The Guilt (Holograph)

There are a lot of ways to end up in the dumps. In this context I mean in a not so nice place in your head; and one of those sure ways is guilt.

Guilt has made many of us take steps that we normally wouldn’t. This emotion comes with a weight that is unbearable. I remember seeing a documentary where some girls in middle school murdered their friend just because they couldn’t keep letting her be a part of the group and they couldn’t cut her off either. What to do? Just off with her head.

However, only two weeks pass and one of the girls is running mental and screaming at the top of her voice how they murdered their friend. Guilt!

I have never murdered anyone but I have experienced the weight of guilt. I have forgiven myself countless times for many things but they remain etched in my memory. Right now, I don’t feel the usual pain I used to when I remember some of those things, but they are still there nonetheless; reminders to never repeat the same mistakes. But that’s not the reason for this post. The reason for the load of words is today? My day off.

When I made the conscious decision to take today off because I had noticed changes in my body, I understood that I would battle my mind but I did not know just how much until today came around. Thoughts like…

“It’s only been a month and you’re resting? Wow!”

“You are so unserious”

“Lazy”

“Weak”

“You made another excuse. Are you really as strong as you think?”

…plagued my mind. I thought I have passed this point of feeling guilty for not working but I guess I was wrong. Now my question, how can I overcome a thing like this?

When I’m not working, it always feels like something is wrong no matter how much I say it’s alright. I’m attacked by my expectations. It’s like being idle is just a grave sin and I can’t have it. When I take time off, leisure or something, it multiplies. Almost like I don’t deserve to rest.

Today, I slept in. I woke up around 9am and the moment I opened my eyes I had to tell myself it was fine that I was resting. But is it? That’s what I kept asking myself. The day kept on going and the closer I got to the end, the more guilt I felt. Guilt of doing nothing. This isn’t so good, is it?

https://img.inleo.io/DQmbWjQrYKMuZJVTxtABPpNMTtA5874tiqkkB7m9Y4YcAVS/WhatsApp%20Image%202024-03-28%20at%209.49.10%20PM%20(1).jpeg

I went online to search for any possible solutions to alleviate how I was feeling but as usual, Google gives only the “best” articles. So formal! I hate formal. So, I settled for Korean Drama, more sleep and going to the market. Ahh. Going to the market… I did not feel so useless then. I had a purpose. Then I got back and it was sunset and what next? Hive.

I want to know if anyone feels this way too and if they do, how do they deal with it? How do they cope? Someone told me to just take my mind off it but it’s not that simple. If it was, I wouldn’t be making this post. So tell me, how do you cope with guilt that comes with rest?

All Images are mine.