I need help!!

Source

I'm an opportunist, this I know. I never ever pass on the opportunity whenever someone sets themselves up for a joke. My friends get angry a lot and tell me it's going to get me into serious trouble someday. I would listen to them but then again, they're my friend so it's safe to say they've made some questionable choices.

I'm sorry if I can't help making a joke out of everything, it's my nature, why try to change me? you don't see me going round trying to change people who don't like to eat meat or as we like to call them, c*nts.

"I love animals that's why I can't eat them, they have feelings too". True, true but looks at it this way, I love animals so much I like to have them in me.

The earth has so many rules now, different people with different opinions. Heard someone got sued the other day for feeding his chicken a cooked chicken from the plate at a restaurant.

First off, if I'm bold to bring my 'pet' chicken to a restaurant then I most certainly can feed it anything I want. Second, you just got to admire that dude's courage, man brought a chicken to a restaurant. That's the equivalent of carrying a child to a human trafficking site.

I picture the next chicken going a little something like this;

Chicken leader: That concludes this month's meeting, Paul will now read out our agenda.... Paul?

Bob: Paul's not here, you haven't heard?

Chicken leader: Heard what?

Bob: nobody's seen Paul since his owner fed him Kevin at a restaurant.

Chicken leader: ouch, that's a tough way to find out your brother is dead.

I'm sorry, we got a little side tracked with all these chicken talk, where was I? Oh yes, being an opportunist. Like I said, I can't help it.

I was on a group video call the other day, family call. We were celebrating my cousin who just came out and the family was trying to be supportive or at least they were, I was just there because I didn't want to look like an asshole. Hey now that I think about it, this dude just came out being gay and we used to sleep in the same room when we were little, on the same bed even.

I remember him sleeping naked because it was "more comfortable". Something's not right.

Back to the call. These people made him a cake too, that's a lot of effort to show someone you're not homophobic.

Well we were on the call when they cut the cake and then I go,

"Damn, must be very offensive to cut that cake straight"

One thing I need to learn as a comedian is to know my audience because nobody found it funny. They couldn't kick me out of the call though but I don't think I'm getting invited to the next one.

For this next one, look past my dark sense of humor and admire my creativity. Went out with a friend who does name tags for different clients, sometimes it's wooden tags, you know those ones that say THE PRINCIPAL and sometimes it's arranging different letters to spell out a name.

Mr Johnson, my friend's client called that afternoon wanting to get the name on his door to seem as friendly as possible, he's a children's therapist and my friend decided it was best for me to tag along.

I feel like the universe pretty much set this one up by itself, I didn't even have to do much. It's spelt "THERAPIST" but a little touch here and there, we have "THE RAPIST". Mr Johnson found it funny though which is very suspicious for someone who does child therapy.

I'll try to keep my mouth shut whenever I see an opportunity, I don't get invited out that much again.

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FULL DISCLAIMER: No chickens were harmed in the making of this post. After the making of the post though, I can't make any promises.