Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 1214)
Hello Everyone!
Just a weird day, An abundance of challenges, Favoring pragmatism over positivity & A noticeable lack of calories!
Alright, I am beginning my writing routine one minute earlier than my usual time... which yeah is probably not even worth remarking upon... but I like beginning these entries talking about said routine. Eventually I should probably begin them in another fashion... but for now it seems to be working well... and like the old saying goes: If it is not broken then do not try to fix it.
Last night I did not fall asleep quite as early as I wanted to... but I was at least not up super late or anything... and I managed to wake up not all that long after sunrise. Earlier in the day I could remember some of what I had been dreaming about... but at this time I am drawing a total blank on what they might have been or what was happening in them.
Honestly, I woke up in a really weird mood (which to be clear was not a bad mood or anything) and although I could probably psychoanalyze what all it was... I am going to spare both you... and myself in that regard. In short, I think that doing the food rationing that I have been doing, the packing down... and navigating the land purchase has taken quite the toll on me.
None of that is necessarily a bad thing... but keep in mind that I also have all the 'background noise' of my current scenario going on... and expecting myself to mentally pivot (just because I now own a piece of dirt that has all its own challenges to face) is just unrealistic... and absolutely unreasonable. I keep picturing myself being out of my current scenario and what I would say about it all... and what I keep coming up with is something like this: Just because the scenario I was in is over... it does not mean that I am over the scenario.
It kind of all goes back to what I keep saying about not being in the kind of physical, mental and emotional shape that I need to be in to start from scratch at a new place... and how utterly important that it is that I get some kind of downtime once I arrive there. As I have said before I need to do some sort of 'hard reset' on my mind... and shake the experiences of the last several years off before truly diving into the place.
The reality is that I will have no choice but to 'hit the ground running' upon my arrival... and it is not like I will have any conveniences or amenities to soften my landing. I know folks like to romanticize about being in such scenarios... but having done the whole 'living in the woods with no infrastructure' thing before I am not looking forward to it at all.
Of course I would not have quite so much angst over it all... if I knew what I was getting into... knew at least one of the neighbors... or if I could 'bankroll' rapidly setting everything up... but none of that is the case. The challenges that I am facing are extremely difficult ones... and while I appreciate folks trying to encourage me to be positive ad infinitum... I would rather be pragmatic... and not delude myself with visions of 'happy endings' that lack any basis for believing in to begin with.
In other words I would be a fucking idiot to think that 'everything will be alright' when I do not even know what kind of scenario that I am stepping into... and especially so in regards to the locals. Like I termed it to someone a while back: How would you feel about it if someone along with their eight animals and all their worldly possessions plopped down on some empty land in your neighborhood... being a total stranger, unlike anyone else around (in character) who also had no vehicle?
Having asked that question (almost verbatim) their response was something along the lines of 'Well um... yeah that would not be okay' which yeah I totally get because it is just so far 'outside the norm' in this... and most other 'western countries' for that matter. The thing is that I have done this kind of thing (sans actually owning the land) before... and my concerns are legitimate ones based on experience not wild speculation or baseless fears.
Anyways, today was not super productive because I way overdid it yesterday... and pretty much wiped out all my energy (calories) and could not quite replenish them on the remnants of my current food supplies. I have also been eating way too much peanut butter (as a source of protein) and per usual it has left me feeling rather toxified... which is why I always try to avoid eating it in large quantities if I can.
To be clear, I did not even bother trying to work outdoors and focused on doing some Hive engagement... and taking care of some correspondences instead. By late in the day I was feeling a bit stir crazy (from the lack of physical inactivity) so I wound up getting some of my clean laundry packed away... and more or less trying to figure out which clothes that I can leave unpacked... and which ones I will not need for the remainder of my stay here.
It was not until just before dark that I finally got outdoors and did my routine chores... but by then I was so distracted (mostly by hunger) that I only did the bare minimum... before moving on to walking the other dog that I take care of, feeding all the critters... and trying to relax my mind a bit before my time to write rolled around. All in all it should have been a relaxing day... but alas I just feel like a spring that keeps getting wound tighter and tighter.
Well, on that note I think that is all the words that I have in me for this entry. I hope that everyone is doing well... and has the kind of peace of mind that makes life enjoyable. Ta ta for now.
I understand your anxiety, anyone would have it if in your shoes, but I think you can handle things better than anyone else would do. Also, remember a stranger can be a friend you never met.
Try not to stress.
They did a heart catheter on Julie and found no blockage and said it was not a heart attack, they found fluid built up around her heart and they do not know why it is there. She is still in an induced coma and on a vent. My heart hurts for her, she is younger than me.