The Language of Our Lives: The Fallacy of "Having To"
"I have to call my mother!"
It was something my former business partner of many years ago would say, pretty much all the time. Then she'd dash off from the shop floor — this was before cell phones — and spend an hour or more in the office, talking to her mother on the phone.
But Do You, REALLY?
I suppose it's a turn of phrase we pretty much all use, at one point or another, in a wide variety of contexts.
I have to do the laundry.
I have to go to the store.
I have to lose weight.
Maybe I'm just curmudgeonly, but I have always found it somewhat annoying, perhaps because it ultimately represents a misappropriation of language.
No, you don't have to call your mother, you choose to call your mother.
I'm pretty sure nobody's holding a gun to your head, or holding your family hostage as a threat of most of the things you claim you "have to" do!
Oh, Come On! Big Deal!
Of course, there is lots of daily language that's actually inaccurate or ambiguous, in a strict sense. Mostly, I don't care.
I think the reason "have to" bothers me is because I observe a lot of people hiding behind this particular phrase, ultimately creating an illusion that they actually aren't free to choose their actions... when they actually are.
My former business partner's wife could just as easily have said "I'm GOING to call my mother," excused herself and gone to make the call.
Maybe it's just my distaste for unnecessary drama and head games that's rearing its ugly head!
Accountability is Risky and Hard Work!
The thing about being accountable for our words and subsequent actions is that we run the risk of exposing ourselves to the world, as we actually are. And maybe the people around us won't like what they hear.
Consider how we respond to a statement prefaced with "have to."
"Poor Bob! He HAS TO go home and be with his dysfunctional family for the holidays, even though he hates it and gets stressed out. He has no CHOICE."
But in reality, Bob is choosing to spend the holiday with his family, even though he doesn't want to... and probably won't enjoy it.
This thing about life is that most things that come our way result in choices. And choices have consequences. And many of those consequences are not necessarily pleasant.
A lot of the time, "have to" also serves as a way we protect our egos (fragile, or not) from feeling questioned. When we express that we "have to" undertake something unpleasant, we remove ourselves (mostly!) from the possibility of someone looking at us askance and saying "Only an idiot would willingly choose to do that!"
But since we "had to," we relinquished personal accountability for making a possibly toxic choice... and imparted the illusion that it wasn't our choice.
It's Not ALWAYS Like That!
Naturally, there are lots of occasions on which "having to" is appropriate. But we tend to overuse it.
Earlier, I told Mrs. Denmarkguy that I was going to write a blog post before bed. I definitely didn't have to!
But enough about that! Really, this post is less a complaint than an invitation to reflect on how we say things, and which words we use... and why.
Thanks for stopping by, and have a great weekend!
How about you? Are you conscious of the language and expressions you use... and what they REALLY mean? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Created at 20221008 00:03 PDT
0665/1911
Pretending that you don't have a choice is criticized strongly in existentialist philosophy, which considers making choices the essence of being human. Sartre called it mauvaise foi (bad faith). He even said that the French were never so free as during the German occupation, since they had to make though decisions every day.
That's not my opinion, by the way. I think it's fine to focus on being rather than doing. But you're right, people should take responsibility for the choices they make.
My grandfather once told me that there's no such thing as 'have to'. Coincidentally, he helped to 'free' the French from the German occupation as an American soldier, ironically something he believed he 'had' to do because he was drafted (certainly not because he cared about the French or freedom abroad) and had no choice. I guess focusing on being rather than doing is a choice; I wonder, do you think we can choose not to be?