When the night comes
I cling to the lyrics and beats of music to help me forget things or maybe dwell and overthink things. I search for quotes that resonate with my emotions to help me clear my thoughts or point me in a direction I think maybe where I’m going. I seek to find intimacy in places where I would be understood and heard. I guess it is the intimacy I need not to relieve my stress but to have bare my heart out and exchange my energy.
For years I fought the waves and lost myself in my thought and forget that I was the ocean.
I get scared that when the night comes, I will be awake all alone with myself and my noisy thought. I get so scared of the train of thoughts that run its wheels in my mind, always so conscious of the next step and decisions I make so that I may not make a mistake or repeat the mistakes of my past.
When the night comes, I lay in bed with thoughts raging to free when i try to sleep; and then they break free.
- "Are you good enough?"
- "Don't you know you are getting dumb every day?"
- "What do you think mum and dad think of you?"
- "Why are you trying so hard to forget what you wrote to dad?"
- "Why are you trying so hard to love someone you know will never love you?"
- "You are not enough"
- "You are dirty mentally and physically"
- "What would you say to your child now?"
- "Why do you keep keeping yourself to motivate someone who doesn't even need yourself?"
- "Nobody listens"
- "Everyone just seems so happy and in control of their life but look at you, you are a mess"
- "A beautiful mess"
- "What are you doing to build yourself?"
- "You really need a therapy session"
- "What about the promises you made to God, have you kept them?"
- "Do you think anyone will want you?"
- "Yeah, what are you at?"
- "Why do you seem too pessimistic even when you want too optimistic"
why don't you write a letter to that friend? - "Why does it look like everyone is moving forward and improving and you are not?"
- "Those pictures you took it only they could give you what you feel"
- “You are so clingy”
- “Do you think he's tired of you?”
I let these thoughts follow stupidly and end up criticizing myself for thinking things; I look for books to read to finish or expel the thoughts then sleep comes.