Finding Sunshine

There was a time when I said that I was not a man of love. I started to tell myself that when a relationship that I thought would morph into something blissful and last forever eventually crumbled, and for a long time, I blamed myself for it.

I had never really considered myself in love until a time in 2019 when I really asked a lady to be mine and for me to be hers. Before that, I often found myself in an entanglement of some sort. Each one of those entanglements ended quite poorly, but I didn't care much then because I really didn't think I was in love per se.

In all my relationships with the different women I have been with and ended at some point, I always learned something and grew to do better the next time in one area or another. But then, after the last one, I just gave up and said that I'd rather become a "father" or something and not worry about love or having kids because, quite frankly, love is quite mind-boggling sometimes.

When the last relationship ended, I often veered off anything seeming like love. I was traumatized for a while because the depression that hit me after the last breakup broke me. I mean, people didn't exactly see that I was in such a situation for a long time, but I knew that I wasn't exactly happy for a freaking long time.

It was as terrible as feeling some level of hatred at some point. Somehow, thankfully, I began to let go and heal. And in that healing process, I began to understand the concept of love a little better. I mean, I did enter into one or two entanglements with other ladies, but nothing particularly deep or serious about them.

Perhaps it was the kind of content I was consuming and the things I was hearing that learned me learn more about love. And during the process of healing and growing, I started to see ways that I could be better as a person and then as a lover.

After a very long time and having grown past the past, I found someone. We met as normal people in an official setting, however. We were both there for business. When I first heard her voice, I was drawn by its endearing quality. And the next thing I knew, we were in our DMs talking.

Something quite interesting to me about our conversations was that we connected rather differently from what I was used to. In a way, we valued what we were building. We just didn't know where we were going with it.

I had always thought that there has to be some considerable amount of time spent to really determine if one wants to be in love or not with a certain person. I wonder where that came from, but I found myself very certain that this lady was someone that I was willing to fall in love with, just after a couple of months. Or was it weeks?

Ever since, it's been quite a ride. There has been a lot of learning, re-learning, and unlearning. And, of course, we have had very tough moments. Unlike the previous relationships, however, I wasn't going to chicken out at any point in time. It is a do-or-die situation. Something that we consider a mantra is, "We'll always talk, no matter how hard or ugly it may look sometimes."

Why am I talking about my love life today? Well, because I absolutely can, but also because I find it therapeutic to journal my life. And this is yet another entry—a snippet. What's your take on how long one should spend knowing their partner before they go into a relationship with them?