THE CRAZIEST MARRIAGE CEREMONY

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Marriage ceremonies are usually joyful occasions for not only the groom and bride but also for their respective families, friends, well-wishers, and onlookers. But just as it is for most things in life, popular rules don't always apply to everything; there is always an exception, and there are exceptions to marital ceremonies being joyful.

In some weddings, bizarre things do happen—the DJ showing up late, the public address system not working, quarrels, fisticuffs, and what have you. I have witnessed some.

I will be sharing the craziest thing I have ever witnessed in a marriage ceremony.

Some years back, I visited and spent time with an uncle, Richie, who lived with his then-young family in the city of Benin, which is in the south-southern part of Nigeria. We had a neighbour who was a commercial driver, and a very hardworking one at that. I'm making reference to a man who would convey newspapers' daily editions from Benin City to Lagos between dawn and the breaking of the day (an over 300-kilometer journey).

He would afterwards commute passengers from Lagos to Benin and back to Lagos several times before eventually retiring to his home late in the night, only to wake up the next morning and repeat the process.

He lived with his fiance, Vee, who was jobless at the time, but a graduate of a popular polytechnic in the state. Vee's parents, especially the mom, were strongly against their union.

I digress

If you're a Nigerian, you'll understand the general disparity that exists between graduates (especially the female ones) and non-graduates in terms of a possible marital union.

Parents see it as belittling for their daughters, for whom they paid school fees, to settle for an artisan instead of a seasoned professional. It isn't mostly a problem if the man is the graduate; the girl could be Jane Doe, and no one will bat an eyelid.

I'm not about to protest against that seeming injustice against men. People might argue that it is societal conditioning that causes folks to normalize men marrying ladies who are lower than them by all societal parameters but raise eyebrows when the reverse is the case, but it will be unfair to heap all the blame on conditioning, and I don't know if conditioning plays a role here.

I said that because such behaviour is well embedded in evolution and human history, dating back aeons of years. Even in many animal socializations, for mating to happen, the male has to be everything—strong, brave, and courageous; he sometimes gets into fights that might end his life or leave him seriously injured, just to woo a female who does nothing other than be a female. It is safe to say that females are mostly hypergamous by nature.

Okay, I've stopped sulking. I'll live up to what is expected of me as a man.

Back to my story

All of Vee's mom's efforts at dissuading her daughter from marrying a "commoner" fell like a house of cards. Their love had already reached a point of no return. Vee wasn't just in love with his fiancee; she'd earlier pledged her unwavering loyalty to him. Because, according to her, the man saved her life when she was hit by a stray bullet during a fraternity clash in her school days. She said it was only the man who was there for her. He footed the hospital bills and saw to her eventual recovery. From that point on, no one could talk her out of loving the man.

When it was obvious to Vee's mom that the union couldn't be stopped, she degenerated into making absurd demands of the man. The man worked harder and did almost everything she demanded.

The traditional marriage was fixed. We were invited as neighbours and family friends. The weather was favourable. The event was colourful. The turnout was bountiful. The people were beautiful. The band's performance was energetic and joyful. The day looked good.

But there was a problem. People ate and filled their stomachs; drank and got drunk; danced and got tired; spread money and empty their purses. They literally partied and made merry without the bride and groom stepping out. The chairman of the occasion even had to leave—not before telling my uncle to stand in for him.

The couples were in a closed-door meeting with the bride's family. Vee's mom was still pushing her agenda and making ridiculous demands, even on the wedding day.
After hours of closed-door meetings, the groom eventually made a remark, which Vee's mother twisted into an abominable and unforgivable slur on the bride's entire tribe. To worsen the situation, the bride and groom happen to come from different communities in Delta State that are infamous for historical feuds with one another.

Vee's mother cried to the idle and restive youths who were hanging around, asking them not to stand aloof and watch a nobody from a rival camp disdain their tribes. The ever restive youths sprang into action, and before we could tell what was going on, bottles were flying from all directions and heads burst open with blood gushing out.

The party ended. Everyone bolted frantically. I ran too, with my uncle and his wife, who was a nursing mother at the time.

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We were grateful to have made it home safely. But I saw enough gruesomeness that would remain in my head for a lifetime.

I have never seen a thing like that, and I might never see it again.
This goes for the craziest things I have ever witnessed in a marriage ceremony. How about yours? What's the craziest thing you've ever witnessed in a marriage ceremony?