Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 1180)

Hello Everyone!

Things have rapidly gone from bad to worse & I have no idea what to do!

Alright, I am running about an hour behind schedule with my writing routine... due to some unforeseen circumstances tying my time up with correspondences. I will of course have to dive into the details of that later in this entry... but for now, at least I am here... and although I might need another espresso before I am done... I just have to stick to my routine no matter what.

It might seem like such a minuscule thing, to want to stick to said routine so much... but doing it (as well as my other routines) has helped tremendously over the course of the last many months. Not to reiterate the value of solid routines in this entry... but over the course of the previous seven odd years of sharing my life... having them has often played a pivotal role in my sense of well-being... and I am grateful for stumbling upon said value when I did.

Honestly, I have no idea how to spell out what is going on for me at the moment... and need to really take my time this evening in doing so... or I might steer myself into a corner that I cannot so easily escape from. The words that I use in these entries are often for my own benefit... due to how they tend to shape/expose my view of things... and currently I gotta say that things are murky at best.

Last night I turned in early to stay on track with my sleep cycle... but throughout the night my eldest dog was having a rough go at things... and continually woke me and the other dogs up. Generally speaking waking up and drifting back off to sleep again does not bother me... but the very idea of her being in pain (even if it were for brief moments) made my sleep less than fitful... and more than 'troubled' to say the least.

By the time the sun came up over the horizon though, I had made up my mind that she will have to go on that 'one way trip to the veterinarian' that I mentioned the other day... because her quality of life just is not what it needs to be. It is/was a hard conclusion to come to by any stretch of the imagination... but it is undoubtedly what is best... and although I have no idea how I will afford it... I will have to afford it one way or another.

Between paying a stranger some crazy amount of money to euthanize my best friend... and probably having to argue with them to take her corpse with me... to give her a proper burial... I dunno what sits heavier on my heart betwixt those factors... and the loss that I know that I will feel. Without a doubt I have made my peace with it all... but I also know that true peace with it, will not occur until it is all said and done and I can grieve.

So, with all that rumbling around in my mind and weighing on my heart (mixed with a lack of sleep) I decided to do the bare minimum today... and just get some rest and hopefully get my back to heal up some more. I did however attempt to do my Hive engagement routine along the way... but I was feeling way too low to properly engage... and even neglected to respond to some things being asked of me.

My tendency towards withdrawing from things has of course played a major role in shaping my life... and 'having nothing to say' should not be interpreted as neglect... given that most of it revolves around me not wanting to respond poorly to things. For you long term readers, I think that it should go without saying that I have made tremendous strides to avoid being verbally combative over the previous seven odd years... unless of course the scenario dictates otherwise.

For you newer readers, please understand that by my own admission I am a complicated critter... that knows myself well enough to remain silent if I cannot conduct myself in a productive manner. Not that I am perfect at either of those things... but my life is a continual work in progress... and I make these entries to share my life to the best of my ability... and let the chips fall as they may from there.

All that jazz aside, I spent the bulk of the day catching up on my sleep... and during it all I had some pretty intense dreams that once again were the kind that continued where they left off each time that I awoke... and found myself drifting off to sleep again. Thankfully, they were not all that hectic or anything... but they also did not accommodate much in the way of the 'rest' that I was looking for.

When I finally awoke for the last time (about an hour before sunset) I did my usual routine of checking all my notifications and messages to see if I had missed anything during my slumber. Generally speaking the only things that I ever encounter when I do that routine is some stuff on Hive... but today I also had a text message waiting for me on my phone.

Admittedly, it took me a bit to truly let the reality of that message sink in... and although I had been dreading receiving it (or a similar message) there it was at long last. It was so out of the blue though, that I did briefly consider whether I was still dreaming or not... but after brewing some espresso, rereading it a few times and doing all my late day chores... I came to the conclusion that it was assuredly not a dream.

Since then, I have not only made a thoughtful, meticulous and contention-lacking response to it... but also mulled over whether to include it in this entry or not for the sake of transparency... and the thorough documenting of my life. It is always challenging to do such things, given all the weird ramifications involved with taking such actions... but I think that in this instance it might be best so that folks understand what I am facing.

"Jacob,
I want you to find some place else to live.

Everything we had planned about life and with that land is kind of out the window and as I try to figure out what to do next, your being there is just another complication.

I will get together the money that I still owe you before the end of May."

To be clear here, that was rewritten verbatim and came directly from the actual owner of the property... which is very different for me than when it came from a third party before. I cannot in good conscience share my response due to not wanting to air other folks dirty laundry... but it amounted to me reiterating all the things that I had told the third party (and alluded to in previous entries) before... along with formally acknowledging that I had been asked to move.

I also included in my response a request to be paid for the work that I did to clear the shelter site, build the dog yard fence, build the deck and construct the cabin. Since all of that work was done under the premise that I would be given (in exchange for said work) my own land (that I could build my own place on) I just thought it was good to advocate for myself in that regard.

Their response to my lengthy and thoughtful reply was "You have til the end of May" to which I simply responded with "Understood" because obviously there is not much to say at that point besides that. I have no idea if I will be paid either the money I have been owed (for over two years) for other work that I did in good faith here... or be compensated for the deal that the person chose to renege on... but I am really tired of getting screwed over after so heavily investing myself in one place after another over the last many years.

It is such a heart breaking scenario for me on so many levels... and while I could respond to it in many ways I just sort of feel dead inside in regards to everything involved with it... and the very idea of 'starting over' at a new place just seems futile. Having known that those feelings (or lack thereof) would emerge I had been steadily working towards purchasing this place (or another one) but my efforts simply were not enough.

Last year I exhaustively searched for options on places to move to and put myself 'way out there' in the process trying to find any option that I could... and I came up with nothing truly tangible. The housing crisis in general in this country since then... has grown even more dire... and at this point I cannot see my way out of the situation no matter how hard I try to... and whoa I have been trying to this whole time!

I mean just finding housing for myself would be (is) immensely challenging... but add in four dogs (perhaps soon to be three dogs) four chickens and all my gear... it is absolutely discouraging in the current scenario. Of course I am also such an odd person to boot that it is not like that makes things any easier... but hey that has always been a challenge so there is nothing new there.

Well, I have to stop myself from expounding upon the difficulties/challenges ahead of me (and those I am currently facing) or I will wind up working myself into a state of mind... that I would rather remain free of. I honestly wish that I had something better to contribute to this entry... but alas my heartache and the uncertainty of my future is all that I have at the moment.

In closing, I have given things my best here but per usual 'my best' simply was not enough. I sincerely hope that everyone is doing well and are having a better go at life than I am at the moment. Ta ta for now.

I failed to take a picture for the day so here is another one from yesterday's sunset.

Thanks for reading!

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Cheers! & Hive On!

All content found in this post is mine!