I Survived Then. I’m Surviving Now.

Huh, I don't even know how best to start this. But then, let's go. It just so happened that tonight is one of those nights that wouldn't allow me to really rest and take my time to sleep. During the day when I'm feeling like this, I know my way out; I either step out to talk to people and wave it off or find something to do and get myself busy. And even though it doesn't always work, it still allows my mind to not wander off too far.

But what do we do at night, at midnight? Like a year or two ago was when I began to see and notice this pattern. Huh, I noticed that the days that I hurt and seem to have a bad day, the nights that I'm in pain and most times find it hard to sleep just like tonight, are the same days I was fighting for my life some 5, 6 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm making sense, but try to understand me. The days I was lying on the hospital bed, the days I was scheduled for surgeries, the days I wasn't feeling my best, the days I'm being wheeled in to the theater rooms and all, are the days I'm noticing are now giving me a hard time.

And I can't even remember how many times I've told myself that I'm fine and that nothing is wrong with me anymore. Even though I'm still on certain pills, even still... I know it's different now. I know my body better. But days like this won't stop weighing me down. Days like this won't just come with those hurting moments; they also bring some certain level of pain along... Something to just remind me that I've undergone something.

Well, it came again tonight, and that is why you see me here. I checked the date, checked my calendar, and went back some years, and I was able to connect the dots again. This was the exact day some years ago when I had to make use of an oxygen for the first time because I had issues with breathing. I had just returned from another surgery that day, and my breathing was somehow... Like I was going... You get it. That was how an oxygen was brought... There's a story on that oxygen itself, but that is for another day.

I can very well remember how tense the room was that day; I couldn't recognize anybody by name or face. I could only recognize you by your clothes back then; if it's a cloth you're used to wearing, I will know, but if it's not, I won't even know you're the one with me. That is also a story for another day.

Tonight is that day, some years back, that I was fighting for my life. Years later, today... It feels like part of me is still there.

And tonight again, sleep seems to be far from me; I'm just lying here with a heavy heart and some level of pain. But then, I'm reminding myself that I survived those times, and here I am now, so even though the memories won't stop coming, they are no longer my present but my past.

And as sleep has refused to come again tonight, I'm reminding myself that I survived the pain then, and the past shouldn't hold me down.

Here I am, at 1:23 AM. 🌃

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Images are mine.

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