Living Expenses Without The Motivation To Hustle
I had a series of unfortunate events that were happening before the uneventful passing of my brother, but I reacted quite rashly to these situations and made terrible judgments and calls because of panic.
I didn't think properly, I decided to act, damn the consequences of that action provided it would provide momentary relief, I didn't look at the advantages of making the right call, because I feel the disadvantage of being in that situation looks terrible.
Indeed it was terrible
....but I had properly weighed my choices, free from sentiments and fear, over time, making the right choice, devoid of instincts of fear, I might have made the right calls.
I was busy trying to fix things I broke, instead of allowing myself to see that I didn't entirely break what I thought I broke. However, this is what fear does to you. During this period, I lost my brother. I was so caught up in fixing my life problems that I didn't think something could be fatally wrong, but then nothing was fatally wrong on the surface, we still cannot explain what happened medically.
I like to move on from this.
I'm back to trying to fix my life again. The void..... the emptiness that's in my soul cannot be filled, because this loss is irreplaceable, but going forward I'm trying to seek answers in a different dimensional approach other than what is physically comprehensible.
The more I try to understand what physically happened, the more confused and angrier I get, I've been praying a lot these days, some simple affirmative words seem to help and give me a different kind of assurance, and I'd like to continue moving forward.
I spoke to one of my cousins yesterday, she called for condolences, but she sucked at doing it. She ended up making me feel tensed and teary, and this dampened my mood again.
This again confirmed my theory that accessing people in time of pain poke at your soft spots, and they might unknowingly open up wounds in you, even if they had good intentions. It takes mental maturity to be sensitive. Howbeit, I still need people for comfort and moving on, it's been hard, but sometimes in an attempt to seek that strength to move on, one just opens wounds that create a setback to the healing process.
I'm still as fragile as anything
....I didn't think I feel so pained even if this happened nearly a month ago, but I guess, it's because of the familial closeness and the harsh reality that I'll have to battle this alone.
No matter the illusion of comfort, the reality is that I understand that I'm physically alone in this battle, the thoughts tear me up, but living in this reality is better than being in a bubble.
Yesterday was the first time I fully resumed back to my work activities, the time I spent didn't take my mind off anything contrary to what people are saying, however, I see it as a step towards progress.
I have responsibilities
.....bills are already piling and my bank account is nearly empty. If I shop for food this evening, I'll have to pay the electricity bills in a day or two, I need to buy groceries, and inasmuch as I still feel inebriated from everything, I still have to cater for my expenses. I can't say condolences have done me any good.
I realized that I'm the only one who can decide to heal, involuntarily, I don't want to, I feel a large part of me is no more, and I'll probably not remain the same again, but some biological changes might just alter this a little, perhaps if I start a family of my own.
Interested in some more of my works
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Nigeria: A Unique Business Market & Industry
Virtual Bank Apps In Nigeria: An Experience Of Gamification
How To Find The Next "BIG" Meme Coin
Personal Finance: Achieving Intentional "Saving" Goals
Playing The Survival Game: Human Nature In Introspection
"Un-PAYING" The Debt You Owe
Sometimes people have good intentions but conveying it the right way is a skill many dont have.
However, no matter how people make us feel, finding another purpose(to keep fighting) will help heal our wounds. Love heals wounds love left.
Yes, you're right. This is why it's good to reflect and ponder well, so good intents might not come out in a rather damaging way
.
You probably don't want to hear this but I'm telling you anyway ;<)
You could solve ( some of ) your financial issues and let go of a lot of stress,
by powering down some Hive and paying bills with it.
In fact, it might actually make you feel good,
helps to get rid of the scarcity feeling ( like you don't have enough ),
like there is no flow ( of energy ).
Everything is energy, my friend and money is just a number.
Also, you are earning on here daily, so no need to see it as a loss, even in a bear market.
Take care and pleae don't be so hard on yourself.
High five yourself in the mirror, every morning
( a trick I learnt yesterday ) and smile at your reflection ;<)
Big hug!
I am actually planning for some huge expenses sometime in January or April. So I'm trying to save offline by getting some menial jobs done. As for powering down, I might do that later, but I want to keep managing my finances, because I don't know how far my financial commitments in January might drain me.
I see and understand.
I was thinking of a way to make things easier for you ( for the time being ), like taking some HBD out of your savings and swapping it, by using a service like simpleswap.io.
No idea how easy or hard that is in Nigeria though.
Anyhow, the choice is totally up to you :<)
You will get through this, buddy.
Yeah, I understand. I'm saving HBD up for that big expenses in January. It will take than I planned, so that's why I'm just letting it be and finding other means to pay for my primary expenses
Okay. Hope you find another way :<)
There are lots to do. And it is nice seeing you speak of the future with your family. Sometimes, we don't fix things, we learn from them, and it becomes a useful experience in the long run.
You are doing well. Just keep going.
Well, It's hard to think of a way to go. My life is probably as empty, for someone who once enjoyed being alone. I have learned, I pray I'll not have to learn of loss again.
You are going through a rough patch, but that doesn't mean your life is empty. There's a lot in your life that can only be seen when you start healing. You have more than you know to continue edging forward.
I'm hopeful, but in reality, it's a big pile of pain and mess, for someone who reflects and regrets, I hope I begin to stop seeing the emptiness soon
Hmmm.... it is tough. But seeing those things will make you grow. I hope the empty space is filled up with gracious positive vibes.
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Thank you
I understand the fact that you are trying to move on with your life and I guess that is why you mostly come here everyday to talk about various things that you have gone through
Healing may take time but trust me, you'll be fine and God gat you forever
I don’t know whether I am right or wrong but when I speak or spend time with someone who just had trauma of any kind….i just try to avoid talking about that.…i just try to keep that one aware from that scenario…. Secondly I believe that in actions more than words...what about supporting one through words just and not doing anything that can actually relieve him.
I just wish you may become able to cut down your expenses and add to your income so that you don't get the defaulted
Some people sucks at consoling others and makes the matters worse, it's why I try to stay away from some people, while their intents are good. They unknowningly hurt others grievous ways.
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I agree that sometimes intentions don't lead to good results, but I still think it's nice for them to drop in on you. I hope you recover soon and life continues on regardless. I am glad to see that you are making some steps forward.
Great post and the fact that you are still here despite all that has happened, means your mission on earth is not yet fulfilled. We are all in a dilemma of finding out our mission but once the mission is done, we move on or die. That's just my perspective. Thank you for sharing and keep enjoying your week :}