WE83 Entry: First Love, Last Love

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What does one do when they find themselves in the presence of a goddess? What do you first say to one who shines so brilliantly that you are blinded and your soul weeps? When your breath is taken so thoroughly from her beauty and you question if it will ever fully return, what do you do with this knowledge? Well if you are a 13 year old boy in the summer of 1987 who wasn't raised right and made up for a plethora of inadequacies and multitude of insecurities with off-the-wall antics and attention-seeking behaviors, you proceed to thoroughly and diligently embarrass yourself!

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Is This Fate or Fiction?

In the summer of 1987, I was between 7th and 8th grade and living in a fairly small community in SE Georgia. The church my family attended was lead by the same pastor for many years and he was recently moved to another church near Atlanta and we were getting a new pastor and his family. As I have mentioned in the past, I moved frequently growing up, but we would always return to this community as it was where my mother was from.

We were so excited about the prospect of a new pastor and so most of us attended the Wednesday night service for their first time at the church. I have always had what could be described as a very unique fashion sense and that night would be no different. Somewhere I had found a blaze orange oversized button up short sleeve shirt that had matching pants that were patterned in wide vertical orange and white stipes (think opposite of old school inmate pants lolol) Thank goodness my mother had talked me out of wearing the pants that night, so I donned a pair of jeans and finished the ensemble with high-top skull and crossbones vans. I mean looking back on this, who wouldn't be impressed with my cutting edge style, right!?!?!

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I have whole blocks of time that is completely blank in my memory. I don't know if it is protection from past trauma or something just not right in my melon, but I remember that night with impeccable clarity. But I imagine anyone would who witnessed an angel before them. When she walked into the back of the church, it was as if she ushered in an ethereal light with her. I know...I know...everyone talks about the person they love as radiant, but I'm telling you she shone as nothing I had ever witnessed before and her beauty was so absolutely striking, I felt as if lighting had hit me and taken my breath, my senses, and my ability to survive without her. She was wearing a blue dress with a white bid and I had never seen anyone stand and sit as tall and straight as she did. Apparently, the lighting also hit the spaz part of my brain that immediately began to make me fall all over myself, stammer, and generally act the fool. For me, it was unequivocally love at first sight, for her......well let's just say I'm an acquired taste...lololol

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The Beginning to the Bad

Not to very long after that fateful night, I was able to muster the courage to call her and ask her out on a "date". Being just 13, my aunt agreed to pick us up and chaperone us for dinner. I'm sure looking back, she would say it was against her better judgement, but she agreed to go. Being from the high roller family I was, we went to Western Sizzler. My aunt sat a few tables away from us and I would say this was the most awkward meal of my entire life....lolol. There was something wrong with the a/c vent above us a steady drip onto the table was the only engagement to break the total and complete silence. I didn't care about conversation, I was still so overwhelmingly surprised she had chose to be there and was sitting across from me. One thing that began to creep into my thoughts that night was her ability to truly see me and what that meant. Her big blue piercing eyes had the gift/curse of peering into my soul. I knew she would thoroughly know me and I didn't see how that would not be tragic.

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We began dating exclusively and did so on and off throughout high school. I would move away at least two times during this period and that nagging insidious voice would grow and grow in strength about he being able to know who I really was. It took me many years of pain and suffering to come to the realization of some many of my faults in my youth and what the root of it was. I would break up with her countless times and try to move on. I treated her horribly at times with extreme callous that was the nature of my soul.

It wasn't until many years later that I come to understand that my background, my traumas, my perceived inadequacies, and my insecurities were gasoline to the fire of my toxic behavior and personality. It was an impossibility for me to like, much less, love who I really was and therefore, in my mind, impossible for her to be able to love me. I was convinced that I would not be able to live up to what I believed such an amazing person deserved. So instead of try, I ran....I shut people out....I concentrated on people who only saw the superficiality I presented to them. I only wanted an audience to the actor I had developed to cope with life. High school came to an end....her family was transferred to a church near Atlanta and she moved with them to go to college. I despaired in what my future might be....I buried myself in getting on with life and with debauchery. I tried to become what my voice told me I was. I succeed in much of that.

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Finding Redemption

I've lost track of the number of failed relationships, romantic and platonic, due to my issues. Gratefully, with age comes some wisdom and growth. I found my true nature was not what my humble beginnings dictated but what I and God allowed to manifested in my life. I had choices. I chose to like who I could be. I began to value above all things, responsibility, honesty, and integrity. I found the warm embrace of grace and the ability to forgive myself. No sooner had I embraced a deep love for myself than we were brought back into each other's lives.

The details of that journey would fill several posts, but the short version is I pursued her passionately and relentlessly. Through this process I found redemption and a place next to her side once again. I was able to find a job and move close to where she lived and we were married shortly thereafter. That has been fifteen years ago this year and the best part of my life. I have never felt as fulfilled and content as I do as her husband. She responsible for all that is good in me and makes me such a better person by her council, wisdom, and companionship. She is still so stunning as to make my breath catch and no one understands how fortunate I am as much as I do. We both say how much we love our life and it is truly, truly beautiful!

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My heartfelt thanks to @galenkp for this #weekend-engagement prompt as it led me down a beautiful path that I hadn't had the joy of contemplating far too long. I hope you enjoyed this little history of my wife and I and I pray everyone finds someone who loves, respects, and supports you as much as she does me!

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All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter,
Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost
-Tolkien

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