This is the worst photo of me that I've ever seen, and it is also the most beautiful.
I had gone into labor three days earlier, spending the first day and a half at home. My contractions were about 30 minutes apart, making it very challenging to rest. My sweet husband Steve did not understand that it was not time yet, he couldn't possibly.

I'm down on all fours moaning in agony, and every so often he asks, "Are you ready honey?" The bags are packed, he's ready to do his job and support me at the hospital.

My body isn't ready though. How do you explain that to a man who's never held a newborn or witnessed pregnancy? There was a lot of fear and uncertainty for him, and fairly so.

He was there with me when a doctor told me that I was only capable of having a surgical birth. This doctor did not tell me this because it is the popular opinion about people with "my history" in his field, it was based on policy. Hospitals in the US are fine-tuned businesses.

$ $ $
I had to search for a supportive doctor. Then it came to labor, and I realized the hardest part of the fight was only getting started. I heard this doctor over and over in my head, telling me that because I lost my first child after birth, my body wasn't capable. It would happen again. I found a new doctor, but the doubt remained. My resolve eventually became a minute-to-minute choice.

I went to the hospital in the last 24 hours, according to the monitor I was having a contraction every 1-3 minutes for over 18 hours! It was brutally intense, and then I finally dilated! If only this was the victory it felt like, my body stalled again while pushing. As you can see in the photo above, my soul has left my body. I was 150% tapped out by the time I gave birth to my son.

I don't even know where the baby is to be honest, my body has gone numb from pain in this photo. I want to ask someone to help me nurse him, but I couldn't talk for a few more minutes. Yet I have a deep thought almost right away, "Thank goodness I was in a empowering birth space!"

YEAH, this was what I wanted.
I'm nine months pregnant here 😍
If you were to ask for me for some of the most beautiful photos of myself, I would pick these. They are honest, they show who I am, the love in my life. Even if my eyes aren't fully open in either! In the photo above my husband had said, "Honey pose in the pavilion, it's perfect!" while we walked along.

To me, successfully fighting for a birth that didn't involve an unnecessary surgery was one of my most gorgeous moments in life. When I heard my son scream, and knew that I did it... I heard my old doctor's voice again, except this time I could answer in my head.

"You don't know anything about what I am capable of."
After this experience, I can say that I would never ever want to be a labor and delivery nurse in the average US hospital. I couldn't participate in the way women are treated. I talk a lot about the corruption in the birth industry in this post, as well as my experience pursuing a vaginal birth after c-section, if you'd like to know more! I didn't mean to answer both questions, but if the shoe fits. 🤷‍♀

The question I meant to address for this week's Ladies of Hive prompt is:

Why do you think society places such a high value on beauty when it serves no functional purpose?

I think it's obvious that this is meant as physical beauty, not the kind of beauty I was talking about above. Let's face it, I probably can't sell you anything with either of those photos, but I could probably grab some dollars with this:

^{Photo by innamykytas}
She's super pretty, and I bet many people would gravitate to this photo over the others. Why? Well, we have been trained to covet unobtainable beauty standards because it is profitable in my opinion.

This woman is probably a certifiable babe even without make-up. Yet, even all done up, they still air brushed her! No one looks this good, not even her. So why do so many of us try to appear this way? I believe because: we were told to.

You can never spend enough money to have the look, and even if you do somehow... the look would change. It's hard to be taken seriously or gain professional renown, but in our youth some of us think we can obtain a different accolade. To be a doll, the kind of woman that makes men freeze in their tracks! Little did I know, with modern internet connections, this too would fade in the future.

I don't even know what young women are trying to be now-a-days, because the look has become a whole 2-hour routine. I CAN'T. This idea that this fleeting thing is the end all be all. The truth is, you totally can stop people in their tracks with a number of things. They just don't often make money for a 3rd party. Prioritizing youthful physical beauty will always falter in the end.



That's the direct answer to the question from my point of view. I believe that empowered people are the enemy of corporations. You can't sell me anything to make me feel powerful or free, when I've found those sources in myself. Self-love kills unhealthy beauty standards, it stops me from thinking I need to be anything but myself.

I am my freckles and my chubby thighs. The gap in my front teeth that I hated when I was a teen. I'm the woman in the first picture, who has just made my husband a father. Who knows I have just pulled off the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and it was bloody. It was real.