I don't know how but I just did it and that is a gift!

It is no coincidence that the previous week has been rough for me with the month October approaching very fast. My faith has been tried and my heart has been burned, a lot. I keep wondering how I kept smiling through it all.

Dreemie wrote a post about #speekpeece when it seemed all my peace left me. One thing after the other just hitting me left, right and center. My mind was in utter chaos and Tengo pointed out today how cheerful, bubbly Deraa had disappeared for a while.

Yet, I seemed to find myself more in this trying period. It was so dark that it even affected my mom. She got depressed and wouldn't go out for business. How I got the strength to get up each morning and still smile, go about my daily business and even still topping the Hive Engagement League is...well, it is bewildering.

I made the decision to make this post after so much contemplation. I haven't made a post in three days with good reason. Today, I swore to myself that it would be different. I woke up not feeling like doing anything as that dark cloud still hovered over me but what I learned over time with falling and rising is to never let them steal your joy.

Where there is no joy there is only depression. Where there is depression there is no inspiration. Where there is no inspiration there is retrogression and then oppression and then despair and finally...you know the drill.

So it was me against my mind but thankfully I wasn't alone. I kept myself occupied on my knees during this time because...I have never encountered such a time where even sleep seems to instill fear in me. Nightmares and stuff. Horrible!

I thank God though because in the course of this period I got to understand something. Great people are always targeted by humans and by demons. Yeah right? Is it getting spiritual? Well it is spiritual!

It is one thing to be attacked by people and another to be attacked by your family member. These people seem to have a mandate to bring me down but so what? Joseph had his brothers throw him into a well and sell him into slavery.

I decided to make this post because writing helps me let go. Like I was telling my partner Ed, I just love to write. It does things to me that no human being does. It frees me. Like a sickle, it reaches into my soul and uproots the bad seeds! So, I decided to leave what I wanted to write today and put down my thoughts!

Some of my closest family had been spreading certain rumors about me that got to my uncle's ears and he called today to ask about it after pushing I and my mom to the sidelines after so long because he thought I was a hooker.

That's right! I hear the same thing in my neighborhood. Hooker, drug addict and whatnot. Some people have actually approached me to ask how true it is because I look too healthy to be into drugs and I always appreciate them. Why this one hurt so bad is because I did look up to this woman while she just made sure I was estranged from my family.

There was a time I worked in Abuja. At that period, I was sleeping on cold floors and hardly eating just to save up then. I was fresh out of Highschool and going through the worst time in my life. I had only my mom as support and it turns out that was the period this rumour was circulating. I never knew and when I found out (few weeks ago), I was so hurt. So hurt! My heart burned with so much pain and it felt as though nothing could heal it.

I was plagued by nightmares so much. I don't know how it affected me to the extent I just did not want to sleep. Coffee became my best friend this past week and so did pain killers.

But today, I forgave. I just let it go. I don't know how but I did and I feel free. My mom hasn't been able to because she knows what I - WE - went through. I hope God gives her strength.

Like I said, Joseph was betrayed by his brothers and sold as a slave to Egypt but he became the Prime Minister that put food in their mouths. It also isn't a coincidence that during this time, my Pastor was teaching on Love and Forgiveness.

So I let it all go! I let it go. Hehe. Two tears in a bucket...

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