Have you ever been loved?
Have you ever been loved?.
I don't know about anyone else but my answer to this question is a big capital NO.
My mother never said it but anytime our eyes met, I saw it, she never wanted me. She got pregnant with me due to " an unfortunate circumstance ", I had heard her say to someone once.
Over the years, I had tried my best with her. I did exceptionally well in school so she would be proud of me, I waited up for her every single night since I was three years old because she always worked late.
By the time I was eight, I stepped it up a notch. I started cooking or I tried to make something of whatever we had in the fridge. The days she got home extra tired and would pass out on the couch. I was always there with a blanket so she wouldn't catch a cold.
But no matter what I did. She never seemed to see me. It was like I didn't even exist.
Now I was twelve years old, sitting on my bed and in the process of pulling my hair out and screaming.
Why couldn't she just be like be normal like everyone else?
I'm not talking about my mother now. I am referring to my teacher, Miss Dandelion. Even her name is weird.
I liked school and I excelled at it. This was because I could open a book, read what was in it and comprehend it easily.
But Miss Dandelion, eye roll insists on making my life difficult.
At school earlier today, she told us to write an essay which would take 30% of our grade. Topic, "Have you ever been loved?". It was an easy question, a couple of twelve year olds should be loved by their parents, pets, and their friends.
"Think outside the box she said".First paper in the trash can.
"Be creative she said ". Second paper in the trash can.
Well there goes the entire notebook.
I heard the door open and close. I checked my time, it's too early for her to be back.
I tiptoed towards the door to check. I was about to turn my door knob when it burst open.
She stared at me, I stared back at her.
"Mama, you're back early, I haven't made dinner yet. I was working on an assignment but I'll go get started on it you can wait in here if-"
"Your eyes they are just like-", she stopped then her face went blank. That didn't stop the smile that broke free, why?, because she almost never spoke to me.
When I was done we ate together in silence. I went to bed that night still smiling.
A week later, I still hadn't done the assignment and it was due in four days.
Miss Dandelion walked in. Why was she always so happy?. She began the class, something was wrong.
I tried my best not to listen to her chirpy voice every other day, but today I wasn't trying. Her voice was buzzing. Was it just me or the room was spinning?.
Why was everyone talking at thesame time?.
I finally heard Miss Dandelion clearly when she screamed, "Ashley!!!". Then everything went black.
I woke up to beeping sounds. I opened my eyes, adjusting to the light to see Miss Dandelion worried face. She wasn't smiling, why wasn't she smiling?
"Where's my mother?".
She forced a smile and said, "Everything is going to be fine, just rest okay?".
I was discharged two days later. Miss Dandelion took me home. I still hadn't seen Mama.
When I got home, it felt colder than usual. I went straight to my room. On the bed laid a pad and a note on it saying "play me".
I turned it on, my Mama's face came on the screen.
If you are watching this video, it means the surgery worked and you're going to be fine. When you were born, they told me your heart was weak. They were not sure you'd make it to your teenage years. I took one look at you and I knew I would do anything for you. I stayed away so you wouldn't miss me so much when I was gone. Maybe I should have done things differently but I can't change the past. Your eyes, they're just like your father's. I wish our story had turned out differently. My little Ashley, thank for this past years, for showing me how to love and be loved. I want you to live your life for us both. Place your hand on your chest.
I placed it where my heart was beating.
Remember I'm always there, you have my heart now, keep it warm and tender.
Maybe you can write that essay now, because my little girl. Mama loved you very much.
Miss Dandelion hugged me tightly while I cried.
I love you too Mama, I whispered.