'Fear' - Authentic Digital Illustration

Hello everyone! How are you guys doing? I hope you guys are doing well.

My today’s illustration is something I did while I was at a party. I know it’s a ridiculous feeling I was going through but I can’t help it.

A few days ago, my mom and I attended my cousin-brother’s wedding from my mother’s side. Honestly, I am not a very social person while my mother is another story. She just cannot survive without talking to people whereas I would love to live in an apartment, all alone peace and quiet. It would be so relaxing. I could live forever.

Also, my biggest nightmare is socializing. Socializing is a very complex thing for me. What to say, what to not, how to say, don’t want to hurt or offend other people, etc. To me, communicating with one person is already stressful enough and when it comes to handling a group of people, I go through a lot of different stages of stress levels. Sometimes, my mind goes blank or fuzzy, or sometimes my hand and legs would shake vigorously, or I would become numb and a lot of things would follow through.

So when I ended up at this party with my mom, who has been lecturing me all way here to act properly and not to make my mom look like a fool, in introducing me to all my relatives. My mind went fuzzy. The only thing I made myself used to do is smiling and greet. Smile and greet. Smile and greet. After the greetings, I looked for a corner where I could stay away from people and went there. Unfortunately, that wasn’t doing anything for me to relax. Do you guys know the feeling you go through after running at full speed, then your hands and legs would shake after the run? That’s how my hands and legs were shaking. Therefore, to relax I decided to distract myself and that’s when I did this illustration.

I drew what I was feeling through the introduction and greetings. The girl that’s holding a small black doll, which is crying, is her little demon that she is holding back while she is facing the tall darker demons. She can’t do anything and can’t say anything just smile at them bravely while cowering in fear deep down. That’s what I wanted to demonstrate what my mind and heart are going through. It’s hard to explain how my mind or heart works even though they know it’s okay and these people won’t bite, yet nothing is ever okay.

If only I could calm and ease my mind and heart. Maybe slowly I will figure my way out, or I might never. So, that’s my fear. What’s your fear? Does this image trigger any of your fear? If not, it’s okay. I hope you guys enjoyed my post today. For now, bye-bye and see you in the next post.