What We Learn to Believe About Ourselves in Childhood... and the Labor of UN-Doing it

In a perfect world, it seems that the ideal would be that childhood teaches us how to be "good" and well-balanced human beings who are capable of making reasonably sound choices and generally being some semblance of "successful" at life.

Whatever that means to each of us.

Our "Formative Years..."

That's what they call those early and impressionable years.

There might some disagreement as to exactly when they are; some say before the age of nine, others say the whole enchilada before we leave home and try to make a life on our own.

I suppose we could say that parenting mostly involve parents "doing the best they can," given what they know and what resources are available to them.

Some parents are supportive and kind; some are... well... not so much. The latter tend to carry with them a lot of "psychological damage" from their own lives, which they then pass on to their children, during those early years.

Navigating the Contradictions

Of course, every individual is different. Every young person going through the process of growing up, is different.

Some of us start pondering "the deeper meaning of things" at a young age, while others are less inclined to question why their environment feels the way it does.

In retrospect, I was very young — or so I have been told, in retrospect — when I first noticed that something didn't feel "quite right."

That is, I started noticing the growing number of inconsistencies between what my parents were stating to be "true" about the world, and what I actually observed in the environment around me. Sadly, these observations were something my formative years had taught me it was best that I keep to myself.

I Was a "Nervous" Kid...

I am not entirely sure whether I was quiet and compliant by nature, or whether I was taught to be that way.

What I do know is that what I believed to be my best course of action was to stay quiet, stay out of people's way, not be an inconvenience to anyone, not cause anyone to get angry with me and generally just blend into the woodwork.

That was the behavior that was positively reinforced by the adults around me.

The "contradictory" bit was the fact that I was "theoretically" indoctrinated into lessons of "exceptionalism" and being "outstanding" and "better than everyone else," while at the same time having reinforced that the appropriate course of action was to be as "gray" and invisible as possible.

The "nervous" part came into play because of the obvious psychological conflict between the expectation that I were to "speak up and make something of myself" while at the same time being "quiet and of no inconvenience to anyone."

Life becomes a bit strained and strange, when you can't reconcile what your environment really expects of you.

At quite a young age, I determined that the safest course of action was simply to retreat inside myself. Nothing else really made much sense.

The "Undoing"

Of course, I write this simply as an example of the way lots of people come into their adult life, filled with contradictions... and often ill prepared for this thing called "adulthood."

I am actually very grateful that I seemed to be of a personality that was naturally predisposed to self-inquiry long before most even think of questioning their particular lot in life.

Perhaps the single most important (and initial) step in the process of undoing much of what I was taught during my formative years was simply befriending a psychology graduate student when I started University and having confirmed to me that my inner sense that "something about it all was really WRONG" was, in fact, not just some illusion in the head of a whiny kid.

Of course, not all people end up starting adulthood with the task of having to undo their childhood! But some do... and it's not easy.

Thanks for reading, and have a great remainder of your weekend!

How about you? When you grew up, were there part of your childhood you had to undo? When did you become aware? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

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Created at 20220807 01:59 PDT
0623/1869