Life Update, Gratitude, and Cats

Photo credit: photo of Louie and Nia taken by the author

I thought I would write an update about my life in the unlikely event that anyone is interested. After two weeks in the hospital, they released my father, who is 84, having drained 3L of fluid from his lungs. He says he feels pretty good, and he is quite physically active and able to do things for himself, but, according to the doctors, there are a lot of serious problems.

My Father’s Health Issues

The most serious of his health issues is that he has two blocked arteries and leaky valves. This means he needs open heart surgery. However, the cardiologist said that, because of his age, they probably won’t do open heart surgery.

This makes me very sad. What can he do without the surgery? Realistically, there is no recovery without surgery. Even surgery is a long shot. I find it very hard to accept that my father is so ill.

My Adult Daughter

Meanwhile, my adult daughter (who is in her early 30’s) informed me that she decided not to come home for Christmas. This is surprising because she already had purchased her airline ticket. She has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Additionally, she is developing agoraphobia. I gently tried to encourage her to come because, besides everything else, my father is technically very ill, but he feels good, so this is a good opportunity to come spend time with him.

She got extremely irate with me. She often gets angry with me and says things to me that no mother should have to hear.

Normally, I struggle to keep my posts below 2000 words, but this one is a struggle to write because it is just all painful. So, I suppose a good counterbalance would be to discuss what is good in my life.

The Positive Things?

Well, I am still struggling to get myself to the swimming pool as often as I would like because winter sort of sucks out my will to live, but I did manage to go twice last week, so that was a win. Also, my partner, my fiancé has been incredibly supportive through my depression and my father’s illness and everything, so that is amazing and a blessing. I often wonder how he puts up with me on days like today when I cannot drag myself out of bed. I drag my laptop into bed to write, but I can’t get me out of bed. Yay, technology.

What are the other positive things in my life? I read somewhere that fostering gratitude is not just a religious thing. What I mean is that there is scientific evidence to show that when we state or write down what we feel grateful for, it creates a physical change in us. It has measurable positive results. So, it is worth doing the exercise of writing down three things you feel grateful for each day, even when you feel like you are really scraping the bottom of the gratitude barrel.

Talking About Cats

I am extremely grateful for Louie and Nia, my two little elderly cats. Louie is a ragdoll who is turning 15 in February, and he is convinced he is still a baby. We got him just before he turned 11. His first human mommy, sadly, passed away from kidney disease. She was a friend of a friend. My friend was trying to rehome Louie, but he was hard to home because he was behaving poorly and he was elderly. We didn’t mind either, so it worked out.

Nia is my tuxedo kitty. I got her when she was a kitten. She is 11. When I went to Thailand in 2013, I was supposed to go for at least a year. My mother’s cat had just passed away, so we decided that Nia should live with Mom. They got along very well. My trip to Thailand got cut short (to one month), but Nia loved Mom and vice versa, so I didn’t want to mess with that. However, sadly, in 2019, Mom passed away.

I didn’t know whether Louie and Nia could get along because, if you know anything about cats, they often don’t really take to one another. Some people don’t understand that. However, imagine your cat brought a random human home. “Harlow, this is Fred. Fred is nice. You will get along with Fred. He will share your home, toilet, food, etc.” I would be mad also. And then imagine your cat thought you were being unreasonable. “Harlow, how dare you hiss at Fred? Fred is a nice kitty. Bad Harlow!”

I introduced Louie and Nia with great caution. I kept Nia in the bathroom (with food and water and a litter box and lots of attention) for the first few days until they got used to each other’s scents and were so curious to meet that they decided not to murder one another. Did they get along? No. Did they get along well enough that we could make it work? Yes.

Now, several years later, they have a strange relationship. When one of them has to go to the vet or, for any other reason is inaccessible to the other, the other one gets very upset. However, they still have frequent battles. The fights are tepid and short-lived. For example, at meal times, Nia feels a need to bat Louie in the head with her paw. We think it is some sort of strange dominance display, but it does not seem to bother either of them very much nor does it appear painful. I think it might just be habit at this point. “Meal time. I need to slap you in the head! For luck!!!”

I got carried away talking about my cats. However, I am very grateful for them. They are a distraction from my sadness, but also they bring me joy. Additionally, oddly, when my fiancé and I argue, Nia does couples counselling. She goes to him and licks his hand until he pets her. Then she comes to me and does the same thing. She keeps doing that until our hands are closer together. It took me a while to notice that she does this any time he and I argue. Ha ha. I have heard of emotional support cats, but never couples counselling cats.

Conclusion

So, that’s the update about how things are with me. I feel bad, and that is the worst of it. I find it hard to get out of bed, which is depression. I find it hard to exercise, which is the best remedy for depression.

My fiancé has been very supportive, encouraging me to exercise and focus on the positive. However, it is still a struggle. I always thought that if I found a decent partner, everything would be okay, but life isn’t like that. Depression is not receptive to dreams, unfortunately.

I am extremely concerned about my father. I really hope the cardiologists decide to do the open heart surgery. It might kill him to have it, but I think it will kill his spirit if they tell him they won’t attempt it, and, in any case, his heart won’t fix itself. He is surprisingly strong for 84, and he might survive the surgery. I feel like he won’t emotionally survive not having it, and I am not sure I can emotionally survive his being depressed, which is a weird thing to say, but still true.

I need to focus on myself. This week, my goal will be to go to the swimming pool at least twice, possibly three times. It is made more difficult because the cold has descended here. It is -19 degrees Celsius today, which is -2.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Note the negative sign in front of the number there. It is cold.

Many people don’t mind the cold, but I mind it. For one thing, it triggers my asthma. For another, it is inconvenient because when I go swimming, I have to make sure my hair is 100% dry or it freezes into icicles when I go out. I have to stop thinking about it or I really just won’t go out. What were the things I am grateful for again?