Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 626-627)

over 1 year ago

Hello Everyone!

The journey of life is a forever winding road of helping each other!

I am up before the sun today mainly because the little window unit air-conditioner iced over during the night and began making all kinds of racket. I do not recall what I was dreaming but somehow my brain had incorporated the noise into the dream and when I first awoke I was like: Why am I still hearing that noise!

Given how random and jarring the noises were you would think that I would find it all incredibly annoying especially given the current goings on of my life. Instead though I just fetched a screw driver, took the cover off the device, retrieved the shop vacuum from the solar shack and started cleaning all the dust from the fins.

Admittedly that was not the most awesome way to begin my day but hey I was absolutely un-phased by it and afterwards set my espresso to brewing much like I have done on who knows how many other mornings! Currently, I have the air-conditioner running in 'fan mode' and from the sounds of it the ice is melting and the 'noise' is growing less jarring so yay for small victories.

Now that I think of it, I should probably stay focused on any (and all) 'small victories' over the coming days and continually remind myself of their importance. It is kind of like getting all that cold weather gear cleaned which may not seem like much but now in the back of my mind I absolutely know that I am ready for the cold when (and if) I find myself in it.

That sort of stuff of course comes down to gaining what I guess could be called: incremental peace of mind. I think that the more I plug away at stuff each day packing down the homestead the more that I will need to lean into those victories to bolster my confidence that I can and will make it through this transitional period of my life.

All the stuff that I am currently facing is of course weighing on me heavily but I think that at this point I have a pretty good grip on my emotions and the worst part of the initial turmoil has subsided. I did reach a point yesterday while hanging laundry that I looked around at all that I had done to create this little homestead area and my heart lurched and I felt a deep sense of loss but thankfully the feeling passed without much ado.

Mainly that was because I took some advice a friend recently gave me and 'let myself feel' what I was feeling without just compartmentalizing it to be dealt with later. Sure it did not make my 'heart' feel less heavy, or the sadness less profound but it absolutely shortened the duration of it all and helped me to 'just let it go' without it weighing on me further.

Perhaps at some point I should just take some time to shed tears, some time to laugh and some time to absorb what all I have learned along this journey but honestly I am just not there yet and dislike the notion of forcing that upon myself. In other words I will get there eventually and be okay with it when I am.

To be clear there. I did do a good bit of crying whilst talking to my closest friend last week but it was absolutely more from despair and feeling hopeless than what I am mentioning above. Working through my emotions is nothing new to me and I know that it is best to wait until I am in a better position to do so or else I will just get frigging side-tracked from what my primary focus should be.

In regards to said focus. There is much that I have to do and although I have been making progress I really do need to ratchet things up soon and start packing down in earnest. Do not get me wrong because I have definitely been doing so but like I mentioned in my previous entry I have been working around the heat and gradually getting my body back into the sort of shape it needs to be in for the tasks ahead.

As far as getting into shape goes... I have been taking multiple hikes each day and doing my best to double my calorie and water consumption so that I have that 'extra bit' that I need to do so. Snapping out of that 'downtime mode' is always a slow process but heck it is not like I would not be doing it anyway over the coming weeks even if I was to be remaining here.

On a different note. Being sort of destitute at some point in regards to housing is extremely un-nerving and having previously harped upon the topic many times over the last few years as a mounting crisis in this country... now that I myself am facing it all I can say is: Ugh! Yup it is frigging daunting in the current situation for a number of reasons!

Like I was saying in my previous entry the inflated price of goods and cost of fuel are two big factors but now I want to focus on some other factors: Just how divided, suspicious, desperate and outright confrontational many folks have become over the last few years. Those factors combined with the first two sure makes things tricky and I have found myself having to take a very deep look at my options in light of those things.

Alright it is much later in the morning and I managed to squeeze in almost three hours of work before the temperature and humidity began to kick in which is pretty dang good considering it is just a little after nine-thirty! I will most likely be diving back into all that other stuff at some point but for now a little break (and perhaps more espresso) is in order!

Well, I made the espresso but wound up abandoning the cup of it and going hiking instead of adding more here. It was a bit late in the morning for a hike but honestly I got to feeling overwhelmed and felt that doing so would help clear my head.

During the hike I finally caught a really good look at the buck deer that frequents the place and whoa has he gotten big since last I saw him. From the looks of things he was browsing on the kudzu when we noticed each other. Since there is a nearby paved road (and he darted towards it) I turned around and walked in the opposite direction so as not to inadvertently drive him out into traffic.

It was a really cool sight to see though and I am rather confident that the rest of the small herd was not all that far away from where I saw him at. I was way too 'slow on the draw' to get a picture of him but whoa was he looking frigging healthy and his rack has grown significantly. If I were to guess... I would say he was a nine point buck!

I have definitely been 'soaking in the nature' during those hikes of late and although I did not mention it in yesterday's entry I have begun seeing more monarch butterflies and dragonflies around here. There is just something that I can only describe as being 'majestic' about them and per usual they are quite the welcome sight since the dragonflies eat mosquito larvae and the butterflies are awesome pollinators.

On a different note. All the moving stuff is obviously weighing on me in a really heavy way and I want to acknowledge that several folks (some that I either barely know or do not know at all) have been offering me support, kindness and encouragement. All of which has assuredly helped bolster my morale which admittedly had not only hit the proverbial 'rock bottom' but had blasted right through it and kept on plummeting!

I will not bullshit anyone here and say that my overall morale is 'high' or anything but at least it is no longer tanking downward! Honestly, nothing short of a miracle will get me out of the scenario I find myself in (and into another one) and while I am a firm believer that miracles happen every day... I think they largely go un-noticed.

What I am driving at there is that it is going to take a 'noticeable miracle' and probably one much larger than I can imagine. I know folks bandy that term around a lot and use it to say: Hey I need help with this problem that is way bigger than what I can deal with but I am too afraid to ask for it directly... so please notice and help!

Do not get me wrong there because I absolutely get it and of course in regards to my own scenario I have been asking even though I have not been doing so publicly until just recently. The real kicker is that folks have been offering 'help' if I need it and I have thus far declined (or said hey not yet) because I do not feel good about not having a plan or knowing exactly what my next move is.

I am sure that plenty of folks would leap at any opportunity for 'free money' (I hope that adequately conveys the scorn I feel about that sentiment) but lacking a concise plan of action and knowing what I will need to execute said plan... I just cannot feel good about accepting such offers.

Back in the days before I got minorly successful at content creation I would leap at such offers but I was also super hard up and every dollar mattered to help keep me being able to cover my bases each month. Or in some cases make a long journey from one place to another because I was moving and found myself unable to afford to do so.

In short if you are one of the folks who have offered and was met with a 'maybe later' that is the reason for it. What I actually need currently is to figure out my next step as to where I am going, be able to calculate the expenses to get there and of course someone with a big ass moving truck or willing to drive one if it comes down to renting one.

I swear if my life was ever simple and uncomplicated when it comes to moving from place to place I would undoubtedly not have such a strong stress response when faced with housing insecurity. The real kicker there is that no matter where I go I will more than likely be starting off in a tent (AGAIN!) and we all know how tiresome camping is for me considering how much I express my discontent over doing it each time!

Seriously, the whole 'camping mode' thing is so unappealing to me that I absolutely cringe at the idea of doing it again regardless of how good I am at it! There is obviously a damned reason (okay many reasons) why I prefer building a real shelter and it assuredly comes from camping way too much and not the inverse of camping too little.

I best not get to ranting and raving overly much about it all or when the time comes to actually do it I will have already gotten myself way too worked up about it to handle it accordingly. Suffice it to say that of all the various 'housing' options it is by far my absolute least favorite because I know that it by itself is a rigorous and demanding lifestyle that lacks the basic comforts I enjoy. It also requires time from my day best spent elsewhere but I digress!

Let me tell you it is so easy to get worked up about one thing or another these days and as wild as it may sound I do find some relief in knowing that many other folks are feeling a similar pressure... and yet we all keep chugging along... facing it all down... breathing it all in... and not forgetting to fucking exhale along the way... before doing it all over again the next day... and the day after that... because why the hell not? Oh yeah... that thing called love and that other thing we coyly call... enjoying life.

Okay, it is yet another morning here and I am once again up before the sun sipping my espresso and waiting for the dreams that I was having to fade from my mind. I gotta say the dreams that I was having were rather 'potent' but when I awoke it was to an incredible sense of peace and overall well-being.

I will not bullshit you about feeling surprised to awaken in such a state but once I did I just rolled with it and let it wash the fuck over me because if there is one thing that I need more of right now... it is feeling like 'everything is fine' and that I am ultimately doing exactly what I need to be doing right now in life.

That kind of 'calm assurance' sure goes a long way and although of late I have been feeling a lot of turmoil... I awoke this morning with it just simply being gone! I know how that sounds but whoa let me tell you I have been having a rough go at things of late and will welcome in any 'calmness' no matter where it comes from.

Obviously my life has reached a crossroads where decisions must be made, a path ahead chosen and regardless of my discomfort along the way I am going to have to adjust. The hardest part to accept is that the path ahead may well be very different than what I thought that it would be.

I am okay with that actually and for the first time in quite a while I feel like the direction I am going is one that will lead me towards fulfilling my dreams in a meaningful way without feeling a bunch of 'resistance' along the way of doing so. I dunno if that paints a clear enough picture but in short the heavy encumbering feelings (around having to start over) have completely vanished.

Well, 'vanished' for this morning at least! But hey all things considered I will take it! It seems like feelings of 'certainty' in life have grown few and far between of late and although adapting has not been easy... I have at least adapted. All that is necessary now is to just hold onto that feeling at all cost and foster its growth through any means possible over the days ahead.

Overall, the uncertainty of the times coupled with any other form of uncertainty is just too much for a single person to bear at this point. Hence me reaching out to my friends, family, acquaintances, gaming buddies and absolute strangers. Of course what I have found in 'turning to them' has been why I felt good in turning to them in the first place... because we all need each other right now.

For the folks that know just how much I tend to go it alone in the world and not really seek the advice and council of others, that I am even doing it speaks volumes. After just shy of nine years of doing the hermiting thing I am fully able to admit that sure I can do it alone... but I damn sure do not want to even with good dogs, a secure shelter and plenty of experience.

In other words per usual my advice for folks is to just not do it because at the end of the day we just operate better in a group and the mental gymnastics a single person has to do to cope... is exhausting beyond measure... even if not beyond redemption... because honestly it is frigging rough and there is all too much to do to maintain our mental well-being in the face of such stress.

Personally, I know that my own life has been highly adapted to do what I do in the world and while sure I could get it a bit more 'dialed in' than I have it now... the big question is: Do I honestly want to be that much of a frigging control freak or am I okay with just letting life happen without my personal interference or need to 'guide the course/direction' of all things getting in the way! In short: Surrender sure goes a long way.

What I was driving at there is I would way rather relax into my day to day routines than constantly be struggling against them. With how I live that is rather simple and straight forward because my time is my own and I can do with it what I want... so as long as I can muster some morale and motivation I can really enjoy the process of just doing more, whining less and reducing friction at every available opportunity.

The sun is a little beyond its zenith and yup it is a time of day that I never write during regardless of the circumstances of life. Often if I reach the point of wanting to write then... I angle towards taking a nap instead. Today that just is not the case though!

Very early in the day I just had to have some Johnny Cash to remind me that life continues forward and a little celebration truly goes a long way. The entire journey of a 'life lived' would absolutely be meaningless without it and I am glad that my current life experiences have reminded me of that.

Earlier I was driving at how it is 'a lot for one person' and heck it is even a lot for one person and two supporting role characters and the one thing that we can never really account for is the pressures of the times we may find ourselves in. In other words it took quite the catty-wampus journey to realize that yup I can do it alone... but nope I would rather not.

Imagine getting laid up ill and having a hard time with doing things alone and the only way to make it is to rely on others... well although that is the way I rely on myself as well (when I have the wisdom to do so) it is an overwhelming task among many tasks. As far as long-term strategies go the 'one man show' counts on 'everything going right' and we all know they seldom actually do.

I have also been feeling that a certain 'banding together' is necessary to help ease the challenges of the times and to not do so would be a total failure in responsibility on our part. After all we must be good stewards to the land regardless because I honestly believe that is our best hope in the situation to achieve a productive (and sustainable) future for the following generations.

Personally I believe that yes we are still that noble and that yes... we can... and will... do it. I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night and are kind to yourselves and others.