Regretful and remorseful - MY DECISION

Yes, I took the decision. I decided to do it, I wanted to know what it would feel like. But, was that the right decision?
Was I being sentimental?
Was I being logical?
Was I being realistic or living in my own fantasy?
Was my decision same with every sane human or was i just being blinded by my emotions?

I so much believe that letting the past remain in the past is the best way of living.
But, how come I cannot just let this past remain in the past.

Or is it that I don't want to let this particular past remain in the past or is there anything so spectacular about this past that it just doesn't want to remain in the past.

And yes, I took the decision.
I decided to give it a chance again.
I decided to see to the end of it.
I decided to forget everything and pursue happiness.
I decided to free myself from the chain of "had I known."
Yes it was my decision, I personally took it myself no one forced me to.
Mmhh...

But, why do I keep remembering the past like it's still fresh, as if it's still going on now?
Why do I keep remembering what happened between us, even though I really don't want to?

And the worst part of it all...

How come the tears didn't stop flowing?
How come I haven't stopped bleeding?
How come I wouldn't stop over thinking?

When would I stop reading meaning into every single thing?
How come I don't want to let go of this past? Why do I keep holding back?

Every little conversation brings back the memories and pains that goes with it.

Every little joke seems so deep.
I thought that coming back would really make me happy.
But, it seems as if the happiness has some limitations

How come I still keep thinking it would happen again? how come I suddenly develop insecurities?
Why the sudden fear?
Why am I not giving it my all as I planned?
And I ask again, why do I keep holding back?

_{Image from pixabay}

He really goes out of his way to make me happy.
He really does everything I ask him to.
Well... I guess that's the price he has to pay for destroying it initially.
But...
I think he is trying to make it work.
I think he really puts in a lot of effort.
I think he really wants it to work.
But I am ruining it.
I am ruining it with so many fears.

Fear of heart break.
Fear of pain
Fear of repetition to mention but a few.

So many things are really going on in my mind.
Wow!
Is this the price I have to pay?
Is this what it costs to take your decision throwing all cautions into thin air?
Is this what it costs to pursue happiness over everything else?
Is this what it costs to go back?
Infact was going back ever the right idea?

I took the decision to get the answers to my questions. How come it seems like the decision ended up arousing more questions?