Today there was a murder committed in my home. More on that later. Let's talk about the sort of potty mouth behavior this inspired in me. There be bad words ahead, seadogs.

To swear or not to swear? Just do your thing, I don't gorram care— Grindan


In Joss Weadon's Firefly, he decided to take on a colorful approach to swearing. Most of it was spoken in Mandarin; but he also decided to implement some old timey expletives like the one I used above. I felt it made every actual cussword that much more powerful.

Although gorram dates back to sometime in the 1800's, most thought that it was coined for the show. Maybe due to how well the cast owned this upcycled version of 'God damn'.

I'm into that.


Sure, it's mostly because I have tiny ears perked up around me 90% of the time. The last thing I need is for my kids to take on the less wholesome version of my vocabulary.

Much like this tiny frog (toad? heck do I know), they will grow up all too soon and find their own rocks to stand on. And much like with this little guy, things will not always be handled well. Yeah, he jumped right out of my hand, leaving me to frantically look for him along the river's edge. THANK GOODESS! This is not the murder I am here to report today.

The cheeky bugger kept it stepping, much like my kids will if they hear me say 'shit'. Yeah, if you know me personally, you know I swear a fair deal. My inner sailor comes out when I'm relaxed.

Replacement words? I do that to.


Does anyone remember those orbit gum commercials? Those seriously slapped.

"Cootie queen!"

"What did you call me, you lint licker?!"

Yeahhhhh, that's my jam just as much as "cuntasaurus-rex", or some of my fancier cuss combos are. Situationally, both are straight art to me. I pride myself on unhindered expression, and although I'm usually saying things I shouldn't in a fairly acceptable way... sometimes you have to shake it up.



"Did you just say motherfucker in front of my 1000 babies?!" Momma toad/ frog glares at me.

Yeah, oops. My daughter is down river and misses this whole exchange, but many newly un-tadpoled youngsters hear the magic phrase for the first time. Do you think they said it in amphibian for the rest of the week? Heh.

The words I choose when I'm agitated go through a quick vibe check. Sometimes it's too quick. This leaves me saying things like "Golly!", when I should tell someone to piss up a ladder. Other times my mouth spits out some caustic nonsense that I wish I had a log of. Anger can be so inspiring!

Then there are the classics


If you are a parent, you know this situation all too well. You decide to take some quiet time within ear's range of tiny tyrants. Suddenly, you realize it is too quiet.

I'm not the most athletic person in the world, but I'm Usain Bolt when I hear certain sounds— or lack thereof. Silence. The worst sound in the world when you're home alone with two children. It is safe to immediately assume the mop bucket is coming out, and that'll be all if you're lucky.

MURDER! THEY KILLED MY BOY!


"Oh, for fuck's sake!" I mutter before the vibe check really ran its course. My eyes are met with way more fluff than could possibly have ever been in this stuffed red panda in the first place.

Woe, I tell you! Suffering! These kids are ripping the guts out of our stripped-tailed pal faster than you can say "gob smacked'. It's dead marble eyes show no reaction, but I know. Oh, my friend...

Somehow, having sworn is now the least of my worries. I'll be cleaning this up for an hour! So, I do what any properly insane person would do; I shrug and let it happen. This ship has sailed, and at least they are occupied. If you're judging me for any of that, I'll assume you don't have children.

It is what it is. It does what it does.— some pothead, probably


Although I do a great job at representing tranquility and level-headedness around my kids in most situations, I am just human. I don't believe in tone policing at the sake of being genuine.

At the end of the day, there are far more harmful things than cuss words. Anyone born before the good ole 90's ended knows what I'm talking about. So, I'll usually go for a mundane "heck" or "geez". Sometimes I say spicier things when only my clan is around, however.

I think swearing is situational, but being yourself isn't. Stay saucy!


All photos in this post are my own. Froggy pals captured with a Canon EOS Rebel T100.