Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 641)

Hello Everyone!

A cathartic dream, Lets get convoluted, A cultural taboo, Making ashes, More sorting of stuff & Telling it like it is!

By the time I actually roused myself from slumber the sun was already up and although I had awoken many times before that... I just kept drifting back off so that I could continue the dream that I was having.

I will not be delving into the dream itself here but I would like to note that it was both cathartic and insightful. So, yup there were incredibly good reasons for me to continue it after waking so many times and thus sleeping in a bit later than usual.

The weather is once again going to be rainy and stormy and it looks like that will be the case for the next many days and by that I mean at least another week or more!

In short, getting anything done outdoors is going to be difficult at best and counter-productive at most considering I need to be washing and drying stuff out before packing/storing it away again.

I swear all these 'challenges within challenges within challenges wrapped in logistical difficulties' makes the whole process of packing down (let alone moving) such a difficult thing to do that it is almost downright insurmountable.

Honestly, had I known that I would be getting rug pulled in the scenario (yeah that is after all what it is) I would have never unpacked and set things up 'for the long haul' like I did.

Not that I like getting (or get) stuck on such 'lines of thought' but just the way that I let myself settle in here makes pulling up stakes a heck of a lot more difficult than had I say... planned on not being here forever.

I mean seriously I was told over and over that I would be taking the place over once the folks moved to another country... until one day... all of a sudden... I was not!

Yeah it made my head spin, yeah I feel like I was 'done dirty' and yeah the way that it was done was immature and what amounts to being 'a slap in the face' so if I am displaying more angst than usual... you can do the math as to why!

Sadly though, there is no avenue of recourse, no correcting the losses nor any other thing that can more or less 'right the wrong' and me not being a vindictive person... can only just let it all go and move on in life. Hell, I did not even get a simple apology and do not worry... I am not holding my breath that I will!

It kind of goes back to something that I found myself telling myself years ago (when dealing with a similar situation) and although I cannot quite recall the exact phrasing it went something like this: My life will undoubtedly keep getting better and their lives will undoubtedly keep getting worse.

Now that might sound a bit messed up (or even mean) but in essence what I am saying is that my focus is always some form of what I guess could be called 'constructive growth' and life tends to 'reward' me for it while the inverse is true (or true enough) for those who engage in destructive and/or chaotic behaviors.

Call me crazy (or just self-aware to a fault) but no matter the hardships I face, I cling to the notion that through making myself a better person I am: Being the change that I want to see in the world. Yeah, I know that phrase gets overused but it is a good one nonetheless.

My point is that everyone by and large chooses how they react to difficult situations (and what life throws at them) and for me personally I prefer to choose a path that helps instead of harms... plain and simple! Another way of putting it is: Karma tends to bite those in the ass who tend to bite others!

Sadly, the folks here became mere 'cardboard cutouts of people' to me (yeah it is a character flaw of mine that I wholly acknowledge) once they chose such a path as the one they did in how immaturely things were handled.

Because sure, I can accept that the financial pressures of the times made for the necessity of changing course... but blithely tossing me overboard in the process showed me a lot. Lets just say that the 'way' it was all done just added insult to injury.

Perhaps a different reaction was anticipated from me, mayhaps one of anger, lashing out, acting out or some combination of those things... which of course could later be used against me in such a way that they could justify their actions... or at least use them as an excuse to our mutual 'friends' (they are actually mere acquaintances) as to why things worked out the way they did. To crib a line from an old comedy show: Homie don't play that!

Of course all of the above could be viewed as me 'throwing folks under the bus' but if that is what you have gotten from it so far I think that you may well be missing the point entirely.

The point being: That just because some folks (it could really apply to anyone) choose a path of harmful behavior (usually by neglecting their own mental well-being or screwing other folks over) it does not by default mean that I should do the same.

If anything (once I see said behavior) I should already be in motion heading in an entirely different direction... instead of engaging in it with them... or as the saying goes: Lowering myself to their level.

Take it all for what it is worth (or not) but I am not here on Earth to play petty games with folks, coddle, enable, nor make excuses for bad behaviors and by no means want to spend my days being exposed to folks domestic horseshit nor get drug into it.

All of which should be quite obvious given how much I hermit, my inclination to not create problems and my focus being oriented on writing, land stewardship and homesteading. Those things evolved as the 'focus of my life' because yup anything else is just downright unappealing to me.

To be utterly clear here. I am well aware that saying the things that I have in this entry is culturally taboo in most places but I am 'from the south' where folks talk openly about problems and yup even other people... and their problems!

While most folks totally do not get it and view it as 'bad manners' or some horseshit like that... the south is traditionally a place of (financial) poverty where credit scores mean jackshit (yeah buying a reputation is not a valid representation of folk's character) and social accountability (and personal growth) is instigated by free and open dialogue about ourselves, other folks, our/their choices and who we/they really are.

All of which is usually geared towards understanding, protecting each other and offering those who are 'talked about' an opportunity to grow... or failing to do so... being shunned. Like the old saying goes: If you cannot stand the heat then get out of the kitchen!

So yeah, I am well aware of how it all 'makes me look' and yeah most of the time I curb such behavior in these entries because I know how twisted it gets by folks who fail to understand that: Culturally I am operating within what is considered to be 'acceptable behavior' and by not doing it... well I have then forgotten my roots and failed in my duty to other folks to speak plainly, say what I mean (and mean what I say) and telling it all as I see it!

As a side note if the phenomenon of this kind of 'social transparency' was embraced on a wider scale like it has been in the south... this country would be a hell of a different place where abuses were not so tolerated, where bad behavior was not made excuses for, where the abnormal was not so normalized and where social accountability would actually mean something besides turning a blind eye towards the harmfulness/toxicity of others... out of either fear... or simply because it is not being done unto the folks who are witnessing it.

All of that is obviously a rabbit warren and one that I am sure could be taken in all too many of the wrong ways but if you really look at what I am expressing there you may well see that fighting against my innermost nature and shielding others on the topic of their ill behaviors just is not going to happen without compromising (or corrupting) a big part of what makes me... me.

As I previously stated in one of my recent entries: Take it all with a grain of salt and if that does not work... then try two grains!

Believe me (or not) if my goal were to 'black ball' or harm the reputation of others there are way more decisive (and more direct) means to do so than writing out my thoughts, insights and realizations in my personal blog where 'mutual acquaintances' are assuredly not going to be seeing said thoughts.

So no that is not the goal nor should it be misunderstood as the goal... but hey form your own opinions... make your own judgments... and as I am increasingly fond of saying lately: What folks believe to be true has zero bearing on what is actually true.

To summarize a lot of that. The story that I am telling here is my own story and while sure I can 'hedge around' many things (for the benefit/privacy of others) when it comes right down to it... that sort of behavior is just neither my style nor one that I find to be even remotely healthy for me when it is things that directly affect me.

I think that many folks who make content encounter similar scenarios where they feel an obligation to tell the truth and face infinite frustration when they cannot. Or when they just cannot tell it in its fullness. I guess that it is a bit more intense for me considering how hooked into my own therapeutic process the writing and sharing is.

What I am driving at there is that, basically omission/hedging on any level (in regards to my own life) is harmful to not only myself but the very process I utilize to find a semblance of (or actual) healing in the world in which I live.

Sure silence is always an option... but yeah we all know what that means and the very idea of 'being silent' reeks of abuse in one way, shape, form or another... and I distanced myself from self-abuse so long ago that I have an equal amount of disdain for it as I do for self-censorship but lets not start unwinding that tangle of knots!

As for being abused by others goes... I should make it very clear that it seldom ends well (for them) because if nothing else my life has taught me excruciatingly well on how to deal with it in a very direct and efficient manner.

Which yeah sounds mildly sinister but what it amounts to is, removing folks from the fabric of my life in such a way that they become mere specters of a memory that eventually fade from my mind completely.

In other words I do not allow abusers to haunt nor 'hold power' over me (yeah that is a laughable sentiment), my decisions, my recollections, nor my dreams (or pursuit) of a better life. It was a difficult lesson to learn but I learned it well.

Personally one of the things that really gets my hackles up in this scenario is that yup I should have seen 'which way the wind was blowing' and done my best to change course (or jump ship entirely) long before things got to where they are.

There are in fact many reasons why I did not but they mainly boil down to: I made a deal, gave my word and stuck to it... and quite simply... I trusted in others to do the same.

Yeah, I know that all too many folks would take such a breach of trust to one extreme or another and vow to 'never trust anyone again' or some other nonsense like that.

When it comes right down to it though, I am 'made of sterner stuff' and yeah am just an all around more resilient person than demeaning my personage over the poor behaviors of others.

Sure the temptation to do so is always there but the resistance to such a temptation is wholly more rewarding than the caving into it can (or will) ever be. Call it 'taking the high road' if you will.

But... (and yeah I mean but) when it comes right down to it that sort of sentiment itself is rather demeaning and in no way reflects the commitment I have made to myself to travel the middle road whilst warily watching both the 'high' and the 'low' roads that are so often traveled by others. I mean hell if I find the middle road getting too damn crowded I veer off into the wilderness and make my own road!

Alright, it is now later in the afternoon and although I should be squeezing in a nap I am going to do some more writing instead.

The weather prediction for the day turned out to be quite off because eventually this morning the clouds cleared from the skies and the sun came out and remained shining brightly for the rest of the day. Who knows if the same will happen tomorrow but if I am lucky then I can get in another mildly productive day like I did today.

It may well turn stormy later (closer to sunset) but at least I was able to finally get some more stuff in the shop tent sorted through (yeah the stench of rat piss is still all too strong in my nostrils) and get a bunch of stuff burned in the fire pit.

With all the recent rain and the moldy conditions in the tent I even wound up burning all those grapevines that I collected for dream-catchers this last winter. Had I started on them when I had planned to they would have avoided that fate but what is one more loss at this point?

Aside from all that (and lots of tending the fire) I once again poured water down the cinder-block pillars around here in an effort to knock the rodent piss smell down but for whatever reason it did not seem to work as well as it did last time. That may well be because they have moved into the solar shack itself and much of the odor that I keep smelling is coming from in there.

It is perhaps worth mentioning that while I was burning stuff I did my best to keep the dogs inside and hold my breath when I was near the fire to the best of my ability and stay well out of the path of the smoke. Because yeah, most of what got burned was covered in rodent feces and I did not want me or the dogs breathing it in and perhaps having our health suffer because of it. I have enough damn issues at the moment and prefer not to have more to deal with!

Usually when I have a fire like that I let it burn down to the point where it is all ashes (unless I am making biochar) but this time I just let it burn down most of the way (about to the point where I would smother it to make biochar) and then dowsed it all with water to put it out. Generally I find some small satisfaction in making ashes but this time the experience was yet again a brisk one that left me thinking: I am glad that is over!

Well, I think that about covers everything for now and although the notion of 'letting sleeping dogs lie' did cross my mind in regards to my current scenario I could not shake the feeling that I needed to word things down in an effort to free myself from their weight. Because let me tell you it is all weighing on me, I feel the strain and am no closer to finding a place be.

For all intents and purposes I have already resigned myself to the idea that I have reached the proverbial 'end of my rope' and there is no escaping the dead-end in life that I find myself in. As bleak as all that sounds it is merely 'how I see it' and I best not bullshit myself otherwise.

The maddening thing is that regardless of (and in spite of) all that I keep plugging along putting one foot in front of the other, doing everything that I can to change course, find a way to make it through unscathed and not give up.

P.S. Yeah, this is the last entry that I will be remarking upon all that convoluted 'how it worked out here' jazz... because alas I finally got it out of my system and good fucking riddance to it!

I sincerely hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.

All the dream-catcher vines getting turned to ash!

Thanks for reading!

Please check out the Homesteading Community:
https://peakd.com/c/hive-114308/created

Homesteading Resources:https://peakd.com/hive-114308/@jacobpeacock/homesteading-resources

Want to join Hive?Sign Up Via My Referral Below!https://peakd.com/register?ref=jacobpeacock

That Is All For Now!

Cheers! & Hive On!