How to face new faces?
I thought studying helped me to boost my confidence. I thought being surrounded by classmates that became closed when spent together encouraged me to think that it's alright to act normal. Also, going out with friends and classmates taught me how to act like them. Just like being outgoing and becoming cheerful with new people I just met. But all of the thoughts in my mind remained a thought because no matter what I'd do I started anxiously when new faces were around.
Of course, I act normal to the people I already know. I was telling jokes to make them feel it's worth it for me to hang out. I even stood out with everyone even though most of the time I was silent. I talked seldom but I laughed together with them.
I joined the gathering sometimes when there's no new faces involved. In fact, I was with them when we went to the beaches and mountains to kill time. Just like normal people, I want to be happy and I want to have fun. I thought it was just normal and by going out with friends I'd change but when meeting friends of friends, again, I was speechless. I was a boring person that my words to say were limited.
It's not that I didn't want to fit in a group. It's not that I was picky to people whom to hang out with. It's just that my mind went black that I was always mindful of the words I wanted to say. "What if I say something wrong? What if my words were not necessary? What if they hated me to be around?" Those were the questions I used to ask myself when joining a group of new people.
I was always uncomfortable with new faces. I always saw myself hidden in the shadows because I thought unlike them I was nothing special. Unlike them, they were cooler, prettier, and higher. I always looked up to people but I didn't want to be like them but maybe I was hoping to act like them. I was jealous of how confident they were, like how they were friendly and had a lot of friends.
Just like any other, I want to have a lot of friends as well but the stupid attitude prevented me to act cheesy. Sometimes, by just thinking about it I was already embarrassed by myself. Imagine, I closed my eyes or looked in another way when I'd see someone doing stupid things. Not just in real life but also in watching movies. I don't understand myself but when it's too much I decided not to witness the foolish actions because unlike me. I'm always afraid to do stupid things that might someone frown her/his face at what I just did.
I might be exaggerating things for others but that's me, that's how I'm so conscious of my appearance. I don't know what self-esteem means because I can't understand its meaning. I've been in different places, meeting new faces but my attitude is still the same. If you'll notice why I become quiet, you'll know the reason why. I'm embarrassed by myself because it stops me from being talkative. Never mind the virtual conversations because I don't see faces and that's the reason I'm saying funny things.
Thank you for reading
All content is my own unless otherwise noted
If images are being recycled, I just found it fit in my article.
ABOUT ME
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Paul is the name but prefers to be called mrnightmare that feels like living in the dream. A country boy and a dreamboy (dreamer) who likes to stay in a small village even though it means abandoning the future to become a seaman. The passion is writing but not sailing in the vast ocean. Don't wonder if the face will not be shown, this is better where the words can flow smoothly. Come, have fun with me and be part of my journey while talking about life events and random activities. It's fun to learn about life, don't hesitate, let's figure it out as we continue enjoying staying in this world.