Breathe In..... Breathe Out

Lana looked warily at the old house. How ready was she to take this step? What would come out of it? Would she get the healing she so desperately wanted? Would she finally be free? All these thoughts wandered in her mind as she looked at the big brass gate.

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It had been fifteen years since she ran away and didn’t look back. Back then her name had been Joy. Joy Summers. But that name, that life and that person had died the day she walked out of this house. Laughing to herself, she thought of how ironic it was. Even as she tried to rid herself of that dreadful name, the name she chose was still similar.

Left for Joy Summers, now Lana Myers, she would never be here. There was no need to try to uncover what had been long buried. What had been dead to her for years now But her therapist had told her that she’d never be free if she didn’t go back. Back to where it all began. Lana knew she was right but it didn’t make her feel any better about it.

She was still staring at the brass gate when a powerful wind blew, pushing the gate open before her. Was that supposed to be a sign to enter?

“I don’t need any intervention or motivation from you, thank you.” She said scowling at the sky. Sobering, Lana took in a deep breath, weighing the pros and cons. She could turn back now and put this whole farce behind her but at what cost? A continuous life of meaninglessness, like the one she had been living? A life filled with emptiness and that ever-present weight she felt in her chest. Not entirely suffocating at first but there, like a plague.

Recently, when it had become too overbearing to ignore, she’d gone to her therapist. The one that had been there for her these past years and who was more or less her only family. Maggie’s face appeared in her mind’s eye as she remembered her words.

“You can’t move forward if you’re still haunted by the bitterness of your past. Confront it, and maybe then you’ll find peace.”

That was the final push she needed. Expelling the breath she had been holding, Lana walked in. As she slowly pushed the heavy front door open, she was welcomed by a heavy blow of dust. Coughing for a few minutes, she gasped. “Yeah, I know you don’t want me here, you don’t have to emphasize it,” she said to the room. It was dark and dingy and smelt of rotting wood. A mansion on the brink of collapse. She walked towards the dining room and stopped. The memories that gushed into her head choked her like a pebble in her throat.

Swallowing hastily, she ambled her way upstairs to her room. Her haven. She almost knocked on the door but stopped herself in time. Taking a deep breath like before, she turned the rusted knob and walked in. What her eyes met left her in shock, for her room was….clean.

Not clean, spotless.

The bed looked like it had been recently made and there wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere. The room was decorated in purple. Her favourite colours then. Or, Joy’s colours. There were pictures everywhere. Of her beatific smiles, mischievous grins and her wide, open mouth as she laughed that laugh of hers that her dad once said reminded him of angels.

There were tears in her eyes as she moved from the pictures and made it to the wardrobe. There were stick-up notes attached to it. Several of them.

“I named you Joy because from the day I knew you were coming, I never stopped smiling.”

“You are the reason I smile even when I’m facing stress at work. Because I know your smile is waiting for me when I get home.”

“No one means as much to us as you do Our Joy.”

“Keeping this right here because we know you’ll be back. We love you, today and always.”

By the third note, Lana had started sobbing loudly. Her parents never hated her. They’d never stopped loving her. And now she felt terrible because she knew she’d contributed to their deaths. Oh, how terrible that she killed her parents with her selfishness.

She heard a gasp behind her and turned to meet the bulging eyes of someone she thought she’d never see again.

“Nurse Mariah….” Lana croaked.

A weeping woman flew into her arms. Her once strong hands were now thin and papery but she squeezed her with all the love she now had in her.”

“I never thought I’d see the day you return Joy.”

“I’m so sorry Nurse Mariah. My parents…. Everyone. Oh, I was so selfish.”

“Shush my child. Look, you’re all grown up now. Not the straggly wee lass that kept running down the halls eh…?” Nurse Mariah grinned. “I kept this place clean. Not a teensy speck of dust on it. I knew you’ll be back.”

“Oh, Nurse-”

“Enough of that now. Remember what I always told you. Weeping never did any good - ”

“Except ruining a perfectly good dress.” Lana completed smiling with red-rimmed eyes. “I remember Nurse Mariah.”

“Now know this,” Nurse Mariah began. “Your parents loved you. They never stopped and they love you even now. Don’t be carrying all that burden on your shoulders and remember that you have all of this,” she said, gesturing at the house, “to remind you of their love.”

As they joked and chatted and reminisced on old times, planning renovations of the mansion and laughing spiritedly at their bizarre ideas, Lana felt the burden lift off. Her spirits became lighter. She had reunited with her past and with her family even though there were no more and she knew deep within her, that she was now whole. Maybe not perfectly whole. But she was on her way there. Reaching out for her phone, she called Maggie to share the good news.

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