I lost control again and I need to heal
All my life I have been disappointed by the people I looked up to. And every time it happens, I feel heartbroken as though I was in a love relationship with them. Sometimes they have no idea I exist, other times they do, but do not know they are my role model. I try to become better than they are or do the things they do as well or as excellent as they did. But somewhere along the line, something happens, that takes the scales off my eyes.
I have learned to shut my emotions out, move away completely from these people and detach too. It has been working. Although it felt as though I was afraid of facing something so I keep running away from them. And just as we can't run from our shadows, they always find a way to return and hunt me.
But, it did not always matter because once I find out the truth about them, I usually have this hatred that doesn't care if they return or not and this hate is the only emotion that helped me to stay away from them and keep my distance.
Source
I am only ranting about this because recently, I have been heartbroken again. This one hurts like hell. It hurts more than the compounded ones that happened in the past. I was almost moving into depression as a result because I can't seem to understand why I place so much importance on people forgetting that they are humans and always end up getting disappointed. Is this the expectations part of my life always hurting me and I seem not to learn regardless?
I decided to research what I can do with this last part because it's affecting my productivity and my mental space. One of the steps that stood out was to find a new role model. I did not know when I chuckled in mockery. How I'm I supposed to find new models when all the models I had in the past have done nothing but leave me shattered, weaken, and questioning my very existence and my intuition to admire someone?
I thought whoever wrote that last line might not have gone through what I have passed through all of my life because right now, I have decided this rug pull is too much for me to bear, I can't stand it anymore, and all I want to do is shut everyone out and just focus on me. I don't know if what I should do is turn inward and make myself my role model instead of searching for them in other people's faces.
Maybe, if I do that I will come to terms with the fact that no one is perfect, and as long as we are humans, our imperfections will always find a way to reel its head out and bring us back to reality.
This is the part where I feel I need a therapist because I have lost control again, and like Alan Walker said, I am always doing the same thing and I have myself to blame and I need to heal. But he also asked, what is love without pain? And he is right, if we don't love someone it will be impossible to feel pain, and pain is a part of love.
Well since the thought of a therapist has crossed your mind, maybe you should really consider it. I believe you also have to come to terms with the fact that we are all human and putting a person on a certain level will just crush you. Just as you know yourself and the fault and struggles you have, so does this person. They are also out there trying to lookout for themselves.
You should forgive yourself, for putting so much hope in another like you should put in yourself. No one owes you anything and so they will not act the way you want them to. They will act the way they want to and you will have to accept it and move on.
Anyway, I hope you heal and learn🫶🏽
I know right? I forgive myself for asking too much of my fellow imperfect humans. I should have been more lenient with my expectations.
I'll try to do better and to always remember that we are not perfect and no one owes me anything
Thank you very much @smariam.
It’s a pleasure
Role models are needed when we need guide or inspiration. A negative side of it is, it often make our visions blurry and we loss opportunities cause of it. If role models are followed with too much attached it can lead to heart break.
I will not recommend you any medicines but you can try sessions. You don't even need to go to special someone, just phone a friend who is a good listen. It usually helps in your case.
I think this is the most realistic advice I can give. Also, if you can arrange then attend any gathering like food outing or festival. It will help you feel better.
I hope it helps. Cause the blog didn't talked about anything specific so the advice is generalized. If you need a specific advice, I am not all knowing put I can listen to your crap bucket if it will help you feel better.
Thank you so much @dlmmqb.
You are right. My heartbreak came as a result of my attachment to them.
I have a friend in mind. I'll speak with her. I am sure I'll feel better. Thank you.
Outings. That Will be on my do-list. I'll probably do it during the weekend. So I can let go and enjoy the moment.
I couldn't specify because there are lot of them and I am close to losing faith in humanity 🥺
My crap buckets... I do have a lot of them .... Brace yourself 😅
Thank you so much for your time, DLMMQB. I am grateful 🙏🏿
If you loose faith in humanity, I will come out of screen. Get yourself together and don't think too much. Sometimes thinking is also the cause of problem.
Throw them at me if that makes you feel better.
Thanks for listening to a random strangers advice on internet. :)
This is such an ugly experience. It actually makes one incapable of trusting people completely. I think we all need someone to inspire us, someone to look up to. But it requires time to actually know who a person is. So I suggest in your next role model hunt, you give the new model time once identified. The more you interact, the more you discover their real personality and how much to trust.
Surely, this sounds like a good plan
But how long will it take before I finally get to know the full nature of someone?
Basically, No fixed time or period. The idea is the more you go, the more you trust. Just like here on hive, someone that just signed up will not expect immediate big votes. Time is needed for this new user to show that he is committed to this place and eventually, he gains the bigger trust of friends here.
So give it time, and let people earn your trust and admiration. Though nothing is guaranteed, it helps a lot
https://leofinance.io/threads/@fokusnow/re-fokusnow-29gsdyuke
https://leofinance.io/threads/@nonsowrites/re-nonsowrites-2hgr29enb
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Well, I don't know how old are you babe. Perhaps in your last twenties. But in any case, in my opinion, turn inward and make yourself your own role model from now on would be the best choice you can take in all the years you have to come.
After all, you'll have no choice but to carry yourself in your own shoulders wherever you want to go. And yet, I would dare to bet that you will always feel lighter that burden. While turning outward in an attempt to make others your role model, they're not gonna be anything other than a dead weight and an extra load which you innecessarily would throw on your shoulders and that only could prevent you from getting sooner to where you want to go.
So yeah, shut everyone out and just focus on you. At least for a good while. That there will always be a chance to stumble again with that sort of bales later and be tempted to make new mistakes lifting dead weights. But perhaps, by that time, you will have developed stronger muscles and way more stamina and resistance to endure the extra load. :)
What is perfection without previously confronting it against a good dose of reality?
These are tough situations indeed! It’s hard when you’re betrayed but trying to figure out what to do from some of these online things makes it harder. They make it seem so easy lol