The Dollar Or Naira Value Of Love: How Much Can You Afford?
So my aunt came to my house to ask me when I was going to be getting married, then I thought to myself, in the middle of all the financial Chaos how could she even think about that? She saw my reaction and followed it up with the idea that we could pay the bride price in bits, and if possible I could keep paying it like a bank loan for as long as I want.
It was obvious I was broke, it's always easy to spot how broke you are, it's a thing we can comfortably do on this side of the world. I mean, some people can create the illusion that they're broke by wearing cheap shoes and chains using an Android instead of an iPhone, (not many people know that some androids are more expensive than iPhone 13 pro max)
But, we have more people who are broke than those who are only pretending to be broke. My aunt was quick to imply that I was older than her son and he has just gotten married, but what she didn't point out was that her son plays football in Sweden I guess, and earned in a far better currency.
So apparently, the boy welcomed the idea of marriage, because he was rich now. He never would have if he wanted rich enough. His personality was the "get rich before true love" type of person. Another thing was that he had the right girl he was in love with I don't know if she truly loved him or was incentivized by his utterly bright future and his present financial status.
What I know was that they were always on TikTok brandishing the latest iPhones (I couldn't help but calculate the price of two iPhone 13 pro max and that was over $2300) wearing matching clothes, and taking those pictures where you could smell the wealth even if you were color blind. This assessment wasn't because I was hating, believe me, that boy had struggled all his life to secure a footballing career in Europe even if he wasn't earning at his peak yet, he was the atypical breadwinner, at 26 or 27.
He had gone through hell and sold properties to secure the life he has now, I just could help thinking that the lady with him is there for the money, I don't know their story, their life, I can't pretend to understand how they got hitched, but damn, I'm not finding a wife when (if) I become rich.
Why?
Because I don't think people should set a time frame for when they're rich as the right time to find love but the ironic part is I also don't think people should go into anything commitments if they don't have the money to bear the responsibilities that comes with being in love.
There's no parley, these things haunt me and I can't seem to come to a consensus. Listen, I don't exactly think love should be tethered to a particular economic condition what if that wasn't there, can we comfortably stay hungry and still have the altruistic reason for marriage as a sustainable essence? Trust me, I've been there.
I choose not to be there, why? It's unlogical I was talking to @starstrings01 yesterday on WhatsApp and I realized that most young men want the same thing when it comes to love, but we can't help but imagine being broke and seeing the outcome of that union. When my aunt suggested that I could pay the bride price like a loan, it had me thinking, "why should my financial situation be a thing when it comes to love and marriage?"
Since I'd need to have some money to maintain a workable relationship, why should one of my motivations for working hard by being able to get love, what price are we talking about? I mean, forgive my rambling, some people have gotten so lucky with finding something that sticks, but from where I'm coming from, it feels hard.
Some people have adverbs for qualifying others; hot, ugly, cute, endowed, most importantly being rich can just buy you a pass. I mean, love is always tethered to something, it's quite difficult for people to admit the deepest reasons they're attracted to a person. This is because when we do, then it's difficult to call it love. Love has taken credit at some point, but deep down people create a list, and when this checks, they suddenly accredit it to love.
The concept of marriage scares me, the thoughts make me vulnerable. I do not think we should make men the ultimate providers, I mean. They'll go through the stress of convincing the lady to like them, if they're lucky the lady might and it becomes easier if they're not, it's a series of stress and it becomes virtually impossible.
But what's the whole point? If I am going to be the provider, the breadwinner, why should I have to do the bigger job of convincing you to be with me?
But if she eventually decides to accept at the end of the day, the circumstances would be that she was jilted by another lover, or the incentive to love the person is just there. I just can't help thinking, what if I run into a scam and I was duped, ran into debts then become poor, what will become of such a marriage where the person was convinced to marry me because the money was initially there? This is purely rhetorical and I leave you to reflect on it.
Nevertheless
There are societies where the two genders can be providers, but it's not the same in the society where I come from, but I think lessening the disparity would create less emphasis on money when it comes to love. As for my aunt, her intentions came from a good place, sheer love for her nephew. But I won't be caught in a situation where I'll run into debts because of paying bride price.
Neither will I be paying it like a bank loan, because it's not worth it. Running into debt for the sake of love and commitment, I mean, it sounds superficial. Some people would say, "oh why not go into something cheaper?" If you read the subsequent paragraphs you'll understand why. The truth is that everything is like a yarn, twisted and twirling. I'll leave you to reflect on this one
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😂 Your aunt loves you too much and she's really craving a wedding party, the loan part got me. I've heard about people having debts for throwing parties way bigger than their financial capabilities but bride price?
Infact, I thought they stopped collecting that already. Someone told me recently that it's just for the culture and most families actually return it on the basis that they're not selling their daughter. Thank God you know and stand for what you want, else...😂
Good for your cousin. I can imagine them being the models for the "couple goals" movement 😂. And you can just be optimistic and wish them the best. They're in it already and God help them.
Yeah, so many things have come under the umbrella "love" these days and people are now marry for various ridiculous reasons. I would reason like you if I were in the same shoes.
For the convincing part, I don't think that can be completely eradicated. As a lady, I want to be sure the guy truly likes me too, you can attest to the fact that many people of your gender are (I can't find the word: dangerous? Deceptive?😂). Well, you'll still need some convincing too if the trust is there but the trust is usually the big issue.
And as for her not being a scam, I feel you'll be a great judge at that. I don't know how you guys do it but I don't think I'll ever want to be with someone I don't know to a substantial level. I think friendship is a great idea at first. Building a friendship basically answers most of your questions. That's when you decide if she's trustworthy and you gain her trust as well. And you subtly tell her of your intentions, as a girl, I wouldn't want a guy shoving his feelings on me, nah. Be subtle but clear. You can tell if she's receptive or not. All that time, you're already sure she's reasonable.
As for providing, you can always discuss that friendship almost courtship level. You can basically get to know how they reason, some mindsets are dangerous 😂. And people are very good at pretending these days, you can't tell people apart from nollywood these days, may God grant us discernment😂.
I think this already is a post under a post. These are just my personal opinions about your ruminations.
And one thing I'll say is don't think it too much. Don't amplify the fears, they might try to hold you back even when you meet the "right" person. My personal opinion. You'll be just fine ❤️
In reality the igbos still collect heavy and huge bride prices, I recently buried my mum and I still had to pay a lot of money to the family which has left me in the financial situation I am currently. Sometimes people are actually selling their daughter when they say they're not selling them, and I have particular seen where parents are choosing spouses for their children simply because they want to milk the cow (the groom to be)
A lot of situation that involves this attraction of a thing can be ridiculous and you are right when you say deception is always flying all around.
I don't know how the whole thing works. But what I feel is that I have seen so much fakery in life and fakery is what I'm always wary of, there's always a hidden agenda. It's always beauty, looks or money. It's so tiring and frustrating.
Well a lot of people discern amiss even when they think they're doing it rightly. I don't want to reveal too much, but the reality of the situation is that it's tough out there. It's the jungle out there.
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So true...its a freaking jungle bro. Its how both sides want traditional conservative men or women with a slice of freakiness...Na God hand ih dey sha
Wow. That's super serious.
Eweee. Make God just dey help person. For this Nigeria ehn, boya singleness is sweet o, make we dey enjoy "singlehood" go 😂😂.
It's all going to be fine, I'm sure.
Thank you for that blistering comment... Phew!!! You blew me away.
More reason why some of us are unmarried.
Marriage is not child's play when finance and all factors considered, it just becomes scary.
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The financial aspect isn't a child's play and sometimes the fear of how it could go wrong keeps people at bay.
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Its even worse abroad where you could lose everything in a divorce as a man.
Women are incentivised to devourse a man...If you check on tic tok you'll see videos of women celebrating their divorce online
Well whenever I say this, it's perceived as if I'm aggrandizing the whole thing. You've stated the truth and nothing but the truth..
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Its heart breaking...one guy lost his children, houses and cars...he was in his 50s...he said the last time he was this broke was in his early 20s...imagine that...also he lost his job battling the case so...everything gone.
Later society will be confused as to why men are committing suicide 3 times more.
Love doesn't wait for the bull season :)
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Hahaha it sure doesn't.
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Omo, I have heard people say marry even when you don't have... But believe me, a lot of things will go wrong. Love will diminish.
My boss had told me once when I was 19 and I was dating this guy, and every time my boss brings something closer to cheating, I'll get angry, and he told me, I might be thinking that dating and finally getting married revolves around love alone, but it doesn't. He said, at some point, love will diminish, and what will remain is value.
It didn't make sense then because I was small and inexperienced. But those words never left my memory. Now, growing up, and getting to understand life a bit more, I have realized my boss was right.
No man should marry if he doesn't have the means to provide for his wife and children. Especially if he is a lazy person. It's different if a woman marries someone who doesn't have enough but always tries to find a way to provide for them while promising a better future. Than if she marries the lazy one who would rather watch them all starve, sit back and complain, and even leave the feigning burden to her alone, without any iota of shame that he isn't able to provide for his family.
Men who feel ashamed of not being able to provide for their loved ones are rare, and if a woman catches these, she better holds him tight. Cos the opposite man will bring her woes and untimely death... Hahaha
In reality, love will always be equated with so many things in life. I do believe that attraction and love is very important when it comes to committed relationships. But I just do not like the idea of being 100% provider and breadwinner and still being rushed into borrowing a loan. The concept of law of works better in some other societies, but it doesn't here. I have seen Yahoo boys who are planning to get married on their own unsteady source of income.
Once they have seen a very beautiful girl with every sexy thing that tickles them they decide it's time to Marry.
This is why I'm always of the opinion that no matter how small it is a woman should be bringing a lot of things to be table that should be beneficial for such Union to work especially in the future when things might change.... beauty dies, attraction too.
It is so ironic that this shouldn't be the focal Point, what are the end of the day day truth is people should find things they can bring to the table to make a union work.
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Which still boils down to the value my boss talked about. Both parties have to bring value in order for it to work
Well, that the absolute truth, but why will someone choose to bring any value if they think they're beautiful?
Haha.... Yet, a lot of male folks don't like the feminist who try to be independent of a man... What do you want to do nau? 🤧😂🤷
Forget it. The world is fucked up. If you find someone whose values aligns with yours.. consider yourself Lucky.
Until then, keep searching. The universe will definitely grant you your heart desires.
Loool I'm actually not searching, the reason I asked that question was because it's what's rampant nowadays when people think they have good looks it becomes a huge chunk of value they think they should bring.
Hey, @josediccus, when you say it's happening nowadays it seems as though it started with our generation.
But I disagree. Nothing in the world is new. All of the things we see happening have always been happening.
It happened to our forefathers too. The only thing that must have changed is the object of value. For them it was a man's hunting, farming, or fishing skills, today, it's money.
And in their time, they had beautiful women too. And they used the hunting, farming, and fishing skills to choose the man they want to marry.
Sometimes this high value hard working man might fail in life...I believe in gender roles though, but in this day and age...women can't just sit at home and be fully taken care off with the children.
As a man you'll do your best cause children at some point are a full time job...but as they grow the woman has to have the ability to work...If possible she should be able to work from home...life is more expensive than it has ever been and if you want to grow finances with the average man (unless you are looking for the top 10% of men) the you will need to work.
I didn't bring the women into this comment because the author focused on the love a man gets as a result of his money.
So all of your points are valid and acceptable. Two partners bringing in funds and resources home takes a huge burden off the shoulder of one.
Yeah...I understand...there is this mentality that some women carry on this issue that is heart breaking.
Don't throw blames yet.
We also have situations where a woman is the breadwinner of the home and what she gets in return is a man who is trying to prove his manliness by sleeping around and spending the money the woman brings to the table.
So most times when my gender decides to be selfish, they have their reasons.
I don't know why, and I am still trying to decipher why men in such marriages or relationships behave like that.
I often think that maybe it's the fact that they haven't moved into their roles of being a provider and have no idea what it means to be able to provide for other people. So, in their lazy hours, the devil workshop starts hitting their heads with nails to misbehave
If you go through your social feed, you will find women laughing their asses out at other women who try to be good and supportive wives in their homes but end up getting betrayed and mocked in the face by the actions of their husbands.
In my quiet time, I concluded that a man who doesn't make an effort to provide for his family regardless of gender roles will always misbehave because he doesn't seem to have any challenges. Nothing to make his adrenaline rush hot. Thus, whatever presents itself as an adrenaline rush, whether it's the chance to produce children out of wedlock or have an affair will sit right with him.
Therefore I have decided in the back of my mind that no matter how much I have and how supportive I want to be to my husband, I'll leave room for him to experience the adrenaline rush of being a provider so he doesn't channel that energy in the wrong direction.
I agree that there are men like this...but do you agree that women preferentially pick these men.
Most girls have a hardworking average guy who is willing to do everything for them but will go for a guy who is not ready to make good choices in life.
Top on some women's list not a loving provider and they wonder why they have an attractive cheater.
These men that behave this way are not exactly applauded in society...so I would think they know what they are doing is horrible. But women are hardly healed responsible for how they select men they allow to be in their lives.
Yes I agree too.
I don't know what's wrong with most of my gender. They allow the fact that they love these men blind them.
They keep thinking they will change. And once they get married and realized their partner won't change, they are afraid to divorce them because of what the society will say.
Omo, I tire abeg.
This is why I told josediccus that if we find someone whose values aligns with ours.... We should consider ourselves lucky... Cos mehn, it's not easy 🥺😩
My dear...Nah so the game go oh...its scary out here
Really. Na oluwa go help us 🙌🙌
Yeah
Taking a loan for a relationship seems weird to to me.
Any girl who doesn't want me without money will not want me when I do...or when I take a loan to marry her.
At the same time the concept of equal gender roles in a relationship doesn't work for me too unless she wants to work...or she doesn't plan on having children.
A lot of what modern day relationships are is becoming detrimental to children. But no one cares...
Great point here, there shouldn’t be equal gender role. Most children are suffering this day in silence
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Exactly.
The Igbo traditional wedding system is a massive cashout for the people who owns the daughter. So my aunt on this occasion was like I could be decided to be indebted to the parents of the lady in question, and be paying the money installmentally.
I saw this as a modern form of slavery and I was wondering, why does it always have to be a man, wouldn't be be better to make some of these things fairer, I mean it's crazy.
You're right about modern day relationships being detrimental to children, this is where some marital institution actually gets it wrong.
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That's very unfortunate...any family intensive about that with this inflation sees their daughter as a tool...
Very thought provoking post.
I think you can still fall in love. But only marry when you can provide for 2 people at least. The same goes for the woman you marry. It's a huge commitment and proper financial planning makes a lot of sense. And it's utterly stupid to take a loan to get married. 😂 Many Indians do that too and spend all of it on celebrations, inviting hundreds of people you are never going to meet afterwards. I would rather spend all that precious money in traveling or investing to secure our futures.
It's utterly stupid to take a loan, this is true, but in some places I know, when a person is close to 30, they're deemed to be matured enough, hence if they don't have money, they can choose to borrow, or enter contracts where they'll pay installmentally to take a wife. I see it as foolhardiness, spending excessively when there's no money at all on people whose has no business with that particular marriage working out.
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Seriously bro. I don't know why when these aunties will stop poking bachelors to get married. Why do they even care? xD Looks like they don't want to see a happy man happy. xD
Happiness is what they actually intend, but they're only meaning it in a way that's absolutely infringing hahaha
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I nearly got married out of stupidity last year but trust me marriage is not a child’s play
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Ah Jesus! I didn't know about this, what actually stopped you?
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I was orientated by my brother and he used his own situation as an example for me
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Na wah o, anyway I think the intent isn't bad, it's just that marriage as an institution requires a lot.
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This morning I saw something on Someone status that the wife refuses to give her husband sex because they married without him paying the bride prize, and yet has not paid the 12million naira loan spent for the wedding.
I was like Jesus, because I was to marry, I would now put so much trouble on my head.
I have come to the conclusion, I cannot marry until I am more than able to feed myself and my family. Plus, do not have a liability as a wife.
This isn't Only the issue, pray to have a spouse that will bring better values to the table. A man's spouse can bring them down no matter how rich they are. The igbos actually take loan to marry a wife, because it's expensive to pay dowry in some of their states.
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Yay! 🤗
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It's a good question from your aunt. Some good things could even when the financial environment is down.
How do you mean?
Just on a lighter note sha...I meant the suggestion from your aunt to pay the dowry in bits if it's possible.
Lool that's the last thing I'll ever do.
Ok
Lol the symbolism of smelling their wealth even if you were color blind is spectacular😂
Man you have me confused right now. You just said you wouldn’t recommend finding love after you get rich or are wealthy, and followed it with but you also don’t want to commit to a relationship if you can’t handle the financial responsibility. Where do we stand on this?🤔
Thank you for taking notice of this disparity and believe me it wasn't a mistake. In reality, I don't want to base any romantic relationship I'll have on money, this means that anyone I'll be getting hitched to, it wouldn't be on the any financial premise, but rather a simple process of getting together. However, I'd hope to get the hitched before having money and this is because it's difficult to spot real love when you have money, however we'd still need money to run a marriage, it's a question of time. Get hitched, then have money later.