Why are fathers hard on their sons?
Credit: Photo by Dominika Roseclay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-in-raising-baby-under-blue-sky-1166990/
When I was younger you would find me asking why are fathers hard on their sons? If you’ve read me before then you will know there was quite a lot of emotional baggage to unload when it came to the relationship between my father and I. Most importantly though, him and I made peace with each other in the end and I think that was paramount to me growing as the man that I am today.
If you had asked me as a young 20 year old I would have said fathers should be nice and supportive with their sons, hold them when they cry, and make sure their emotional needs are taken care of. Now that I am 43 and have a son of my own I think quite a bit differently to what I did as an emotionally stunted young man. Mostly because I’ve observed things from a different perspective with my own son.
Mostly, there’s a lot of bad advice out there for men, and it’s why you will see them turning to people like Andrew Tate for advice. Sometimes crying and feeling doesn’t sit well with some men as it would with others, despite what some may think. Masculinity is most definitely a spectrum, and what works well with me wouldn’t always work great with some of my friends.
I saw it in my Son before he started school. One thing I was adamant about my kid is that I was never going to play fight with him because I did a lot of this with my friends and I always wondered if this was something I learned culturally, rather than being in me.
Yet, in his younger years my son would always come to me for some wrestling or rough and tumble. It sort of shocked me at first, and how easily it came to me to give him what he wanted but this was the start in a very long line of changing my perception around boys and men. It definitely has changed my opinion on why are fathers hard on their sons.
I’ve observed in my son many things that have countered my internal narrative and it also links in with what I experienced as a child. It’s interesting as to how the memory bank work that’s for sure. It’s been quite a journey for sure, and here’s what I’ve found out:
It’s actually hard for men to cry
There’s a popular notion right now that men should be raised with the ability to break down and sob like no-one is around to get all that emotion out. We’ve actually never told our son not to cry in front of us, and we’ve encouraged it when he needs to.
However, year through year he cries less until now where he barely cries at all — unless we’ve had a blazing argument. Granted some of this influence may have been from school but he gets an abundance of hugs and love from us when he’s sad and upset, so there’s nothing really to stop him from breaking down when he needs to.
Deep diving into this and reflecting on my own life it serves no purpose for men to cry anytime they feel upset. If I look at our household and between the three of us I’m usually the one that digs deep to the bottom of my stomach and carries on doing what I do even when the going gets super tough. I wouldn’t get us through it if I was acting emotional 24/7. Biologically and sociologically it makes no sense.
If you’re asking why are fathers hard on their sons, you need to know that there does need to be a balance though. I think that by having proper outlets to vent through friends and family is important. That’s why men have the partners they have picked, their friends that have been through the ups and downs with them, and family that know them inside out. Healthy men tend to have a good emotional support system and don’t need to break down and cry constantly. It’s not in our nature.
Men are scared of emotional boys
Having your son break down into tears every 5 minutes when the going gets tough is I would say about every father’s worst nightmare. Why are fathers hard on their sons? Because of this.
It’s perhaps why my dad was so tough on me when I was younger. Believe it or not men actually have a good idea how tough it is for young boys out there in the big wide world and we don’t want our son’s thinking it’s going to be easy. Living life on easy mode isn’t a thing for men. If you think you are going to, you’re going to have a hard time.
You see, when we cross that bridge from being in school to being an active working member of the population a boy will suddenly move from being provided for to becoming a provider, and it will be like a kick in the front teeth when you are smiling.
Suddenly you will have to work for everything you have, everything you want, and everything you need. There is no other option. Even parents will want you to get a job.
Why are fathers hard on their sons? Because no one will give a flying shit anymore.
And there will be no help out there for you. They’ll say all you need to do is cry more and you’ll be fine, but sadly that will solve nothing.
The world is tough, and just about every man knows this. We see our boys playing softly and on one hand we like it, but on the other hand we want to prepare them for how tough life will be once they get into the job market, get their own place, and start living on their own because there will be no-one coming to save them. They’ll be on their lonesome.
And no-one will care.
I spent a good five years of my life alone, in my flat, perhaps my friends would come and visit me once or twice per week to see how I was doing but other than my work I really didn’t have anyone around that was looking after me, making sure that I was eating well, or checking up on me.
Those hermit years of my life taught me that I was really going to be the only one that is looking after me. Sure I had family that cared, but they have their own lives and troubles to get on with too.
Why are fathers hard on their sons? This is why
In our house my wife is tougher than me. There is no disputing that. If her and I were to argue big then I am sure she would eventually win. Physically I have the upper hand, but when it comes to asserting yourself then my wife wins hands down.
If you ask my Son he will still say I am the scariest; I have become the punisher and I am the one that reprimands bad behaviour — my son and I we are always getting into disputes over something or other. The wife on the other hand is gentle and careful with him. If I could describe the way she is with him it would be like a bee landing gently on a flower.
I often watch her handling him with kid gloves and sometimes I wonder if this is best preparing him for the wide world out there. This is me remember, the big ball of softy man.
But that’s good, that’s the way Mums should be with their sons, Men need a good balance of feminine energy as well as masculine energy. She teaches him empathy, care, tact, and all the graceful things that mothers can teach their sons, and on the other hand I rough and tumble with him, teach him how to compete, be strong, and withstand the harsh world out there.
To women it may seem harsh and uncouth, however to men it’s just teaching their sons how to survive socially and physically, that’s it.
So when you ask why are fathers hard on their sons? Because it’s tough out there!
Credit: My blog: here https://learnisart.com/why-are-fathers-hard-on-their-sons/
You spelled "Mums" instead of "Moms" so I take it you're not American and now see from your profile that you're British (Brits also use "whilst" while we Yanks rarely do, considering it more of an archaic word). :) I'm sure culture plays a part in how men raise boys and wonder how it's affected you as well.
When I was in Germany at class, my three best friends were English. I and the other Americans found them extremely dour for a trio of 20-year-olds, and I used to always gently tease them (in a friendly way) that I would wear that "British reserve" of theirs down and release the inner wild-and-crazy American hiding inside them.
I was actually surprised by their behavior, but then to them, we Americans came off as almost too outgoing. Their lack of patriotism for their country was also shocking as was their hatred of the British royal family who are beloved and revered over here. So many differences in culture from two countries which share a (mostly) similar language.
This line surprised me:
After reading your post, I'd have thought you found that uneasy balance with the different approach between you and your wife. See, I grew up without a dad, raised by a mom who was a militant feminist with a not-quite hatred of men. She has never married, and ignored the advice from the men in the neighborhood that I needed a male influence in my life.
Thus I grew up knowing almost nothing about sports, hand tools, cars and a host of other things that boys need to know to become well-rounded men. It had the "benefits" of making me more of an empath than I would have been had I had the influence of my irresponsible and sexually wanton dad who fathered NUMEROUS children (some of whom I've never met), while dumping the woman and moving on to the next sexual conquest.
My mother decided that to make up for the absence of a man, she would be sadistically cruel to me, which generated nothing but hatred in us for her. I can't stress enough the damage that excesses of the feminist movement did to our family by warping my mothers view of men.
She always said she didn't need a man, but her son did. That's why I'm glad that you're there to be involved in your son's life and wish the both of you the very best! :)
(Thanks for writing such an informative and illuminating post. sorry this comment was so long. Your post really struck a chord with me. Boys need a father figure as much as girls need a nurturing mother figure. Kids need both influences in their lives to grow up happy, healthy and wise).
Good that it worked. My writing is designed to strike a chord in the reader. Interestingly your childhood somewhat mirrors mine.
My dad was a rampant sex machine. Sometimes he would take me over to women's houses to "fix their computer" whilst he would "go and talk to them about the bill." I will never be like him, thankfully.
My son and I are always getting into arguments. I let him argue with me because it's good for his ability to stand up for himself.
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