The Regret I’ve Carried for Years - LOH #287
For the past six years, I have been carrying a heavy feeling that has prevented me from my reality. Sometimes the resentment that comes from the situation is extreme, and sometimes it's regret; maybe I would have done it this way or that way, and I wouldn't be carrying this heavy weight that weighs me down over the years, so I thought...
I know there were days when everything looked fine on the outside, but deep down inside of me, I felt the weight, the silent kind of weight that stole my joy even when I should have been happy. This weight mostly comes in the form of regret, but it is what it is.
Regret over a condition I wish I could have approached differently; the word "alright" I voiced out without thinking outside the box. I stayed silent, thinking that the whole situation was under control since I was in a good hospital, but I was wrong. I should have known better; I should have thought deeper; I should have made a smart decision, as Mum, who is also in a medical field, even though I am not a medical doctor.
There are lots of, had I known, lots of regrets. I kept going hard on myself, wishing for the hand of the clock to be reset so I could make a smart decision or opinion, but if only wishes were horses.
After the MRI brain scan my son had, the neurologist handling his case told me clearly that his issue is a developmental defect, and even surgery cannot correct it!.. He said a lot that I didn't know when tears rolled down my cheeks because upon hearing such a statement, I quickly recalled the time I gave birth to my son prematurely. And the hospital told us to buy all materials needed for the incubator, as my child will complete the gestational period over there.
We didn't hesitate at all but bought all the needed materials requested. Only for the same doctor to come back after 24 hours and say they have checked my son and seen that everything is okay, so no need for an incubator. I was overly excited and gifted all the incubator materials we bought to other moms who needed it.
Only for me to later notice the congestion at the neonatal unit and the death of a baby over there. I began to wonder, could it be that there is no space for them to admit my newborn over there that made them discharge him, or were they saying the truth that, indeed, my child is okay and doesn't need to enter the incubator?
To be sincere, I didn't deliberate on this thought for a long time but rather told myself that I can't question a doctor but believe his diagnosis; after all, I am not a doctor.
The excitement that I was going home was heavenly after a long time I stayed in the hospital over the pregnancy complications. If only I knew what was coming; I would have been patient to really verify that truly, my child is fit to go home.
Four years after the birth, my son suddenly went unconscious—no fall, no fever, no nothing—and seizures started to this date. He is already 11 years old, and since he was four, I have been suffering over his health challenge; it's been terrible dealing with a brain condition. I can't count the number of hospitals I have visited so far, and I'm still counting. The resources are going out day by day to date.
The emotional torture on my end, the pain my son has gone through, and more...it's a whole lot of regret!.
Honestly, I am finding it hard to forgive myself, and nothing that I know I am doing is helping the situation as it is now, but I wish to, just not yet, but I keep striving; it's not easy, though, watching my first son live on drugs to control the brain condition.
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Sometimes we make some reckless decision and we need to feel regret in our entire life. I think there is not way you can escape from such a thing and each time your son suffer will remind your about this decision. I wish you could go back in that time to correct it. Unfortunately, there is no way for it.
!LUV
It's well
Some lessons are too hard!
So sorry about this, only if they had just taken it seriously. We could prevent a lot by taking medical precautions really serious, that was a terrible decision by the doctor
Very tertible ...I would hv checked in another hospital to do the needful if space was their problem ,but the deed has been done
@nkemakonam89, I would wish you stop regretting and blaming yourself. It's not totally your fault. We all are meant to believe Doctors that they know what they're doing or saying.
This storyline is so pathetic, I'm even crying as I'm reading through your post.
So sorry it has happened this way.
But have you gone back to that very Doctor to report this case?
Please stop regretting, everybody's wisdom grows by age and life's issues, it's not totally your fault.
Now just do this thing as I'm talking to you by my own experience.
You are a Christian, yes, put your faith into actions by making out time to search for some scriptures about health and healing.
Write them out and start declaring those scriptures on your son, over and over again, be more spiritual this time around.
It's a battle of life and death, you must win, stop crying it cannot help you.
He is 11 years old, let him also declare these scriptures over and on himself seriously regularly.
Take out some days for prayer and fasting specifically for this issue persuade him to join you often.
It happened to me, listen..., my two daughters were heavily asmathic and we were running helter scalter from one hospital to another.
It was usually worst at nights, mostly from 12 midnight. Two of them at a go, they would seem like dying at once, I was always panicking buy both inhaler and any drug medications mentioned.
Even we tried Herbs they were mixed for them, they were drinking but to no avail, a little dust heeee, a little rain, two of them will be shivering, even the odour of fried food it will escalate to the highest point.
Until I was taught to keep declaring health and healing scriptures over them.
Even one of them was heavily bedwetting just before 5mints of sleep even at 24 yesrs old.
I didn't loose hope on the word of God, it looked as if it was not working but gradually, it started subsiding and their perfect health took effect by God's words
Today, for many years now, I can't explain how or when it left them. Both of them are perfectly free and okay now.
The second one just delivered her second child, I'm in her house babysitting her child now. Both uncontrollable urination and asmathic breath suffocating cough has all gone.
Both of them are in their late twenties no more asthma.
Medications has limitations but the word of God who made him pears like an arrow to even the bone narrows.
It will finally set him free, God knows about it all. Try it, you will testify.
Wow...
This is a whole lot for me to get encouragement and hope from
The word of God is powerful ..i.have started but will be more intentional with my son
Thanks a bunch ma for this warm feedback .
God bless you
Say hi to your daughter and her new born ,nwanyi omugwo🥰💞
Thank you, Nneoma, just go with God patiently he will answer you.
I believe 🙏
Okay, take care ❣️😘!
Amen Sis!
!LADY
Thank you so, so much sis!
Like seriously you're a strong woman cos having go through all these and you still show up so strong but trust me, you're not to be blame in any way.
It is not your fault that the doctor lied to you and it is never your fault that you were happy to take your baby home.
You're doing your best already and God will intervene to do his best too.
Everything will definitely be fine with him again
Awww...Afri baby
Thanks for your warm words
They are quite encouraging 😍
You're so much welcome 🥰💕
You say it's hard to forgive yourself, but the fact that you've spent 11 years fighting, visiting hospitals, and exhausting your resources for your son proves you're an extraordinary mother.
Awww...I like to hear that I am an extra ordinary mum,at least these kind of words has kept me going all along !
Thank you sis 🥰
This is such a heavy weight to carry, but please find room to forgive yourself. You didn't fail him,you trusted the experts so you could get your baby home. Your dedication over the past few years shows your true strength. Sending you and your son strength and better days ahead.
Such a terrible feeling, but you have been strong, keep all hope alive. You may be surprised he outgrows it. Many hospitals these days are nothing to write home about, but if you are not a medical practitioner, you have little or no choice than to trust in their decision. God will continue to strengthen you
Exactly my dear..but God sees me
I.kmow he will come through 🙌