Your Income & The Journey Towards Providence
I have a friend who is a full-time breadwinner, studying at the university and also trying to master his tech skills with the hope that he could land some big gigs in the future and establish a business. The funny thing is that he's never in class because he needs to work 7 to 7 to guarantee a certain "X" income to do his breadwinning duties.
He's not married yet, but he's got many sisters and still has his parent to take care of. Seeing the way he works too hard, endangering his life, keeping a very low standard of living, and almost living meagerly despite being a decent earner with the real-time odd gigs he does.
There's never an opportunity to live well
He's always positive about the future and neither cares about the present. He hopes his sisters can get married someday and he'll be left with little or no burden. He reminded me of myself back in the day.
I worked through sickness, terrible weather conditions, and crazy employers, not because I needed to eat or take care of myself, but because I had breadwinning responsibilities that might suffer when I stop endangering myself.
One day, I took the courage to ask him the question "what if you don't make it like plan to?" or something like "What if an accident occurs while endangering your life on a job and you can no longer work again?"
This may sound utterly pessimistic, but the questions I asked him are what happens in reality daily.
Why is this so?
I've seen people who had major accidents, couldn't work again, and their wives left them because they couldn't pay the bills anymore. One of the things I'm not is a crypto FUDster, but I am a real-life FUDster because I believe people should create a certain balance between their outrageous dreams and the impossibility of only good things happening to them.
A lot of people ignore the possibility of reality in their quest to make money and sometimes, this increases the possibility of dangerous things happening to them.
Seeing Need/Wants & The Possibility Of Danger
Being a man categorically means that one day, you'll be responsible for someone even if you don't plan to. This is why some people choose to be celibate because the fear of financial responsibility outweighs the pleasure of having sex.
I'm not saying being responsible is bad, in fact, there's a sense of bravery to it, but sometimes, living for others makes it difficult to live for ourselves. My parents never really lived for me, they did their best, but they made horrible mistakes that even crippled my capacity to provide for myself.
I started odd jobs right from when I was 17, instead of taking care of my frail health, but I jumped right into being a co-breadwinner at 17, lost so many opportunities, from constantly falling ill due to the strain of these jobs and till today I still remain permanently scarred, unable to reach a certain potential.
Inability Can Be Transferred From Persons To Persons.
My childhood taught me that, people should firstly take care of themselves, and ensure a certain financial capacity or level before they choose to be intentional providers.
Back in the day, people weren't taught to be intentional breadwinners, they became breadwinners through ignorance, social and cultural pressure, and lack of exposure.
When people are made breadwinners by circumstances, it makes it difficult for them to reach their potential.
If a cow is constantly milked, without allowing its recovery, then one day the cow will be milked dry, and since it no longer serves the purpose of providing milk, it is dumped.
Some people in life are inadvertent milkers and dumpers,
.....while we mostly feel that it's our duty to keep nurturing them at our detriment, we might be surprised to see that they'll keep thriving even when we're no longer able to provide.
In essence, it's important to prioritize yourself in this breadwinning journey. The first reason is that you'll need to thrive to create an advantage ripple effect.
It's when you're filled up that you can overflow, if you're half-filled and the pressure becomes too much, you'll only flip over, thereby serving no advantage to anyone.
Fill The Jar Before Tipping It
I'm using these anecdotal expressions to explain the breadwinning concept of self-preservation.
Life's always risky when we cannot build ourselves. The loyalty some people owe us stops when they deem us to no longer be useful to them, this is why we should come first irrespective of the external pressure to be a provider by all means.
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It is very true that you can feel you cannot stop working as you have so many responsibilities stacking up! Being cautious and careful is easier to say in hindsight though!
Yeah, a time comes when people feel they cannot stop working, especially because they have a lot of responsibilites and sometimes this outweighs the ability to any imminent danger to our person. But I feel we need to maintain a balance: Safety and work.
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This is very serious. To be a bread winner of the family and again joining it with developing a tech skill is very hard. I can relate with the way this person will feel cus I sure know how this is also. Life sometimes can be hard on us, but we just have to deal with it the way it is to be a better person
Well, sometimes the financial problems we have in life can make us chase money to the detriment of everything in our lives. It only becomes too late when we realize what we've done to ourselves.
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Yeah you are right and that is what I think is causing problem in this current time. Even it affects most relationship you share with people because they mostly build it around money. These things are meant to work on a steady pace and everything takes time
It affects virtually everything. This is why we cannot truly of help to people, unless, we ourselves are in a better position to help. My friend in the post, hasn't even grown enough to help anyone.
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Yeah that's the facet about life, help yourself first before thinking of helping others.
That is what most of us are suffering from. The role of sponsoring most of family members to some level before we seek good things for ourselves. Some people even neglect their own welfare at the expense of catering for their family members. I really enjoyed reading this post!
It's mostly an African thingy. While I salute this bravery, I do feel that sometimes, people should be allowed to grow themselves before they grow others, so they weight or pressure will not be too much.
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Interesting read. I know a few people who are in this position. They have grandiose dreams about their life but they're waiting for their hands to be free from the burdens they're holding.
I think the cultural and social pressure and the lack of exposure is what gets to most people when by circumstance they find themselves in a breadwinner position. It usually comes early, and it being their first time without any preparation, it becomes easy to accept or believe that there is no problem with dedicating their whole life to it and putting themselves on the line if need be.
You're absolutely right, sometimes it's a cultural default and some people are born into it. They don't know the meaning of liberty.... I mean the liberty of living for oneself. They feel it's normally to live that way and that someday it might get better. The problem is that it might not. However, I usually hail the bravery of people like this. Sometimes it's a sociocultural thing.
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Indeed. I also admire their bravery in totally sacrificing their present for a hopeful future. I just wish they had more liberty to live for themselves too while being on their noble task as a breadwinner.
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Very correct, we must build ourselves first before trying to build others but it is always personal when it comes to the family because we are emotionally connected to them and that is why we always make sure we provide food for them.
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This is true, but irrespective, there are people who you're emotionally attached to that wouldn't let you grow, they want to suck you dry before you even reach your potential or peak
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Those people are missing out, there are preventive ways to ensure babies don't pop out.
On a serious note, the breadwinning responsibilities in Africa sometimes get to me, at times we find that a sibling or two is just lazy, a friend of mine was telling me about his cousin to whom he sends money often to support, and the cousin does nothing worthwhile than misspend the money, now the cousin has been a breadwinner in the past so it is now like repayment of favor or whatever term is most suitable for it.
As you asked; what if something happens to the breadwinner? I think this is more like a culture than a responsibility.
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Hahaha I know what you mean, of course. In Nigeria here, people fall pregnant by mistake no matter the preventive measures they take. Something eventually goes wrong and now they have babies they didn't plan for..
There are cousins like that that misuses the Money of their relatives who work so hard for that money. They don't know how it feels to make money, so they mostly misuses that money that's gifted to them.
These people will surely move on if something happens to their breadwinner.
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The best thing is always to take care of oneself. Take care of you first. In a different angle there are lots of women who are in terrible relationships. They give flimsy excuses as to why they are still there maybe because of their children pr what the society will say. When they eventually die due to domestic violence or maybe mental illmess these kids will still manage to survive without her.
Self love first.
There are men that will work and work in order to take care of siblings. Some deny themselves of good living and when eventually things go wrong, these siblings will still survive without him.
That's the reality. Most of the people we think wouldn't survive would actually do especially when the people who give them everything are no longer there. There are times we have to be filled up before we can overflow. While I adore the sacrifice of these people who give their all, I do feel that it pays to prioritize oneself at some certain point in time.
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I'm sure your friend may have thought that you're not only pessimistic but also that you don't care about his future. It is necessary for him to always have a backup plan and though it would be inconsiderate to say that he should take it easy considering the fact that he literally has a whole family to take care of, the dangers that having a mental or physical breakdown will thwart whatever plans he has. I found this incredibly insightful. Thanks for sharing.🌺
Well, he knows I wasn't being pessimistic, he was sensible enough to know that I was only being pragmatic and concerned for his future, so he totally gets it. However, life isn't fair and some people don't mind sacrificing themselves for their kin. While I don't think this is bad, I feel that we should be self sufficient to some certain level to do so..
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He is not only doing himself harm, he is also harming his sisters. He has rendered them useless by thinking he has to carry their burden till someone else would come and marry them, and continue where he stopped, who says they can't make waves by themselves. With this mentality, his sisters would get married and never be valued to their husbands.
Have you heard people ask ladies this question before, After sex, what else can you offer in your relationship?
A lot of ladies out there grew up without a parent figure, they strived through hell even with their legs closed, and still made it big in life. His sisters needs to learn how to care for themselves.
This might sound funny, but you should be grateful for this, you might not realize it but this has a part in the way you strive now, and the fact that you're doing great. "There is this saying in pigin Picken weh no get help suppose get sense, I wish my parents cared less while I was that age. It would have earlier helped me realize the way life really is, just like your friend's sisters do not realize now.
My parents though they were protecting me from the world, instead of them to prepare me, when I told them I would like to work or learn some certain things, they always say it's dangerous, all they wanted was for me to face my studies.
Now that I am suddenly exposed to the real world, it's a little bit difficult because I wasn't prepared.
He won't always be there for them, they(he and his sister's) have to understand that, the earlier the better.
Financial issues suck and it really hurts to see people force themselves to work. I definitely agree that people should be more careful about their own health and I was lucky to get financial aid to cover my education costs. Otherwise, I would have to work when I should have been focusing more on school. Financially, it was tough to even with that aid but at least I focus on what was important to my career.
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I think it also has to do with being in a decent system. You were in a decent system and thus it made it easier for you to focus on education rather than working tirelessly. it's always a dicey issue and sometimes people just lose their lives as a result of circumstances like the one I talked about.
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It seems like a rather strange dynamic, but it's true... you can't really take care of anyone else unless you truly take care of yourself first... there's a unique balance here that benefits both parties.