Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 630)
Navigating the ole internal landscape, Grappling with loss, Effort does not equal reward & Dreaming for naught!
I awoke not all that long after four this morning and spent much of my time since then piddling around getting the espresso brewing and then looking to see if I have any new leads for places to move to. I should really just stick with the former upon waking... because honestly starting my day off looking at the latter is not all that satisfying and gets all the wrong gears turning way too early in the day.
At least I slept really well again and yup I awoke to feeling quite peaceful and calm so no complaints there or anything! Considering everything that is going on for me I think that waking that way is an absolute blessing and yeah I totally hold onto that feeling as long as I can each day. The only time it begins to falter is when I need a nap (which of course I take) but otherwise I just run with it!
Currently I am grappling with a lot of stuff and my focus tends to wander from things that I need to do around here (just to keep chugging along) and what the heck I am going to do with my life. Let me tell you: The bad options are plentiful and the good options seem to be either slim or non-existent at this point and yet... I keep looking at as many frigging options as I can.
Admittedly part of me feels like this particular fail in life will be my last such one and in the process I will lose all that I have worked for including my hard won peace of mind, the critters and what remains of my worldly possessions. Yeah, it is a bleak outlook to be having but it is much closer to being a reality than what I am comfortable entertaining or even expressing in these entries.
Part of me knows all of that is definitely a strong possibility in the scenario. Which is I guess why I have found myself turning to avenues of input that I never would have considered before and looking for places in ways that I have not looked before. What I am saying here is that 'the stakes are high' and I know how valid of a concern all that is given the times that I find myself in.
To be fair to myself I am having to 'turn on a dime' in life at the moment and yeah it makes my head spin trying to adjust to it all! Honestly, I would probably be feeling more concerned if I were not having the kinds of misgivings that I expressed above. They are after all completely real possibilities and I best not bullshit myself or anyone else otherwise.
There is not much else that I can say on the matter without making myself feel crazed on the topic but yeah it is a rough frigging thing to be facing. The stark reality is that I have failed again to secure a long-term home for me and the critters and yup I absolutely feel like I am at the proverbial 'end of my rope' without much hope for a meaningful future.
I know that sounds depressing as heck... because it is but hey at least there is some 'entertainment value' in it for folks! All jokes aside, the turmoil over housing insecurity is brutal and yeah it has been 'playing hell' on my mind regardless of how much I attempt to safeguard myself against the stress, anxiety and overall upheaval.
Do not get me wrong there because I am doing a ton of that sort of 'safeguarding' each day and most of it revolves around not giving up, not growing angry, not getting depressed and a bunch of other 'nots' that all amount to being corrosive to my fledgling morale! As far as it (the morale) goes whoa its like trying to hold onto frigging smoke at times and yeah I am doing whatever 'bullshitting of myself' that I have to in an effort to mitigate the fallout!
At this point in life I am tired beyond measure of 'starting over' and yeah there is a part of me that wants to give up and lose it all. That same 'part' also says that I should just face the music that regardless of my skills, talents, knowledge, or whatever... it is just not enough to secure me a decent place in the world. As sad as that sentiment is to bear it is how things have been thus far and I would be a damned fool not to recognize it.
I guess that kind of thinking is where my saying 'its a rough life' comes from and as harsh as it may sound (to be telling myself it right now) I assuredly am! Perhaps the 'condescending humorous mockery' of that saying is lost in the spelling out of it in this entry... but believe me it is there even when I say it to myself. The question is: Can I myself be rougher than it?
Assuredly I could be... but I am not. Because realizing that my life was getting turned inside out and upside down I began to immediately look for solutions, eat more food, drink more water, do more hiking, communicate with friends and family and of course I began leaning heavily into the writing... all in an effort to thwart as many as my stress responses as possible lest they impede me.
There is no way around it that I have a lot to figure out and yeah I feel the pressure mounting regardless of how much I do each day in an effort to extract myself from the scenario. I was in no way bullshitting about that 'miracle' thing in that entry a few days ago and if you have not figured it out by now I am looking at the odds being infinitesimally 'slim to none' and am in no way counting on it!
Having just read over this entire entry I must say yeah it sounds absolutely horrible what I am going through and the picture that I am painting is indeed a bleak one... and yet I am still here fighting the good fight in an effort to turn it all around! I honestly do not know which of those sentiments are more insane to be having but hey I will find out eventually.
When it comes right down to it I cannot afford the fucking luxury of having some kind of mental break (or breakdown) at this juncture. That is not just because I do not think my psyche can take it (and make a recovery from it) but because I just do not have time for it in a very fundamental way. The events of the world very clearly dictate to me that now is not the time to falter.
Occasionally I do ask myself the question of whether I am wrong about said times but I am always extremely hard pressed to find fault in that sentiment. The only time that I tend to believe that I am 'off' about them is when I am feeling incredibly 'hopeful' and sadly yeah that is often a brief, short-lived affair. For what it is worth I am just way too pragmatic to hazard on the side of being wrong in that regard.
Sure I think things will in general continue their slow decline as the climate grows more erratic and folks continue to 'act out' in the world in unhinged ways... but I do not think that overall the scenario is hopeless for those willing to put in the effort. Of course there is no guarantees that putting in the effort will result in reaping any rewards but for there to be even the chance of reward: Effort is required.
I guess what I am saying there is that when I really look at things: I find myself landing neither on the side of 'having hope' or 'being at a loss for it' and maintaining that sort of neutral ground between the two has become quite the balancing act in and of itself. It has also become incredibly difficult to hold onto but I digress!
As with most things these days I tell myself something along the lines of 'hey you will figure it out one way or another' and while I do not have a real choice except to believe it... I am faltering in that belief... I am telling it to myself less... and disregarding it more often after telling it to myself... so you do the math there on whether it is working or not!
Meanwhile, I have missed my window to go hiking in the cool of the morning and the last four hours of pecking away at the keyboard here has assuredly not left me in the brightest of moods. But... hell I would just be suspicious of such a mood at this point anyway... so meh! Perhaps if I did not find this place to be so relaxing and just all around 'nice' to live at I would be having a much easier time at coping with the losses that I feel.
It is really off-topic but recently I found out that a bunch of my family is actually from this general area and it has made me wonder just how much of me feeling at home and at peace here is some genetic expression rooted in times long before the founding of this country. I have never really been able to sum up exactly how much I like this area but learning that sure 'filled in the blanks' so to speak.
Alright, it is now much later in the day and I have not gotten anything besides my routine chores accomplished. Very early today after doing the morning writing, taking care of some correspondences, going hiking and futility looking for new places to move online I gave up on doing anything and went to sleep. Or to put it more aptly: I went to dream.
Having found myself feeling deeply troubled about the lack of a path ahead in life I figured to best seek some kind of answer (or just resolution) in my dreaming mind. If that sounds too 'hippy-dippy' to you then look at it like me consulting the super-computer of my mind and leave it at that. I even kept forcing myself to drift back off whenever I found myself waking with the explicit goal of getting to the bottom of things.
All total I spent about seven hours asleep, dreamed heavily that entire time and reached no real conclusions on said path forward in life. I did however awake feeling much better than I did before going to sleep so go figure. Basically even my dreaming mind says I am fucked... but hey it also says I am okay with that (for now) so go figure!
If at this point anyone is wondering 'how I am holding up' it should be rather obvious that I have successfully compartmentalized my feelings and especially so the ones that will just get in the way like anger and sorrow. Furthermore it should be equally obvious that I have been running roughshod over all the memories bubbling to the surface from when I have found myself in similar positions in life.
More often than not of late I find myself saying to myself: What I would not give for a good therapist right now! One with decades of rapport between us and the ability to communicate with me in such a way that it actually helps me feel like progress is being made. Having played that role for myself for all too long I really must admit that at this juncture I am not equipped well enough to do so and should seek someone who is.
I guess that is how the whole 'talking to friends and family' came into play the other week and while sure I know they are no 'therapist' (and I shudder at the idea of thinking or treating them as if they are) it did help me tremendously. Not that I want to get in the habit of doing all that at all (not just because I find it as alarming as they do) but because I dislike counting on others for my own mental well-being.
The very idea of needing other folks in that department is never a comfortable feeling but I am damn sure glad they were there for me to talk with. Sometimes a calm voice and an outside perspective goes a long frigging way. In many ways that stranger that I previously mentioned has done the same (probably unwittingly) and for what it is worth I have probably done the same for them... which I think was neither of our intents!
Anyway, I have a feeling these entries are going to be kind of useless over the days ahead and will mainly revolve around my own current struggles. Which by the way is something I actually dislike but to divorce my life from writing altogether would be quite disastrous. So please bear with me (or not) until I can actually get back to writing things with some kind of substance in regards to homesteading.
In regards to the little homestead itself I of course still keep doing my daily routines but there is this massive list of things (mostly plans or ongoing projects) that I constantly find myself shying away from thinking about because it just makes me frustrated and annoyed to do so. For folks who know what an 'ongoing process' a homestead, farm or whatever is... I am sure they understand what I mean there!
Being engaged in many ongoing projects is one thing because I know that I have enough 'follow through' to get them to where I want them to be but the idea of just abandoning them all really gets to me. Admitting to myself that all my efforts were a waste of time and resources... makes me seriously question my initial decision making process and whether I really have it in me to start all over again at a new location.
Alright, this stuff is just getting too damn depressing to write about so I best call this entry 'good enough' and do something else (like editing and posting) for what remains of the day. I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.