This is what healing looks like under trees. Here is a closer look.
Once bare trees were now clothed with a fresh set of greens. Below the luscious branches is a blanket of dried leaves. With each step, I hear the crunch of twigs and the breaking of brown leaves. It’s another season of beginnings and endings.
I mourn my soul’s shedding as I tearfully got sucked into a dark part of my childhood. Last Thursday, another trauma processing went by and this weekend, I recuperated in the safety of my apartment. Thankfully, I was no longer feeling lonely. There were things I looked forward to last week, like meeting my best friends and hosting an online event at Hive PH’s discord.
But it was also terrifying. There were moments when I named what I was feeling, something close to death, coming from knowing the lovelessness in my childhood, and it just made sense to disappear. To end my life right there.
Of course, this calls for professional attention and I scheduled another therapy session at HealSpace Psychological Clinic. At some point, I told myself if I only had the money, I would go on a long vacation trip and fulfill all my inner child's needs.
Do you know why? She just wanted to play with some dolls, just a few Barbie dolls, because she didn’t have any. And what happened to her next was unforgivable.
So, now that I’m an adult, let’s give her dolls! Healing could look selfish. It could even look materialistic, but I missed the chance to learn how to own something.
It just clicked in my mind that spending money might not be the wisest decision, but it’s an experience I missed. It made sense that it isn’t hard to hear a child’s wish. Or listen to her needs. Or ask how she is feeling. It isn’t hard to be kind to a child.
This does not mean I’m purchasing things out of proportion – my inner child knows too well how to budget haha. It’s allowing her to want something and work to get it.
But what if I can get it instantly?
It might be just my magical thinking, but they could pay me handsomely if I’m not getting any accountability from my perpetrators. I don’t care if it won’t make sense to them. I don’t care if it seems out of the blue. The point is, I don’t want to care about what they think.
However, as I decide about this, I rest under the shade of these trees. Then I draw whatever I want. Sometimes, I also have a book to read, helping me escape for a while.
Inner Child Wishes
Here’s a list of things I want to buy based on what my inner child wants:
- Beanie (because I look cute and the feeling of head being covered feels nice)
- Board and card games (because apparently I really like these games)
- Cozy video games (I want a Steam account and just play wholesome games)
- Roller skates (I always wanted to learn and secretly I know I will be good at it)
- Big stuffed toy (I had a dog one but it got lost huhu)
- Journaling stickers and papers (It will encourage me to journal with my inner child in mind)
Looking at the list now, it isn’t even that expensive, but I’m so weary of spending money because I live independently.
And the long vacation trip sounds like I just want an option to express my anger in a different place. Not here in my hometown. A city where nobody knows who I am. Discovering a kind of culture I can immerse myself in.
For now, this is what healing looks like for me. What's yours?
Thank you for reading 💜
Special shoutout to @wesphilbin and @wittyzell for commenting on this post and encouraging me to write in ThoughtfulDailyPost community.
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Hey, did you know that every day, we get closer to our death? hahaha.
Kidding aside, for me, it is okay to be selfish if it really brightens your day. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first. Get that beanie, eat that chocolate, and loosen up.
Thanks, Ish, for hosting HivePH's Friday night! !PIZZA
You dont know how much this means to me huhuhu uwu 😂 Thank youuu jiji!
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Sending you hugs with consent, Ish. Let me be weird for a bit and ask... wala bang langgam dun sa inupuan mo? 🤡 Can't help but ask jusq pu
Cutie ng inner child wishes mo. I have nearly the same stuff on my list! What types of stickers do you like?
Meron pero we're friends HAHAHAHA.
Board/card games, cozy video games, and journaling stickers are on my list,too!
I wonder what cozy video games do you play aside from Sims? Hahahaha
Mine's trying something new or going to places I haven't been to ☺️
That's the thing.... Idk yet HAHAHA. Gusto ko pa lang yung idea na may ibang cozy game na I would have liked as a kid 😊
huleee!. sims player din talaga si ish. HAHAHAHAHA
I will be quite honest. Reading posts, such as yours... is healing to me. What you are talking about, is called "therapy shopping" to many. But I do understand your reasoning. Money is tight for everyone... especially if you are the only one making it... yes? Let me just tell you... I am glad you have decided to keep using the TDP TAG or even Community. Your energy certainly fits right in... dare I say, you could call it a second (third?) home if you wish?
As is my nature... I have sent some curation love, from the various places I flock to. Not always... but sometimes I call out to those kindred spirits I think understand another's energy. @snook would tell you to smile! Or maybe throw a fidget spinner! @dreemsteem would tell you to take #fivebreaths. Dear @freecompliments would do, well... just that. Give you a compliment, as well as a shoulder to lean on. You see... we are all communities really. Anyway... I hope that you are having a good day today. Let us know what you did (or didn't?) purchase aye?
Love and light, my friend...
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You're too kind 😭 These communities sound very healing and I'm thankful I have these platforms now to share my experience. Love and light to you as well 🤗
We appreciate you taking the time, to either use #ThoughtfulDailyPost, or otherwise help this Community grow. So...
Ahh~ it feels so nice to be able to just rest and feel the breeze and be yourself under these calming trees. I have a similar place like that near where I live before moving to Tokyo (yep, still in Japan). It’s not under the trees though but near the river. 😉
I haven’t found a place to go to when I need healing here in Tokyo, but maybe I’ll find one someday for sure. ☺️
Cutie wishes! You can achieve those actually. It’s not that hard. What kind of beanie do you want ba?
And I guess we’re the same re board/card games. I have a few but I realized it should be played with multiple people. And sometimes, I don’t have anyone to play with me. Not that I don’t have friends, it’s just that when we meet, we don’t meet for board/card games. 😁
Whenever I get sad or lonely, I usually eat chips to comfort me but now, it’s bad for my health and my diet doesn’t allow me to so I need to look for alternatives. Healing is hard but luckily I don’t often get sad or lonely. If I do, I would try to walk to the park, dine in alone at the diner near the park and express myself in writing thus, my blog. 😉
Ohhh saan pong river? 😊
Not too think and not too thick din po hahaha one that hugs my head well, maybe brown or beige yung color 😍
It's in Yogodawa in Osaka. Before moving to Tokyo, I lived there for almost 3 years.
You will reach that point for sure! sending virtual hugs
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You will have to first understand I just woke up, so I might not make sense, but I mean well.
Steam accounts are free to make, and I might have a game I can send you. I will have to look... That is the cool thing about Steam. You can send games to friends. I need your username so I can send something I think you might like.
Also, Have you ever thought of making your own Paper dolls? When I was a kid, you would get a piece of cardboard-ish paper with a cute doll printed on it. And another sheet of clothes with tabs. Then you can use those clothes as a pattern to make your own set for your doll.
I might not be explaining that very clearly, so Google Paper Dolls and all kinds of ideas come up.
There is nothing wrong with wanting things for yourself. When I grew up, cartoons were only shown on TV on Saturday Mornings. I had to go to a class every Saturday so I never got to sit like other kids and watch them. When I got older and moved out, I would get up early on a Saturday to watch The Smurfs. :D
You ARE loved and NEEDED in this world. Never forget that!
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OOOHH I didn't know Steam is free haha I just assumed that I couldn't get into it cause it's paid. Some games are, I believe. I'll create an account then send my username here 😊
I made paper dolls when I was young too! But I haven't tried making them again now that I'm older.
Your comment made me think of listing down the things I liked to do before that I can do now 😍
Perfect. Let me look through my games for something you might like :D
Oh and The Sims 4 base game is Free to play for everyone!! you do not even need Steam for that.
Here is the link :D https://www.ea.com/games/the-sims/the-sims-4
Hi Ish! I joined your webinar not knowing if I could openly discuss my inner thoughts and feelings. I'm glad I did. Your voice is just so calming. Your words even more.
I am starting a journal right now. I haven't tried it before but I saw some of yours on your first kumustahan session with Hive PH. I got inspired.
I haven't given much thought of what my inner child wishes. I guess this one I'll have to ponder on and write on my journal.
Yeeeyy! I could post more journaling prompts para sa inyo 😊
Thanks for joining the webinar 💞
This post is amazing, thank you so much for the great read!
Reading this felt like seeing a piece of my heart on the screen... I deeply related to so much of this. Ironically, I am in my thirties now, and I buy dolls and play with them on the floor with my daughter in present times... but in my 20's I would have felt like I was reading my diary if I saw this post!
I left my hometown and traveled the US with very little money. Honestly, I was not overly smart about it. I put myself in dangerous situations at times, but thankfully nothing too bad happened. Mostly taking shady odd jobs to earn money for food, it took me awhile to navigate safe gig work— there weren't any phone app jobs back then. 😂
Outside of these hurdles, I had a great time. It's true that you follow yourself everywhere you go... yet, I suppose crying on a beach is better than doing it in Ohio (where I'm from). I gained a new frame of reference and proved some things to myself... and at some point, I realized how bold I was. I ended up getting involved in activist work for a long while, and that led to a whole other sort of healing that isn't relevant here...
That time was valuable to me, and so was the time I took after that. I thought I had 'fully healed' because I felt better, but so much of my trauma came up when I became a mother in my late 20's. Selfishness can be survival, I learned the value of being selfish in this time. To accept only what I wanted in my life, and aggressively deny anything else. I reclaimed so much of myself because I fiercely needed to be a better mother than the one I had. When I thought of my energy as a resource that my child needed, I suddenly respected myself more than I ever had. 🤣
I buy her the playdoh I didn't have, and read her the same book 1000 times... even though we have 50 books, she only wants that one... and so I read it again. I turn my living room into a giant fort, and watch my 4-year-old chase my 1-year-old under layers of blankets... and I am just as excited as my daughter when we sit in front of the dollhouse and play. I guess I'm having my childhood in my 30's, which is out of order... but better late than never!
When life hands us things out of order, I think it's fine to make our own rules. Anyhow, I don't mean any of that as advice... except maybe the blanket fort... I just wanted to express all the things you made me think of as I read this. How the little girl in me sees the little girl in you. You are brave and wonderful and brilliant! I hope you keep writing, and always take time to be kind to yourself. You deserve all the stickers and boardgames 💚
Your comment made me emotional 😭 Thank you so much for your truly kind words. I don't even know what to say. It's like reading a future me who is kinder to herself, learns to be with her inner child, and is continuously growing.
Honestly, I needed to hear all that you said, which makes me think that showing my vulnerable side would reach the kind of people I need. More healing blogs soon and that's because you motivated me to do so 🤗
Eeek I meant to respond sooner! Sorry about that 😅
I'm far from done working on myself, but I am glad my comment gave you some comfort for the future. Funny enough, I just found reassurance that I will get through the weirdness of my 30s from another beautiful soul on Hive :)
It's absolutely unreal how this place brings folks together!
I'm so happy that my comment made you feel that way! Cheers to blogs and hugs! 🤗😁
hahaha @bananzell, roller skates daw oh!
laro na lang ulit sims, doll house din naman. hahahaha.
at the subject of spending. ako, I make two primary lists. things I want and things I need.
because kagaya ng experience ng friend ko na na experience ko na din. minsan... gusto mo lang magkaroon pero di mo need. like buying a ps4 pro, nung wala pa si friend gustong gusto niya, pero nung nandyan na, parang wala lang at binenta pa niya.
humingi pa ng advice sa akin kung bibili ba siya ng ps4 pro kasi nga may kamahalan. ang tanong ko is gustong gusto mo ba? ayon sabi niya oo, then he should. it's no longer a want, it's a need.
gaano man kababaw ang kasiyahan ng tao. ito pa rin ang rason na magiging masaya ang tao. hindi dapat ito pinipigilan o pinupuna. it's a need kasi and no longer a want.
EVERYTHING we do has an opportunity costs at madalas dito nangagaling ang sadness.
how to be happy? be selfish. hehehe. don't be a shellfish.
Hi Ish. 😊
p.s. pag may steam ka na. add friends tayo. hahahahaha.
Girl, I'm telling you.... Roller skates need smooth roads 🤣 I'm not sure they'll satisfy your inner child much but they're certainly fun to learn cuz I'm currently learning how to now. My lab grandparents are feeding my inner child things she's always wanted but idk why there's still something missing
This is a very touching and lovely post. I wish your Inner Child much healing and happiness 💗
this makes me wonder what happened to you. I hoe you are already heading to recovery and that you will fulfil your inner child's needs.
I did not have a childhood that most child had, that's why I am asking. but if you don't feel like sharing, I would respect that too
Hi, you could say mine is not normal too. Both of my parents are present in my life growing up but in many ways they are "absent." I lost my innocence too soon so I had mental health issues growing up. Safe to say I'm healing - but it's complex. Some days are good, some days are not. I learned to be kinder to myself and seek help. Thank you for asking!
Mind if I ask yours? Only if you feel comfortable 😊
This touched me so deeply. I am so sorry that your younger self experienced both deprivation and trauma. It is never too late to repair the foundations and the walls. I have two sons, both of whom we adopted. And when you adopt children who have experienced life trauma or neglect, you are advised about the missing foundations or bricks in the wall that need to be added still in order for the walls to remain strong and keep the entire house standing for life. And so we actively plug the holes with experiences that meet the needs. We cement them in really well so that our children are not left sitting with an incomplete and flimsy foundation or walls within which to live and survive. So I think whatever needs you feel now... you should pay attention to them and do whatever you can to find those missing bricks and slot them into place. Some of this can be done by oneself, others need the support of groups who can help you to heal. Sending you so much love, Ish... and @wesphilbin is right... The Thoughtful Daily post community is a wonderful place for you to share these thoughts of yours. You are never alone there. Always remember that... and if you'd like to explore another supportive online community for your posts and for general friendship and fun... you can message me here or come to my discord DM and I can share with you. I'm around every day... so if you ever just need to chat with someone... you can always reach out too. You don't have to do everything alone. There are lots of wonderful people here on Hive 💗 !LUV !ALIVE
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