Hard to express emotion

Humans have emotions and that's the truth. Some humans try to deny it by saying that they don't have emotion which is not right. Actually, they have emotions but they are used to dominating their emotions, and that gives them a feeling like there is no emotion left in their heart. But sometimes some situations arise in life that a robotic type of person can also understand that they also have emotions. I am also one of the robotic type humans( not fully 😅) but I always accept that I have emotions and I can feel it in some specific case.

made by me using canva

In my case, I always try to make logical decisions and in most cases, I take calculated and logical decisions most of the time which gives me a good output. When making decisions I try to keep my emotions aside from it and most of the time I get success. From childhood I was always serious in case of study. Although my memorising power is not so good, I always get the best result because of my continuous and hard work and I was the topper in each class. So in academic cases, I was always successful and currently, I am reading at a top university in my country. So I don't have any regrets when it's about academics.

The concept of life was very simple in my eyes and I used to think everything would happen in my life according to my plan. It's life and it is not a video game where everything will happen according to plan and uncertainty is the part of life. Uncertainty is the thing which I always try to deny but it's not possible to deny. The pandemic situation is the most uncertain thing in my life which almost changed everything in my life.

Before the time of the pandemic, I was planning to go abroad for my study purposes but because of the pandemic situation, my father needed to return from abroad to the country, and naturally in that time the financial crisis was natural and everyone faced it. Almost at the time of the situation, our department started to run and we continued our study. Unfortunately, we lost more than 1 year because of the pandemic and after that, some internal political problems occurred among teachers, and because of their lazy motive that time extended to approximately 3 years. So till now, I am losing 3 years which means it's approximately 7 years, and I am unable to complete my graduation. So, without graduation, I can't expect a job from any company.

My father came home earlier and because of that financial crisis started to strike hard. Naturally, I tried to take responsibility from my place although my father never wanted me to take the responsibility too early but I also could not stay idle watching the situation. I was earning by doing tuition and the earning was moderate enough to bear the expenses of my family. Currently, I am the person in my family and my family needs a continuous earning source. So now I can't think about going abroad for my studies because if I go abroad to study, my earning source will be stopped and my family will face a huge financial blow in that case. So it's impossible for me to go abroad for my bright future and make my family suffer for it. I can't do this actually because if I do that my sibling's future will be at risk. How can I go abroad risking my family and my sibling's future?

My father is a person who worked hard for more than 24 years abroad for a better future of mine. He never hesitated to spend money for my education. Many relatives told my father that he was wasting money for my education. But my father always supported me and said not to think too much about others and just stay focused on my studies. Till now I was able to get success in academic cases and it was the best revenge for those who demotivated my father to continue my study. I know many people currently show me as an example of studying hard and I think it's my father's success. In several situations, I was broken but my father was the one who gave me the courage to move forward. His words were very inspiring for me and his one call was enough to motivate me.

He knew about the plan for my studies abroad and that was the reason he was finding a job earlier and trying to reduce the responsibility that I had taken otherwise his earned money would have been enough to pass his remaining life. He was giving service for the family for more than 24 years. Recently he found a job as a security guard of an ATM in a nearby place of flat. I insisted him not to do the job. It's not because I think it's a low-class job, it's because I don't want him to work at his current age. But he didn't listen to me saying that it's an easy thing but I know it very well that he is doing it because he doesn't want me to take all the financial pressure alone.

He is my best friend and I shared almost everything with him. He also understands me better than anyone. Instead, I don't know why I never thanked him. I never said to him " I love you, Papa. Thank you for everything". It's not that I never tried to say but I can't say it because something restricts me from saying it. Maybe I am not good in case of sharing my emotions. I hope someday I will be able to say it to my father ( maybe).