I'm Not Ignoring You, I Swear!

We all have that one friend who can never seem to get their phone off DND. And when they eventually do, it’s either they leave you hanging or God knows what. Welcome to my life.

I checked my call logs and whatsapp messages this morning and I actually felt very bad for some people. Sometimes I feel I’m a terrible person but I feel more sorry for those in my call logs and dms.

I’m a very social person and I love making friends. I just seem to have my way around people and they tend to love me instantly. I’m not a gummy person and I sometimes don’t like to have gummy people around me because I feel I’m going to hurt them eventually.

Everyone has one thing they’re terrible at no matter how hard they try. For me, it’s keeping in touch and reaching out. I don’t remember the last time I spoke to some of my friends but I always think about them every blessed day and hope they’re doing well. The problem comes in when it’s time to pick up the phone to call them or leave them a text. I just can’t get myself to do that and I keep postponing till God knows when. Even when I finally manage to leave a text, I’m most likely going to take days to reply. Honestly, I try my best but maybe I’m just not trying harder.

I sometimes wonder how I got to this point. I mean, that point where I’m so not interested in other peoples business or what they’re up to because I’m just not in for all the drama. Sometimes you reach out to people and you end up finding trouble or unwanted billing for yourself. 😂 Can’t afford that in this economy. But that’s not even the point, truthfully.

Now, tell me why someone approached me to ask to be my friend and I straight up told them no. And to make things worse, they went on to beg me for my contact which I gave them. But who’s going to answer your call when you call? Not me. I’m going to sit right there and watch the phone ring any single time you call because I just don’t have the energy for friendship.

Lately, I’ve been feeling 24 hours a day is really not enough for me. I can go days without even speaking to my mom and she’d have to call to check if I’m alive. I honestly don’t mean to be this way. Maybe life is just overwhelming or it may be that I’ve just gotten so used to this bad habit of mine that I feel it’s okay to go on with it.

You know sometimes I say things like, ‘they’re probably enjoying their life without you’ or ‘oh! If they really cared they would also call, you don’t always have to be the one reaching out’. But that doesn’t take the guilt away though. Yesterday, I finally took someone’s advice and called my close friend from way back in university. She’s terrible at texting just like myself and we’ve be texting once in a while since we left school.

Just speaking with her made my day and I could feel how happy she was to hear from me. So, I’ve made a promise to myself to make it a habit of reaching out to my friends at least twice every week to see how they’re doing cos life can be tough at times. The little I can do is to be there for them.

Actually, it’s taken me so long to get to this phase of my life where I have finally decided to at least try to do the right thing. Even though I mostly don’t know how to navigate friendships, it’s best to keep the few friends I have because life can’t be spent alone forever.

So, this is me putting my biggest problem out here. If you have any tips to help me do better in this sense, please do share. 🙂

all images belong to me.