When fears and boundaries become heavier than love

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When my brother met me, I was in a state of confusion, fear, and utter submersion in emotions. Two days ago, I shared my Samgyupsal experience with my brother. In the previous part, I mentioned that we had a heart-to-heart talk about relationships and life. Although we were not related by blood, our relationship deepened over time. I think that was the most heart-wrenching conversation we had in public.

Image edited in Canva. Original image from Pixabay by Daniel_Nebreda

He asked me about my life, my studies, and my blogging journey. It started well; conversations were light with smiles on our faces. Out of the blue, he started to talk about his current love status. My brother Jan was a 28-year-old guy, single, and committed to his leadership and career. Through the years, he set aside the opportunity to open himself up to relationships because he thought it was not the right time. I listened to his stories, and no matter how melodramatic the deliberation is, it touches my heart. He finished the story strongly, with plenty of motivation and quotes. And then, he asked me, "How’s your heart?"

I was stunned for a few seconds because I did not know how to answer it. My laughter burst and I saw his confused expression, wondering why I was laughing. I told him that I was okay, my heart was calm as usual, and I was happy. I didn’t convince him with my answer, so he asked me back once again. "How’s your heart? Do you have a crush? "Someone targeted for court?" he asked. I ate a piece of grilled pork before I answered his questions because I was thinking about the real, current situation in my heart. I do not want to lie for the reason that it would always reflect my reactions and feelings. Honestly, I answered him the way I see myself right now.

Yes, I have a few crushes for some reason. I approached them, telling them how I felt about them. I sighed. But to court, someone is not in my phase yet. I am interested in her, but my heart is not interested in starting an actual relationship with her. I am not ready yet.

He replied back, explaining and figuring out my real interpretation of my answer. I just sat down, listening to his resolutions about what I told him. In fact, I was hurt because I was not ready yet to hear it. And here’s the lesson I learned that day.

Image from Pixabay by Pixel2013

Why is my heart not interested in a relationship?

  1. Fear of rejection- deep down in my heart, I feared that I would be rejected. The fact is that rejection hurts, and I don’t want to experience it. The fear of rejection offers you pain that will leave a mark on your heart and mind. I realized that one of the reasons why I am still single right now is because of this. I, myself, have no past relationships until now.

  2. Uninterested in commitment- others would dare say that commitment is the hardest thing to do in a relationship. You invest your time in getting to know someone, putting your efforts at bay, and realistically, you need money when you are stepping up in a relationship. A boy should have enough money to treat the girl, date her, and give her something she wants. I think this is something that I am not able to do yet.

  3. Great wall of boundaries- few of you are aware that I am an excellent student. I think, in my mind, that having a relationship will cause me to stop excelling in school. I am not great at managing myself. I will not deny that. Later on, I realized that the wall I am building is getting stronger, thicker, and taller over time, which prevents me from seeing the other side of the benefits of the relationship. I am willing to accept assistance in tearing down the walls that were previously indestructible. But that wall is within me, and the person who can knock it down is myself.

  4. Preventing yourself from love due to responsibility in the family— some Filipinos have the case where they prevent and stop themselves from falling in love because, in their minds, the most important thing is how they can help their family get out of poverty. I realized that sometimes having this kind of mindset becomes a hindrance for me in love. This is a mindset that I instilled in myself, and removing it will take time.

“The day you realized that believing in yourself that you are ready to love is the day you accepted yourself that you are capable of doing it without ifs, don’ts, and buts."

On the other hand, perhaps I was in the state of the building and preparing myself for the person I would be spending the rest of my life with. How it deeply saddens me whenever I hear and see relationships ending because they are both unprepared. I am in the process of developing all aspects of my life, including emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and financial aspects. It is not important how long you need to wait to get into a relationship or how long you are in your current relationship, because at the end of the day, what matters most is that you love unconditionally without reservation.


QN: What are your challenges before stepping up in a relationship?



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39 comments
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Lahat ng mga reasons mo, yan din yung reason ko kung bat ayaw ko pumasok sa relationship. I don't think it's necessary na magkajowa feeling ko dagdag problema lang yan eh dagdag mo pa yang mga senti na jowa hahahah.

Hanggang crush nalang at least may inspiration 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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It's not necessary when you feel it is not the right time for you to have it. For now, I see relationship as a distraction since I'm sill studying and doing blogging for the meantime.

Yeah, it's better to have crushes than aches.

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My challenge is that I don't know when I will be ready knowing I am too old for that. I never see myself with someone in the future where ironically I wonder what I look like with someone. I don't have a steady mindset when it comes to my personal life

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It's hard to love when you see nothing about yourself having it. How can we possibly open a relationship when we, ourselves, are not sure about it, right? You're still young ate. Love has no age, and I believe that the right guy will come eventually.

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Lahat po siguro ng nabanggit, hahahaha. Especially if you're the eldest one in the family. You need to set aside romantic relationships for the sake of your long-term goals in life. Love is too much of a risk for a struggling me. Aside from heartbreak, the downside of being committed to someone at this age is that I tend to lose focus on the things I usually do. I don't think it will benefit me as of now as I have lots of things to achieve. And having to enter into a relationship is out of that box. 😅

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I saw your profile and you were only 18. I think in that age, relationship should be set aside since you must focus well on your studies. I am 21 years old guy, and I struggle about it. You have so much time to enjoy, and I know that when the right time comes, you will meet the guy you are longing for.

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Of course, I'm very aware of how I should prioritize my studies. Maybe even when I grow older, I don't think I'm fit for that kind of stuff. I meant that way bcs I often see ppl my age or younger ones, engaging in a relationship and I do not see myself in that way more so long for someone even at the right time. But thank you for your kind words. I will keep them in mind!

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When you don't see yourself in a relationship right now, the way you observed others in your same age. I think you are just protecting yourself from being hurt, and preserving it until the right one comes.

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A boy should have enough money to treat the girl, date her, and give her something she wants.

HAHAHA!
I repeat:

enough money to treat the girl

😂
Seriously though, this mindset should be changed.
It's not the man's responsibility to treat the woman whenever there's a date.
While we appreciate the effort, we would also like to be able to pay for ourselves. 😅

I think, in my mind, that having a relationship will cause me to stop excelling in school.

I think this is good. I mean, it's true. Having a girlfriend/boyfriend could distract someone, especially if your partner does not have the same goals as you. Some partners are too clingy, and therefore your time and attention will be divided.

On the other hand, perhaps I was in the state of the building and preparing myself for the person I would be spending the rest of my life with.

TRUE! AS IN 100% AGREE!
There's no need to waste your time and attention on people that you won't be spending forever.
If the goal is not marriage, you're both wasting each other's time and money.
Unless of course, you just don't want to get married forever - but are committed to staying together.

While you're waiting for that special someone, be the man you want to be - or rather what God wants you to be. (sorry, if I mentioned God, I'm not sure if you're a Christian)
Set your priorities. It will definitely help you.

!PIZZA

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I think miss, as a man, it becomes a culture that the man should shoulder the bills and stuff. But yes, in some instances, it depends on the coupes on how they will manage the finances and billings.

I am not really good at managing myself especially if there's a lot of variables on the table. I can manage my time well, but aspects of life are not.

Yes miss, that's my mindset as well. I don't want to see my future relationship as for pleasure and fun. You know, my mindset is, when you enter a relationship you have to see your partner as someone you want to spend the rest of your life. If you don't see it, then don't pursue it.

Why would I risk my heart to something that I know it would be broken later on? It's a no, no. It's okay miss. I'm actually a Christian..

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(Edited)

PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!

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There is time for everything. Glad that you are striving to be the best version of yourself.

But fear of rejection will make you weak. You have to face upur fear maybe not now because you are still young but eventually you have to. And Nobody will ever be ready for a heartbreak or rejection. But it will teach you lessons and strengthens you heart.

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Indeed. There is a right time for things, and I believe it will come when it is destine to happen.

Perhaps I am not ready to be rejected, and face many fears I have in love. I just hope that when it happens, I am ready for it. My partner is ready for it as well. I really don't like to be in a relationship that I know it will end soon.

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Oi he talks about love. Bata ka pa @dennnmarc dami ka pang bigas na makakain hehehe. Anyway, I have my first and last boyfriend and the age of 25. I choose to be single until that time for many reasons. Same as you I wanted to focus in my study first, want to help my brothers first, want to help my family first. Every single out there have their own reasons why they are still single until this moment.

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Yes, I am still young, but I'm already 21. I feel like it's a right age to discover relationship life because I have been stuck with it for so many years. As much as I wanted to have it, but I can't for some reasons.

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If you're planning to court someone, know her first if possible. Long observation is a great way to know her more.

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Nah! No interest and plan yet about it ate.

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Preventing yourself from love due to responsibility in the family— some Filipinos have the case where they prevent and stop themselves from falling in love because, in their minds, the most important thing is how they can help their family get out of poverty.

I completely get this. It's the first thing I thought about when I considered getting married and starting a family. Which will happen to them? I was supporting the family at the time. I'm relieved that everything is finally coming together.

Here have some !PIZZA

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Yeah, when we are about to enter a relationship, our first response is what will happen to our family? We're too much attached in the so called family-oriented that's why it was deeply rooted in our minds.

Thanks for the pizza! Hihi.

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This is also my reasons why I don't let myself enter to a relationship pero trust me, may taong magpapabago ng perception mo. Dadating yung specific na person na yon na gigiba sa mga reasons mo bat ayaw mo magcommit. This person is worth the risk. Tama ba? basta ganun hahaha.

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Perhaps there is really someone allotted for us who shakes and turns our world upside down. There's nothing wrong about risking since you will get an experience out of it. Haha. Yeah, you're right. You have points. We talked about this before, aren't we?

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Long term commitment ata bet mo... I mean, yung sigurado na tlga ..and in a right time.. Bata kapa nman..kya focus munsa sa studies. 😊

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Yes ate. I'm longing for a long term relationship, not for a past time and eventually will break up because of nonsensical things. That's why I am preserving myself ad much as possible. I have crushes, but it will stay as it is. Bata pa nga po. I'm 18. Just kidding!

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I think, in my mind, that having a relationship will cause me to stop excelling in school

You're definitely right. Not many people can cope with relationships and school at the same time, one side is bound to suffer: either the relationship or your education. I learnt this the hard way and now I concluded it's better to remain single until I am ready

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You got it well. I have been in dilemma about it since I know there will be a change. A change that I am not ready yet. Entering a relationship should happen when we are fully-equipped and well-prepared because in that way, we can do better than just to love our partner.

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Pag may red flag, let go na wahaha. Ansarap maging single but sometimes ya know, lonely nights haha! Pero just work on yourself, and you will run someone that is destined for you. Gusto mo yern? !PIZZA

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Yeah, there's a bad side of being single when you are in the right age of having a relationship. I am working on myself, sharpening my skills, finishing my studies, and learning to become a good guy. Thanks for Pizza!

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I have those reasons also that's why I can't be in a relationship right now and for the upcoming years. Not until I can assure the safety and stability of my family. The weight on my shoulders now is heavy.
There's a time for everything ika nga.😊

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It's like we are succumbing ourselves because of the responsibility or sense of responsibility we have towards our family. Yes, the time will come when we get to know the person chosen for us.

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I totally understand your point of view, maybe you should take all the time you need to figure your shit out excuse my language before you enter into a relationship.
Of course that doesn’t stop the inevitable like heartbreak but at least you will enjoy it while it lasts.

My challenge before stepping in a relationship is trust.
I love love but I have extreme trust issues 😅

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Yes, it's okay. Perhaps I have too many excuses for myself, but erm, you know it's kind of hard to enter in a relationship you know will not last long.

Thanks for coming by! I appreciated it.

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How'd I miss such talks.

I always ask people whom I care about how is their heart and if there's something that has been bothering them.

As an older kuya here I would assume as one already, I was in the same situation that you are before. I am afraid of being rejected thus I am not that open to others ( I am more vulnerable now). The walls that I have built have been a great defense against others no one can enter and if they got in I can just boot them out so easily.

I thought back then that I might be alone as I am not good enough. I may be smart, but I lack social skills. I do not cry, nor expressive to what I feel thanks to the depravation that I had years ago. Becoming a breadwinner was just passed on to me at that time I am the 5th and all of my elder siblings already have their own families.

Until I met a friend, we shared lives together triumphs, sorrow, joy, loss of job, etc. No courting happened we just said to each other that we are feeling different from each other now and the care that we have is way stronger already.

So what am I pointing out?

It will be there if it is the right time. Maybe not now, since you are still studying and the role that you have is become a student but maybe after school when you are facing the real world with all the forces out there a good and strong woman will be there by your side.

Don't rush things and believe in your ideals, never compromise you will attract the same person that you want to be, and be strong in faith.

Jeez so long message now.

don't die

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I'm speechless!

I appreciated people who asks me how I am without any hidden intentions. Meaning, we are somehow similar to each other when it comes to personality and behavior.

The day I will meet the girl for me, I wish that day I am ready for the future responsibility I will have. I don't want that day to happen when I'm still clouded with nonsensical thoughts.

Instead, I'm focusing and giving most of my time to study and blogging since this is my passion. I will not rush things, and I will definitely wait.

Thanks kuya pogi.

I'll live.

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Mature decisions,
First and Second points of yours will fade away when you truly fall in love with someone and the person would respond in the same way, referring to a perfect combo to understand one another. And the Third and Fourth ones are the most crucial ones and I will suggest you stick with them as you are doing now, maturity is to understand these and act accordingly.

Best of luck and lots of good wishes for you.

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