To the monster of my childhood | Writings of an Unbalanced Mind LXII

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I know you're here, I've been feeling your presence for days, I've heard you again during the nights, I pretend to be asleep, you know I pretend to be asleep, but you don't force me to see you, you don't force me to meet you again, I know I don't hurt you by ignoring you, but the thought of it hurts me.

Sitting in front of the mirror on the wall of my room I light a candle, there is no electricity, a storm lashes the whole city, and although it is horrible, your presence alone turns the rain into dew and the thunder into birdsong in the morning, when the sun is giving life to the world and we all want to go on without getting out of bed.

The candlelight is so dim that you dare to come out from under the bed, I had completely forgotten how tall you were, almost two meters, I never questioned how you fit under my bed, or in the closet, I only knew that you did the impossible to run away from the knives of the world and not bleed when you only wanted to give comfort.

I was afraid to see you, that you would see what I had become just to survive, I was afraid that you would be disappointed in me when you saw what I was not, many years have passed since the last time I left you a letter under the bed, many years have passed since I remembered your existence.

I see you through the reflection of the mirror and I begin to cry hugging my knees, you know why, you are why, I remembered you with scales, with sharp claws and abysses for eyes, I remembered you as an animal that the world repudiated, I remembered you in many ways, but not with my face.

I learned to run from you because I was told you were evil, I learned to hate and despise you because I was told you were evil, I forgot you believing I would survive without you and look at me, I can barely stand, I know if I look back I won't see you, but I feel your hand on my shoulder when I see you in the reflection of the mirror.

I know I see you because it's finally time to let you go, even if it hurts, it's time for you to come back to me, even if it hurts, it's time to send the world to hell and learn to live in my true self, even if it hurts, and even if it hurts I will do it because I have you next to me, I have me next to you, it's time for the monster of my childhood to transform and torment all those who prevented it from coming to the light of day.

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Al monstruo de mi infancia | Escritos de una mente desequilibrada LX - III

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Sé que estás aquí, llevo días sintiendo tu presencia, te he vuelto a escuchar durante las noches, me hago el dormido, sabes que me hago el dormido, pero no me obligas a verte, no me obligas a encontrarme de nuevo contigo, sé que no te hiero al ignorarte, pero pensarlo me hiere a mí.

Sentado frente al espejo en la pared de mi cuarto enciendo una vela, no hay electricidad, una tormenta azota a toda la ciudad, y aunque es horrible, tu sola presencia convierte la lluvia es rocío y los truenos en el canto de los pájaros por la mañana, cuando el sol está dándole vida al mundo y todos queremos seguir sin salir de la cama.

La luz de la vela es tan tenue que te atreves a salir de abajo de la cama, había olvidado por completo qué tan alto eras, casi dos metros, nunca cuestioné cómo cabías debajo de mi cama, o en el armario, solo sabía que hacías lo imposible para huir de los cuchillos del mundo y no sangrar cuando solo querías dar consuelo.

Tenía miedo de verte, de que vieras en lo que me había convertido solo para sobrevivir, tenía miedo de que te decepcionaras de mí al ver lo que no era, muchos años han pasado desde la última vez que te dejé una carta bajo la cama, muchos años han pasado desde que recordara tu existencia.

Te veo por el reflejo del espejo y comienzo a llorar abrazando mis rodillas, sabes el por qué, tú eres el por qué, te recordaba con escamas, con garras afiladas y abismos por ojos, te recordaba como un animal que el mundo repudiaba, te recordaba de muchas formas, pero no con mi rostro.

Aprendí a huir de ti porque me dijeron que eras malo, aprendí a odiarte y despreciarte porque me dijeron que eras malo, te olvidé creyendo que sobreviviría sin ti y mírame, apenas puedo mantenerme en pie, sé que si miro hacia atrás no te voy a ver, pero siento tu mano sobre mi hombro cuando te veo en el reflejo del espejo.

Sé que te veo porque finalmente es tiempo de dejarte ir, aunque duela, es tiempo de que vuelvas a mí, aunque duela, es tiempo de mandar a la mierda al mundo y aprender a vivir en mi verdadero ser, aunque duela, y aunque duela lo voy a hacer, por te tengo junto a mí, me tengo a mí junto a ti, es tiempo de que el monstruo de mi infacia se transforme y atormente a todos los que evitaron que saliera a la luz del día.

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