I become a parent myself. I can say though that I'll strive to be a better parent, to learn from their mistakes and expose my children to the beauty of life. My parents were blinded by the fact that they thought that being uneducated made them unsuccessful but they didn't know that education was a lot more than just books. We learn from everything around us, we learn from nature, we learn from little children and also from experiences and adventures.

I want my kids to discover themselves early in life. I don't want them to be just book educated but to be quite knowledgeable in a lot of other things and learn from them. I'll also build a better relationship with them, I wan my little 6year daughter to be able to tell about that boy she's having a crush on in school.

Do you prefer a more involved relationship with your parents or more distance?

Who wouldn't want to love or be loved by his parents. I wouldn't want nothing less than to make up for lost years. To show them the love I wasn't able to express and make them feel a lot special. If I had my way I'll be closer to my parents, I would love to make sure they end their years in happiness and joy.

Inasmuch as distance is good and gives you a certain relevance, it still shouldn't still be welcomed with the ones you love. These few years I've been away from them more than I've been with them. Sometimes I'll stay a whole year without even seeing them, it didn't really feel great but I guess I thought I was escaping their problems and having peace of mind. I want to be closer to them than ever before, I want to be able to share with them my fears and my dreams and aspirations and receive their blessings.


It's really hard sometimes to have the best kind of relationship with your parents. Life gets hard and they end up taking it out on you. Most times they don't even know that what they're doing has a great deal of impact in shaping you into the person you'll become. Instead of mopping, I just hope we all learn from our parents and build better relationships with our own children.


Thank you for reading through this post ❤️✅



0
0
0.000
18 comments
avatar

the fact that I can dance doesn't mean @khaleesii can also dance too.

!LOL

The phrase in Korean is 부전자전: Like the father... like the son.

It doesn't mean we are the same as our father but regardless of what we do we are like our father. There were a lot of things I saw my father do and naturally I saw myself doing the same things. It's important to be aware and grow. I'm glad to hear you can have a relationship with your father now. Children know everything so when my kids met my parents and brothers they saw everything. I could then point out the good things about my dad. The boys then could see him in a better light.

0
0
0.000
avatar

You're right @mineopoly we can be like our parents but we're not in any way the same with time.
I'm sure the boys were delighted to be able to see their grand dad and share amazing moments with him.

Thanks for your comment ✅🙏

0
0
0.000
avatar

My mother also used to make comparisons before until she realized that I was actually way better than most of the people she compared me to, I think it's a Nigerian parent thing.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Yeah .swers I think all or most Nigerian parents are wired that way. Imagine..how can you be comparing your child with someone you know little or nothing about...

Glad your mom realized it later

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sometimes all we need is a little bit of space, right? Space to be ourselves. Learn about who we are as a standalone person...and then once we achieve that, or get far along the journey, we can revisit and reconnect. I enjoyed this read Chinco, my friend. It's raw and vulnerable, honest. It is clear there is a lot of love between yourself and your parents and I am really happy for you that the divide appears t have been conquered sufficiently to rebuild bridges of mutual respect. !ALIVE

0
0
0.000
avatar

Yeah...I feel it's hard to love someone if you don't know how to love yourself. It all begins with discovering ourselves and when we do that we get to understand a lot of things and maybe be less vulnerable to hurt.
I'm glad they're still alive and we can reconnect.

Thank you for your warm words my dear @samsmith1971 ..❤️✅

0
0
0.000
avatar

Man... Whenever are parents are beside us when we are writing assignment (especially mathematics), our brain goes nuts until we receive a hot kpom 😂.

Funny stuff... Hahah.

Back in the days, my Dad was never around to see us do the assignment or to assist in any of those. Thankfully, my Mum was always there to do the tough job. Hahah.

Nice one from you bro @chincoculbert

Anger issue seems to be a general phenomena for many guys. Thankfully, your fought yours early enough.

It's always there, just know that. The anger issue didn't leave. You just learned how to manage it as you grew older.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Man... Whenever are parents are beside us when we are writing assignment (especially mathematics), our brain goes nuts until we receive a hot kpom 😂.

😂😂 No be lie, you know this thing, it's hard to compose ourselves around them especially when it comes to academic matters. But that knock always recharges our battery.

Back in the days, my Dad was never around to see us do the assignment or to assist in any of those. Thankfully, my Mum was always there to do the tough job. Hahah

Glad your mom was there. They're kids who have both their parents around but they still don't help out. At the end of the day they end up blaming the teachers for any misdoings.

Nice one from you bro @chincoculbert

Thanks a lot bro ❤️

Anger issue seems to be a general phenomena for many guys. Thankfully, your fought yours early enough.

It's always there, just know that. The anger issue didn't leave. You just learned how to manage it as you grew older.

You're right though, every I'm about to flair up I just tell myself that there's really no reason too. The loses are a lot more than the gains.

Thanks for coming around bro..means a lot ❤️✅

0
0
0.000