A Nigerian Mind

gif from tenor

Life as a Nigerian is like a horror movie where you are constantly hunted, not by a mysterious element or force, but by potbellied and overweight blokes whom you just can't touch but they touch your life in unpleasant ways. And we already know how it ends for every black man in horror movies.

But I'm not here to educate us on horror movies. I actually don't watch horror movies because of just one reason "the black guy never survives". I understand the writers very well and know that it's not racial, after all not many white people can survive in Benin in Nigeria.

These horrifying experiences has triggered a deeper level of over thinking in me and it's got me exploring my environment more. That's when I realized that Benin is the only city in Nigeria where it's people don't need airport or aeroplane to fly.

That's why one of the most successful movies of all time is a movie about Benin city. And that's the movie you guys know as Harry Potter. Flying with broom is an everyday life in that city, and dead people even paste their own obituaries on the streets, inviting people to their funeral. On some occasions, they might even be the ones to serve you refreshment at the funeral.

It's also got me thinking about why housefly is always flying in the house, but butterfly doesn't go anywhere near butter. Unless you horticulturists will tell me that there are flowers with butter on their tulips. And why is busy pronounced as 'bizi' but business is pronounced as 'biznes'? Is business not supposed to be the adjective of busy?

Why do 'slippers' have studs? and again if houseflies fly in the house, then cockroaches are not doing their jobs. Imagine waking up as a man to see those little ugly creatures feasting on your machine gun kelly. Fun sight right? Or maybe not, especially if they're licking it.

I know that at this point you might be thinking that I need therapy, but if there's anything that really needs therapy in this country, then it's our phones. Have you ever imagined what they would talk about if our phones could gossip about us to their fellow phones? Imagine a WhatsApp chat like this:

Nkechi's Phone: what's been going on with you guys?

Peter's Phone: we just left the toilet and this guy almost killed me with the smell of his faeces. I don't even know what he ate.

John's Phone: 😂😂 your own na faeces, my own is his shoe that smells like dead rat whenever he removes his elephantiasis legs. I almost died this evening.

Nkem's Phone: shhhh.. You people should keep quiet, my madam is conjuring up a native soup through YouTube. I pity the boyfriend because he's about to die of diarrhea.

Amaka's Phone: 😂😂 mine just saved his new catch as John Trailer-Nose 😂 men have truly suffered for this her padded fake breast and yansh.

Nkechi's Phone: 😂😂😂You guys' own is even better. My madam is leaving her boyfriend's house to go spend the night with her husband. She's leaving branch office back to the headquarters.

Nkem's Phone: she should introduce the branch manager to the CEO, maybe he might get a payrise or a promotion.

And it goes on and on. Wouldn't that be so much fun to behold considering that they hold so much of our secrets including our browser history.

That's how I decided to try out meditation in a bid to overcome this trauma. On the morning I was supposed to resume the exercise, I started having a very bad cough but still decided to go.

After the exercise had started, the cough started manifesting itself and that was when the leader nodded at me, directing me to a post on the wall which stated that I would be charged a fee for every noise I make during the exercise.

I wasn't moved at all, and started coughing sporadically because I knew that I went there with enough coffee. So no issues at all with payment.

Welcome to my blog, you can relax and be rest assured of quality content on diverse topics. You're free to air your views and opinions in the comments section, and It'll be my pleasure to learn and engage