Journey to Love

She winced in pain, clutching her chest and gasping for air like a spear had thrust through her chest to her heart. She looked at her phone. Her vision already becoming blurry, tears so hot, that it actually hurt, streamed down her face.


“I’m sorry Yada. I can’t keep pretending like we’re making progress in this relationship. I’ve been so patient with you, trusting that in time you’ll let go of your insecurities and try to trust me a bit. You’ve been so cold and I’ve spent the past year trying to break through that invincible wall of ice that you've built around yourself. I want to love a human, not a stone. Maybe we’ll meet in another life, and just maybe, things wouldn't be so difficult.”


Was she really so mean?

Was it her fault that she couldn’t bring herself to loving someone wholeheartedly?

Was it her fault that the thought of giving herself completely to a person scared her senseless?

Was it her fault that her first boyfriend left her so jaded and cynical, after finding out of his affair with her best friend?

Was it her fault that she’d loved him so obsessively only to be treated like dirt?

Was it her fault that she believed she had to hurt a guy first so that he won’t hurt her?

Was it her fault that she vowed never to bare her emotions completely to another human being?

Was it her fault that she felt that she was no more capable of showing love?

How could she love when she’d never experienced a mother’s love?

How could she love when she’d never experienced a father’s care?

How could she love when her whole life had been a series of betrayals, and disloyalty.

How could she love when she'd seen other people, being destroyed by same people that said they loved them.

How could she love when she knew within her, she’d never be able to reciprocate.

And how could she love when she had never known what it means to Love.

She knew something had to change.

Azaiah leaving was the last straw.

She was determined to be better.

Striving and working hard to improve herself, not for anyone…but for herself.

She had discovered how to find love.

She was going to destroy her walls of solidified water, and instead turn it to a force of unbreakable love.

It wasn’t going to be easy.

But she was determined to try.

She would learn how to Trust.

She would learn how to Give.

She would learn how to Forgive.

She would learn how to Hope.

She would learn how to be Happy.

And above all, she would learn to Love Herself.

Because she knew she couldn’t give what she didn’t have.

So she vowed from that day…

To fill her heart with love, so that she would be able to give others that love.

It was decided.

She wiped her tears, and broke into a smile.


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