One of the most important tools for sustaining a relationship is undoubtedly communication. A few days ago, I was reflecting on a couple of life issues. Looking back and thinking critically about all the relationship problems I hear of and have equally experienced, I concluded that 80% of them are as a result of poor communication.

A quick background story

A few nights ago I thought of a particular guy that was a very good friend of mine last year and it just happened that we fell apart. We went from talking everyday to not talking for months. The unbelievable part is that it didn't strike me until recently. I felt guilty because I felt I contributed majorly to our falling apart.

I decided to call him and I did. After the pleasantries he asked why we just fell apart and I said we got busy with school work and he plainly told me he thinks there's more. He added that I wasn't giving him my usual vibe anymore so he felt he should give me some space. I summoned courage and explained to him that he did something that turned me off, then I told him everything that happened.

I had this important exam I needed to write last year and I was scared. Rumour has it that many students fail the course because it requires a lot of textual explanations and oftentimes there's barely always time to cover all the recommended literature for my course. Over the phone one day, I did express my concern to my friend and expected a kind of reassurance and support but he invalidated my fears and said my course was easy and nothing compared to his. This was something that had me staying up at night thinking and oftentimes crying as well and when I finally found the courage to express my fears, my feelings were invalidated. I was turned off and that's how I stopped communicating with my friend.

When I finally told him everything, he kept saying I should have told him and he apologized for it. I accepted the apology but we didn't rekindle our bond.

This singular experience made me realize that people do not really understand the importance of empathic listening. Most times when people share a concern, it's not because they need anything. More often than not, they just want to be heard, they just want to be listened to.

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Empathetic listening involves giving someone else the opportunity to lead the conversation. Some people simply love to talk so much that they hardly give the other person a chance to speak. Sometimes, while you are contributing, let the other person talk and take charge of the conversation.

👉 Even if you have a solid argument to make, avoid interjecting.It's important to always hold your peace. Before adding anything, just let the person express themselves completely.

👉 Ask open-ended questions when it is most appropriate to encourage the other person to elaborate on what they are talking about with you.

👉 Never assume anything until hearing the whole story. Even when you believe you have heard a larger portion of the tale, the minor facts that have not been addressed frequently suffice to cause you to rethink your judgments.

👉 After they are finished speaking, it's crucial to reiterate the main ideas you heard. This shows the speaker that you were paying attention, and it also gives you the opportunity to clarify anything you might have misheard.

The misconception about communication is that it's mostly about speaking, telling, expressing... but people forget that there's no communication if we speak and no one is listening. Listening is just as important as speaking. 50% of issues is resolved just by listening to others. Make sure you develop as a better listener because the empathic listening approach has the power to significantly improve your connection.
Enjoy the new week!

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