Bad good ideas
I am not actually going to do these things. If I were, I wouldn't tell anyone, but since I'm not, I'll put them here.
The first thing I'm not going to do is probably illegal. I'd love to make up signs that say something like "Persuant to Fed. FWS 1973 Section 9, do not cut, disturb, or remove plant growth from this area." because I'm just so tired of everything green being cut to bare dirt in Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure it's the Business Improvement District willy-nilly having landscapers remove everything that hasn't been explicitly planted, but they don't plant enough intentionally, so it just has the effect of removing all green things and it makes me sad. There's an explosion of growth after every rain, and one week later things are lush and verdant in the morning and cut down to bare dirt in the afternoon.
The second thing I couldn't do because I have trouble with lying. But I think it'd be fun and harmless to pretend to be an expert at parties, "Oh, I'm a bit of an amateur botanist. you know, just as a hobby. That? Oh I'm afraid I don't know the latin name, but the common name is Bee's Bush. And that one is John's Sweet Undergreen. bit of a misnomer. It's not sweet. It's not even edible." "Oh yeah, I'd call myself a car guy. Love a few rumbles under the hood. Oh, I'm a big fan of the smaller companies. There's a small auto manufacturer in Toronto. Just makes a hundred vehicles a year. Gary is the name. Not to be confused with Gary Autos in Ontario. No relation, even."
Yeah I was involved in the coffee mug industry for fifteen years before I walked. For eight years I alone worked to perfect the left handed units. Department got shut down due to budget cuts. That's why you only see left handed people drinking coffee on the streets, out of paper. I stood up for these people and got shut down and pissed on! And now look at them out there in the cold like that. The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, my ass! They're not thinking of everyone when they say that. So now I'm working in cotton. Organic socks. Things like that.
Boy howdy, real coffee mug industry expert here! Tell me, I've always wanted to know, do they add the handles at the end or do they make them like that from the get go?
It starts with the handle. Then you dip it in care.
I knew mugs were special! See, honey, I told you they were dipped in care, didn't I? Didn't I say that just last week, "these mugs are dipped in care", ok well maybe I didn't use exactly those words, but that's what I meant. Why do you have to disagree with me in public all the time!? No, no. You're right. No. I'll go wait in the car, they're more your friends than mine anyways. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was a dumb thing to say. I...yes. I. I'm sorry.
sigh
Men these days...
Now that he's gone, would you like to try our new line? There's some wine over here I've been drinking ever since I quit and in case you didn't know, wine actually tastes better in a mug. They pour it in those fancy glasses just to keep people coming back for more because it's always missing something and that something is this fancy handle here you see? It keeps your body away from all things favorable until just the right moment and then it hits you. You taste that? That's what care tastes like.