When pants became the most hated outer garments for me because of my scrawny body

I don't know why people has a lot to say always as if they have a contribution on your life. Like they exist to pester you by this and that or whatever they can notice about you or your body. Like wether you do this or the opposite, they still have a lot to say!

Why not just mind their own business no? It's not as if they really care. It's not like we don't notice our own imperfections, they just don't know, that this imperfections is actually the cause of our anxiety and low self esteem that we don't have before, tch.

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I can't help but to remember my high school days. Actually, I have a normal weight during that time, on our Physical Education, I learned that I have a normal BMI. And that continue not until my third year in High School. I gained weight that time.

Well, it's actually my fault because I really love to eat, you will see me on every period munching something on my mouth. I love eating junk foods even after having my lunch so imagine the amount of foods I eat during that time. It's too much I regretted it.

I spent most of my money on food during that time. Some girls will spend their money on "kikay" things like make ups, clothes or other girly and boys stuffs while me on the other hand, gave more important to what I should eat next, talk about a glutton, lol.

Then I started to notice that I am really getting bigger, it started with my face and then my body. Everyone noticed it, I really have a chubby cheeks whenever I gained weight and it sucks because I also got a double to triple chin which I find ugly to me.

But then, I started to loss some weight again and then I graduated on High School with just a normal body weight. I don't really know the reason why but I suspected that it is because the growing nasal polyp on my nose which grow even more as year passed.

On the picture above, it is just a normal body weight but look at that part with arrow, that is one of my biggest insecurities. I loss weight that a pants to me looks ugly. I can't understand why there's a huge space in there. What is it called?

Why to some, it looks normal why mine is not? That is already fit to me but then look, I sm already wearing a short underneath that, but then why it looks like that. I hated it. Why the foods I take wouldn't go directly to that spot? It will look normal for sure if ever.

As day passed, my weight continue to go down, I even suspected that those foods I ate was moved into that growing flesh on my nose. I graduated in college with a thin body to the point that everyone who can see me will asked "Do you even eat?"

Like seriously, it's not like I want to look like a walking stick, look at my arms. But honestly speaking, the way they noticed my body is really not that of a big deal to me. What I can't take is that, I realised that I don't really gain weight that I started to hate my body.

My arms, my legs and my face, all of it is disgusting to me. I really hate my body back then. Some may like it for sure, but to me, I hate it. I am always conscious to my butt while wearing pants or skirts that I just reside to wearing short underneath it.

Wearing pants or any fitted clothes is like a curse to me. I had a hard time carrying myself, it is okay if my my body has a shape on the right places, or I really look good on me but no, I look like I have a contagious disease that must be avoided.

And then, after the removal of the nasal polyp in my nose, I started to gain weight again. Thanks heaven that I have now more meat on my legs and arms. Although the fats on my belly and face are more noticeable, lol. But this is better than before.

Before, I feel like I will be wash away with wind because of how underweight I am, but now I back again to my normal weight, I am not sure now because the last time I checked but was more than years ago, but I think my weight is now ranging between 48 to 50 kls.

Although I am still insecure with lots of things, but I am starting now to give more importance to my goals and dream. I will live, insecurities won't stop me now. I still eat what I want right now and nothing beats delicious foods.

But of course, controlling ourselves is a must if we want a healthy body. I can't say that I am really healthy because to be honest, working out is really not my cup of tea. I am too lazy to do that, that is why, I just control what I eat while living beautifully.

Let's go get this women! Fighting!