Ducks in a Row...

No, this post is not about argumentative Anatidae, but about an upcoming trip to visit my mum in England and the exploits of a hopelessly disorganised and random soul attempting to get all his metaphorical ducks in a regimented row.

"Things ain't what they used to be"

This is certainly true when it comes to international travel these days. Gone are my days of chucking a pair of pants, two odd socks and a toothbrush into a bag and heading to the airport. Sadly, I haven't enjoyed that spontaneous and minimalistic approach to travel since I married a woman whose idea of 'travelling light' is not needing to pay excess baggage, but nevertheless, the rigmarole and downright bureaucracy of going anywhere further than the supermarket is far more painful and time-consuming than putting a disc out whilst trying to pick-up the wife's suitcase. On this trip, my back will be fine as she is staying here to work and keep an eye on the house.

Part of this, of course, is due to me not actually living in the land of my birth and needing to return back to this tropical 'concrete' jungle I call home. It's bad enough having to keep up with the visas and paperwork just to stay here but wanting to return after a trip out of the country is another excuse if any were needed, for Thai immigration to squeeze even more of your hard earned cash ill-gotten gains out of an already arid wallet. Now having to throw tests, quarantines, locator apps and certificates of proof, in duplicate languages and triplicated copies into the mix and the levels of anxiety and self-doubt rise to new levels.

So, I am currently in Thailand on a Non-immigrant 'O' visa based on my being married to a Thai citizen. After this expired I had to buy a one-year extension which will expire in May and cost 1900Baht (£42 GBP, $57USD). For some strange reason, if you want to leave and come back into the country before the visa extension expires, I have to buy a re-entry permit, which costs 1000Baht for one trip in and out or 3800Baht for unlimited trips in and out, on top of this, every 90 days of continuous stay in Thailand requires you to do a 90-day report.

The (in)famous Governemnet Complex Building B in Bangkok, the home of immigration!

This being Thailand, where even the simplest task has to be turned into an endeavour of epic proportions, both these undertakings are done at different immigration offices so this morning was spent queuing and filling in more pieces of paper to get this pair of ducks into their right position, pending my departure.

Sitting in a multi-storey car park waiting to do my 90-day report!

I bought a one-way ticket which is fully changeable and cancelable just in case I screw up some paperwork or fail a test and I'm quite excited to be flying Finnair for the first time. I had booked an overnight in Helsinki for a night out and wander around a city I've never been to before but that connecting flight to London was cancelled about two days after I booked it and instead, I now have 4 and a half hours to kill in the brand new Helsinki -VantaaTerminal 2. There could be a post in it!

This now means I arrive in London at 8.40pm and with possible delays at UK immigration, there is no way I'll be getting a train to Leeds that night so I booked a hotel near the airport which as luck would have it, is the same hotel where I will take my day 2 PCR test and where I will then self isolate for another night until I get my result when I have a train booked to get take me North. I'd hate to bring back a dose of Covid and pass it onto my mother before she's cooked my Christmas dinner!

I have also just had to book a test in Bangkok on Sunday morning, just under 48 hours before I fly, the results of which I will get on Monday as due to the new UK government rules brought into being yesterday, all UK arrivals now require a negative test before leaving.

Until this point, a departure test was needed neither by Finnair nor the UK, but upon reading the new rules on Sunday morning, had me scrambling to find a local clinic here to do the test and get my results back in time for me to fly. Another 2500Baht!

As I was vaccinated in Thailand, I have the Thai health app on my phone and a paper copy of my vaccine certificate. As well as this, I had to apply for an International vaccine certificate which is due to be delivered this week. Not really a necessity as the Thai certificate is also in English but it's better to be safe than sorry.

The final thing to do is within 48 hours of the scheduled departure time when I have to fill in the UK governments 'locator' form and on this, including the reference number I was given when I booked my 2-day test. Let's hope everyone's servers are working, there appear to be so many possibilities for failure in this system, especially from me!

So, I will need...

1. Flight ticket
2. International vaccine certificate
3. Pre-departure PCR test negative result
4. UK 2 day- PCR test booking reference
5. UK Gov. Locator form completed online.
6. Re-entry visa stamp from Thai immigration.

One step screwed up or the rules change again and I won't be going anywhere. There will be some serious cheek-nipping for the next few days.

I'm looking forward to my first trip back in over two years although I will actually miss being here for Christmas, let's just hope Greggs are well stocked up!

This is a new one to add to my collection! Amazing what you can do with a John Bull printing set, 1000Baht and an over-zealous immigration clerk!