Laying Back, "Blending" In

Blending in, being invisible, waiting to be called, not showing body too much_{(slang for being a showoff or someone who just thrives on the spotlight.)} All those things are virtues I hold dearly to myself. I’ve had more than my fair share of negative spotlight and I’ve realised the countless times the power the invisible people have over those who are simply always out there. I'm living by it now.

School started and I said to myself, I’ll blend in. I won’t even volunteer to answer questions. I’ll sit at the back, say hello to a few people so that I won’t come off as a snob, and go my way. Then, there was a need to elect course representatives. Don’t look at me, I didn’t even blink and promptly declined when the one friend I’d instantly made the very first day I started school, nudged me and said I would fit well in that position.

But then the whole class was being rowdy about it and my friend said again, “Why are they so noisy? Can’t someone lead the class? Tessa, go.” I looked her dead in the eye but smiled sweetly and told her to stop volunteering me for things she didn’t want to do. But the noise was getting at me, the ruckus was starting an itch. And before I could let that voice that was singing in my heart, don’t you dare, Tess, take control of me. I stood up and said, “Can I have some quiet, please.”

Let me say one thing before I continue. I do not have a commanding voice. I mean, I’ve been in leadership roles and given a few speeches in front of crowds, by God’s grace, but my voice in my opinion doesn’t have that, what should I call it, maybe zing? that a lot of people seem to have. And so when the eyes of fifty college students swivelled to me and stopped chattering instantly, I was so shocked that I let a silly grin sweep my face.

However, I didn’t want them to think I'm loony so I ceased my grinning after about two and a half seconds and cleared my throat. I started talking to them about how we would elect a deputy course rep. The course rep had already been chosen a couple of days ago. Surprise surprise, it was a guy, who chose himself by the way. And when I asked the girl who seemed like she could lead why she wasn’t leading, she said, “How can I be the course rep when guys are there?” I didn’t say anything then and I won’t say anything now since it’s not the topic at hand. It is well.

Back to the story.

Most of the girls had their choice representative already but I sensed that some of them were not in agreement so when it was about to be imposed that the popular girl got the position, I insisted that the floor be thrown open to anyone else who wanted to vie for the position. A girl who had shown leadership qualities in the first week of school indicated. And when we had the candidates ready, I talked about the need to elect people not based on sentiments but because they knew and trusted in their capabilities.

I failed however to talk about the need to be fair in the election. I mean, we’re all suffering in my country right now because we had an electoral body that had no respect for the people and rigged the entire election. And most of us in that class were Law students. So, I should have emphasized the need to be as honest as possible. I mean I was the Electoral Officer in that moment but rigging could happen from the grassroots.

Hence when the election was held, which was simply writing the letter of the person they wanted between the two candidates and submitting them to me for counting, I knew something was wrong. And even when one of the friends of the popular girl beckoned on me and presented more folded papers of supposed “students” that hadn’t been submitted, I rejected them but it didn’t occur then that maybe more papers had already been added.

It was counted by me and a witness, who was my friend and the popular girl won by 5. I felt sad, and not just because the person I felt was fit for the role hadn’t gotten the position, but because I could have handled it better, notwithstanding it being my first time conducting an election. Especially since after I encouraged everyone to support their new leader whether or not they voted for her, I heard the actual Course rep mutter that he was used to it. Voting for someone and having another be elected instead. The newly elected deputy was asked by me to give the class a vote of thanks and she said a shabby one-liner like, “Glad you all voted...” and giggled as she flounced to her seat.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself. I mean, even the girl who didn’t win came to me and said that she liked the way I led the class and appreciated my efforts to be fair. It soothed me a bit but somehow I felt even more terrible. I won’t attribute it to the fact that we don’t always get what we want, but that I’ve learnt a valuable lesson and that next time, if I’m ever asked to do something like that, I’ll know what to do.

Jhymi🖤

_{P.S: I'd like to think that I'm back to being invisible. But somehow, I feel more eyes on me than before. Smh.}

Image is mine.